#marrwrites

don't get me wrong, he does it. this is unrelated to him. he loves hard. he really does. and I appreciate and love him back as much as I receive it. though, sometimes I feel that he wins on that part. I'm still learning to be vulnerable, and holding back to. Because I know I shouldn't go more, as we should have our boundaries. and I try my best to uphold that. Grounding us in our beliefs.

but this feeling, is one that has been here before. always here, but hidden most of the time. those I've loved from way back, yet it feels like I'm often begging for their love. funny how I know this feeling is a moment. I'm fine most of the time. I get it. I get that the love I have for them, isn't something that could be replicated. that goes to all of us floaters. and it's understandable. but when this feelings hits, it hurts nonetheless.

I'll be fine again, in a bit. or tomorrow. whenever this feeling decides to go back into it's hiding. it's a feeling I could never diminish. So I'll sit in it, and just take in the waves crashing onto my shore.

a wip.

reading casual yet beautiful writing is healing and inspiring. it makes me want to drop everything and just write. write my life out. my aspirations. my out-of-reach dream. my sorrows and woes. my fears. cuz at the end of the day, I'll be gone; but my writings will live on. it will live on to be discovered.

But if anything gives me the slightest sting to my heart and mind, I'm out.

My family, friends and colleague look at me weirdly, and are concerned for me because of these things; but they really just need to hear me out. Most times they do, and then they get it. For the rest who don't, I couldn't be bothered tbh. I'm fine with being misunderstood, misread.

As long as my heart and mind is at peace.

I still wanna unexist. But, I'll wait for my time, and continue living mundanely.

How the ones she called friends, would end up blocking her instead.

and the ones with whom she did not interact much back in school would be the ones who see her for who she is. Surprisingly giving her support when needed, and caring for her.

I would tell her how she is blessed with her online friends. That her decision to start a stan Twitter in 2019 healed a small part of her. That there would be that certain group chat that will always welcome her, even though she is always missing and barely there. But every time she does remember to drop by, love is all she receives.

The many heartbreaks that she was going through, were meant to be. They do hurt, she must know; but on the bright side, she can choose to move on and not let it bring her down.

Her search for meaning in friendship will still continue, no matter how hard she tries to stop. To give up. At the end of the day, there will be people who still care. That is all that matters.

She will learn to be grateful, and come to terms with the fact that we are all alone in the end. She will be okay.