#mark frazer

In terms of movies that are so bad they're good, Samurai Cop has it all. The razor-thin plot is little more than an excuse to string together car chases, overly violent fights, ridiculous characters, equally bewildering dialogue, gratuitous sex scenes, laughable performances, unconvincing wigs, badly dubbed extras, befuddling editing choices and the kind of mistakes only a director drunken on their own power could make. It constantly surprises you despite a story devoid of any imagination.

To combat the Japanese gang that’s taken over Los Angeles' cocaine trade, “samurai” policeman Joe Marshall (Mathew Karedas) joins the force. With his partner Frank Washington (Mark Frazer), the two make a break in the case when Joe catches the eye of Jennifer (Janis Farley), a woman whom crime lord Fuj Fujiyama (Cranston Komuro) is attempting to romance.

You might’ve seen one of the film’s best scenes on YouTube at some point: the one where Joe talks to a flirty hospital nurse whose pickup lines you’d expect to hear coming from a drunken frat boy. Trust me, that’s just the beginning. This movie feels like it was conceived by a horny, bloodthirsty 13-year-old and written by aliens. While on a bust, Joe will say something to fellow officer Peggy (Melissa Moore) and you’ll think “That’s a weird line; you could probably take that one the wrong way without trying much…” only to realize the innuendo wasn’t accidental at all! You shouldn’t be surprised when it happens over and over, but you will be.

Eventually, you’ll realize this movie was shot most of the way, only for the production to run out of money and shooting to resume months later (it explains why Matthew Maredas has to wear a wig in his first scene). It's obvious, but you're taken aback. You’re not used to seeing movies this earnest made this badly. Samurai Cop has recurring jokes, the kind of recurring jokes that anyone with any kind of good sense would’ve thrown away and then burned out of shame. When writer/director Amir Shervan shoots a man emerging from a burning vehicle, he doesn’t think to ask the stunt guy to scream or act like he's in pain. All he sees is a man COVERED IN FLAMES, exactly as he’d envisioned it, which means it's a flawless take.

The plot of Samurai Cop is so basic it would’ve been as dull as a butter knife if it weren’t for the constant blunders. In one scene, the actors are clearly done delivering their lines and are waiting for the director to yell “CUT!” After he did, the editor (either Ruben Zadurian or Amir Shervan once more) didn’t go ahead and eliminate those extra few seconds of nothing; they kept them in. You’re as dumb-struck as the performers, wondering if there’s something you’re supposed to do to make this ordeal end… and then it does, so you breathe a sigh of relief. If Samurai Cop pulled that stunt on you, there's no telling what's next. Will it be two goons dubbed over by what has to be the director, using the same voice, in a row? How about someone going from 0 to 100 in one second, or some pointless nudity? You don’t know but every time, your response will be “Oh, well of course!”

The glory that is Samurai Cop cannot be contained in a few hundred words, and it can’t be summarized in a “best of video” either. If you have friends who don't understand why you like watching bad movies, show them this one. They'll be howling in no time. (September 1, 2021)

"I will bring you his head and I will place it on your piano."