#march posting

woah. spring

Friend of mine told me today that im someone to be proud of. And the thing is, i know neither of my parents would be proud of me. I know both of me them would despise me right now. And i dont have the energy to explain why i dont care for their opinions. Why should i care if my parents would be proud of me if they were alive if both of them were too sick to ever consider me anything more then their caretaker. I was never their child. I was a perfect nurse. Free one, raised into their needs.  They would hate that i go to protests. They would hate the fact i used to spent my energy on social work. They would hate the causes i fight for. I am proud of what im doing. Even tho mom used to say that health is the most important, she would hate how ive been stumbling throu life. But im proud. My doctors are proud.  They would hate everything im doing. But I am proud of myself. I like myself. Im okay with myself. I see my face with no make up and i dont think ‘she needs to learn how to do make up to be normal, to be accepted by society’. I like my face with no make up. My parents would hate it. I see the way i act, the way i dress and i think ‘i like this. I like my massive sweaters, my dresses, my tattoos’. I know both of my parents would hate all of it. I look at the way i act, my cursing, my *everything*, and i think ‘i like myself’. And i know my parents wouldnt like me. And i cant find it in myself to care. If they were alive, i would be dead. They are dead and so, im learning how to be alive.

I have carrot juice. A taste of moms last conscious moments. When she was still conscious but her body was breaking so bad she needed to be in hospital all the time, going from one ward to another, i used to bring her carrot juice from the store in front of the hospital. And then, we used to go on ‘adventures’. I would take moms wheelchair and we went from room to room, greeting nurses and other patients, talking abt our days, swapping life stories. Nurses, doctors and patients often said that we brought a lot of happiness with us wherever we went. (they were also probably happy they had additional trained hands for the duration of my visits. I always helped and while i dont have degree in caretaking or nursing, i do have 17 years of on hand experience. I might not be able to help with medicine, but i know how to move a body or put in IV or make an injection so it doesnt hurt. We also brought our equipment with us, something the wards always asked if they can borrow for our duration of stay.) And im drinking the juice, thinking how i promised mom we will go to dresno. How she can show me the city she loved so much. How i promised her we will go to holland. How we dreamed of going to portugal. And how we never got to go anywhere, we only ever got to go another patients rooms.