#mark tu

Mark’s Point of View:

When Jinyoung had told me that he was fine with me staying for another couple of days the look on his face signaled that he actually was far far away from being okay with it. Under different circumstances the situation would have been different, meaning if it wasn’t for me being a whiny mess over the last 3 weeks. Many times he tried talking me into figuring things out with (Y/N), but I needed the time. Time to search for the right words that could explain my situation to her. Time to decide when a good timing would be for this scenario only to come to the conclusion that every time was a shitty time to tell your best friend you loved her when she clearly didn't.

However, that was a condition I had finally adapted to... talking to other people who weren't involved in it all had helped a lot as well as the fact that I could watch from afar how the relationship of JB and (Y/N) slowly blossomed. Sometimes I wondered if my subconscious had known all along that they would get along so well, being the sole reason why I could even cope with their possible romance. Because I knew he would be good to her. 

Whatever it was, my feelings were somewhat sorted out now. I wanted to see her again, I needed to see her again. This was a first for both of us to be separated for a whole three weeks straight, without exchanging a word and I badly missed everything about her. Like the nights when she fell asleep in my arms and I would carry her to bed, seeing her all cozy and relaxed in the world of dreams. Or coming home to the smell of fresh food she prepared for me after a long day of work. I even missed those rants about her colleagues and whatever gossip she had to endure whole day long. The simple sound of her voice or having her soft and gentle touch on me…

My heart was beating fast when I finally stood in front of our wooden door again with the keys ready to unlock it, but one last wave of insecurity hit me. What would she say? Is she even willing to see me again or still too pissed off that I had rejected her like that? Maybe she wasn't even home?  I knew that I would be standing in the exact same spot for another hour if I kept those thoughts roaming inside my head, so I quickly turned the keys around and stepped inside before any doubt left in my mind would have made me do otherwise. What a feeling it was to finally be home... that familiar smell that made me comfortable within seconds and the soft gloomy light my eyes were already used to. I threw the keys into the small bowl we had right next to the door, where I could already see hers with the keychain I gave to her some while back. It was a small silver bird since I knew she considered herself an ahgase. Taking off my shoes without hands was quite the challenge, but I needed to hold my backpack before it slipped off my shoulders and there was no place where I could quickly deposit the box of donuts I had brought along. She would most likely low-key hate me for bringing these along, but it had been an ongoing joke between us that would hopefully help us today. bird, since I knew she considered herself an ahgase. Taking off my shoes without hands was quite the challenge, but I needed to hold my backpack before it slipped off my shoulders and there was no place where I could quickly deposit the box of donuts I had brought along. She would most likely low-key hate me for bringing these along, but it had been an ongoing joke between us that would hopefully help us today. It took me forever to slip out of my shoes, at least that was what it felt like and I sure as hell almost tripped more than once in the process. Luckily nobody saw that, or so I thought. I was about to shout her name to check if she was at home, but when I looked up she was already there right in front of me. With a faint smile on her face, she rested her arm on the top of the backrest, leaning her head against the palm of her hand while staring at me without saying a word. Her eyes were soft and glistening with happiness at the same time, my concern that she might still be mad washed away as soon as our gaze met. It was almost like nothing happened like this was a regular day where I came home with her already waiting for me. Despite the fact that she looked exhausted and absolutely sleep deprived all I could see was the same stunningly beautiful girl I remembered even with uncombed hair, remains of makeup smeared over her face and a loose shirt of mine wrapped around her body. Even when in the back of my mind I felt myself getting worked up again after putting one and one together, I could no longer hold back my smile. It took a lot of strength not to jump right into her arms after what felt like forever. I had placed my backpack on the floor I finally walked towards hair with a shy “Good morning, donut.” As soon as I sat down opposite of her and was about to show what I had brought along she looped her arms around my neck and tightly pressed herself against me, my natural reaction being to pull her even closer with my own arms flung around her waist. Having her in my arms again was the one thing I wished for over the past few weeks and the better it felt now, finally becoming reality again… the warmth of her body transferring onto mine, her head buried into the crook of my neck so that her breath tickled and feeling how her muscles relaxed under the touch of my hand gently rubbing over her back. “I missed you so much…” she whispered against my skin, still not letting go in the slightest afraid that I would be gone again as soon as she would do. “Can you promise me something?” “What exactly?” I asked in return and wanted to lean back to see her face, but she still had no intentions of letting me go just yet. Like a small child, she clung to me which was something I would never ever complain about, in fact, I was so glad that moment because I knew for sure that she didn’t hate me that I just couldn’t stop smiling. “Don’t leave me like this ever again.” Her words made me chuckle, still overflowing with happiness from the moment our eyes had met again. This time around I used a little more force to get out of her tight grip because the urge to look into her eyes was too strong. Before using words to answer I just shook my head and took a hand of hers into my own. “I won’t, promise…” Right after I said that her eyes landed on the box placed on my lap and when she read the name Dunkin’ Donuts her eyes rolled in the back of her head, making me laugh again because it was just the reaction I expected her to have. Still, out of curiosity she reached out for the lid and lifted it up to see what exactly was hidden underneath. "I know it might be a little cheesy but I have brought along donuts for my donut." I said and poked her tummy to which she only shook her head with a sigh.  

“I would totally hate you right now if I wasn’t so damn hungry.”  She murmured and grabbed the donut that she usually went for first because it was her favorite one and took a huge bite with a satisfied groan at the taste of it filling her mouth. “So, tell me. How have you been? I didn’t hear much from Jinyoung.”

It was a simple question, yet finding an answer was quite challenging because I didn’t know if I should just go right at it, get this awkward conversation over with once and for all. I firstly shrugged my shoulder and then replied “I’ve been thinking a lot about… this all.” She nodded but apparently only waited for me to continue my part of the story instead of saying something herself. Although, it was right that only I had a lot of explaining to do. So where should I start… “I really want to explain this all to you because you deserve an explanation, but before I do… it will be not an easy thing to take in. And I want you to know that from my side it changes absolutely nothing.” I started, her eyebrows furrowed because an introduction like this had probably made it sound worse than it actually was. “(Y/N) it all started that one night you told me you liked JB because… because that very night was meant to go in a very different direction.” Again I paused to look at her face trying to read her mind, but she managed to put on quite the poker face up until now, listening closely to what I had to say while thinking deeply about my words because she was trying to figure out where I was going here. “That night I- I wanted to confess to you.”

For a second I was afraid she would start choking on the donut because she initially started coughing and stared at me in shock. She had definitely understood what I was talking about, yet she blinked at me a few times and insecurely asked: “Confess what?” She didn’t mean to make the whole thing even more awkward for me, but that was exactly what happened. My ears had been burning red right from the beginning but now I could clearly feel that exact same redness spread on to my cheeks, my whole face was basically glowing like Rudolph’s red nose. I started coughing myself out of nervousness and could feel how I stumbled over my words, trying to say something but nothing but a mush of mumbled words coming out. Only after taking a few seconds with deep breathing and collecting all the thoughts I have had over the past weeks I managed to continue with what I was saying. “I like you a lot more than just as my best friend, (Y/N). I have for quite a while, but you know me. I just didn’t have the guts to tell you and when I finally wanted to do so… well, let’s say the timing was fairly terrible.” Again, the room stayed silent after my words. She still seemed to be too shocked to find her own words, focused on processing the piece of information I just dropped, the last puzzle piece she needed to make sense of what happened between us recently. “I really don’t… know… what to say.” She stumbled, apparently out of her trance but now too shy to keep up our eye contact. Hers were glued to the floor and the hand I took earlier was now back in her own lap again, twisting the fabric of my shirt in-between her fingertips.   “You don’t have to say anything. I kind of already know that you aren’t feeling the same way…” I said and wanted to joke around for the sake of easing her mind, but obviously, that didn’t work. All there was left for me to do was wait until she felt like talking again because I knew that what she needed now was time. Just like I had needed the time off before. Minutes passed, I watched her as she seemed to have a heated discussion within herself but not letting out what it was about at all. When I tried to reach out for her she shifted away, not really because she didn’t want me to touch her but because she wasn’t ready to be pulled out of her own little world and back into real life. Even though it was really nerve wrecking to do nothing but sit here and wait, I did just that. And after what felt like a little eternity she finally looked back up again, meeting my eyes with a lack of confidence and somehow she looked embarrassed. She then asked me to explain what exactly had happened between me and JB and why I stormed off the other night without talking to her properly… and again I tried to give her as much information as I could, without trying to destroy her building relationship with him. For that exact reason, I let out a small detail such as that it was me who wanted Jaebum to go out with her the very first time or even that I had told him about her feelings beforehand. And of course, I tried explaining my actions in front of the restaurant even when all that had led to it was nothing but uncontrollable emotions. Last but not least I talked about my time with Jinyoung and how I had tried to find a solution to this on my own until I realized that I could not solve a situation on my own as long as multiple people were involved. It took a long time to clear my own head from everything that had bottled-up and at the same time answer all of her questions to make her understand. So here I was, all my feelings and thoughts spilled out to her the way I meant to do it almost a month ago. All those ‘what if’ questions plaguing me, like the very obvious ‘What if I had just told her?’ were finally vanishing now. And right when I felt this heavy load being lifted off of my shoulder she asked another question. “Why?” Out of all the things I expected her to say a simple ‘why’ had not been one of the top candidates and it took me aback for a second. What was she even referring to? As much as I would have loved to answer her very simple question I didn’t quite know where to start and ended up not saying anything until she saw my confusion and quickly continued her sentence. “Why did you put up with this? With me basically dating JB in front of your eyes? Why did you even bother to be my wingman?” Her voice was filled with sorrow for reasons I didn’t yet understand, but it hurt me to see that she was hurting. However, now I could at least answer her questions. “Because what mattered and still matters to me the most is to see you happy, (Y/N). This should’ve never been about me and I’m sorry for lashing out at you for no reason at all.” I thought that this would make her feel more comfortable but apparently, quite the opposite was the case because she looked at me even more confused if not completely frustrated. “I don’t care that you lashed out at me, you had every reason to do so Mark and-“ I stopped her before she could talk any more, slowly understanding what was going on in her mind. She wanted to put as much fault on herself as she could to make me feel better. Like making it her fault would take away some of the pain I felt when she was with Jaebum, but obviously, that equation of hers did not add up. It was a sweet gesture, no doubt and it was nothing but a confirmation why I fell in love with her in the first place. I knew that she thought me to be selfless for setting up her date with one of my best friends but really it was her being the selfless one, trying to take care of me when she absolutely did not have to. “You didn’t know that I’m in love with you. There was no way you could’ve known. You never intended to hurt me.” While I said that however, she spaced out once again, her face changing quickly into an angry frown. Whatever realization had just hit her, it was nothing good. The way her jaw clenched as her eyes were no longer on me but started right past me into the nothingness almost scared me a little because I didn’t look like she cared about anything else that moment. “He knew, didn’t he?” she suddenly hissed and I wondered how all this hate had built up so quickly inside her. However, the real question was how I should answer now because she definitely did not need an answer from me. Of course, he knew. When my answer didn’t come she suddenly sprung up from the couch, about to run off into her room as I quietly heard her whisper “That son of a bitch.”

"Wait (Y/N), everybody knew…can you please listen to me first?" I asked with a grip on her wrist to hold her back for now, but she shook her head while wiggling her arm free, already rushing down the hallway to her room before I could even react a second time. I had a feeling that all this outburst was not even about the general fact that JB had gone out with her all those times while knowing I liked her. It was more about what specifically had happened this night.

"I promise I will listen to you after this phone call." she said, trying to sound casual about it when I had already seen through it all, but whether she was oblivious to the fact that I knew or if she really thought I couldn't tell was something I would never know.

The truth was when I had seen her for the first time, coming through the door, I instantly knew. Dressed with nothing but a lose shirt I identified to be one of mine, he hair messy and untamed, eyes sleepy with huge dark circles beneath them from a lack of sleep, a certain smell on her when she hugged me and last but not least that very obvious hickey peeking out at the side of her neck...Jaebum had stayed overnight.