#maphene

***also subject for revision. i just can't get into the 'right' state of mind.

a-huh. that's exactly his real name, pamurumerlou la pero mercedes lourdes talaga ton siya. want proof now? sure thing. bwahahaha. but me very thankful for this kewl noynoybonoynoy brother. and because i so looove this banker brother, eto na ang sisira sa career at karir nya! bwahahahaha! yes, he's a banker. it shows man. so, here's the treat, enjoy enjoy!

i've traded my lurvelife again, learned the hows through madam karen raagas, in exchange of a brighter future.

and i'm reminded again that most of the best things are free.

bwahahahha! someone's sister added me to her friendster's list. me so shocked! very. and the story behind the very so shocked reaction? here:  way back college, i had this huuuuge crush (you'll know how huge is this huge later on) on an upperclass, that i fondly called fharji kreuk kreuk (FKK). and this affection, some even say obsession, was highly publicized and well sensationalized. almost everybody knew  it, from classmates, orgmates, upperclass, lowerclass, friends, instructors, professors, canteen personnels, guidance counselor, assistant guidance counselor and landlords/ladies. okey, i'll spill/spell the story out in dateline type to put a touch of drama on it. 2002 me: freshie. ba comm arts. taga AS. fkk: sophomore. bs com sci. taga BL. i learned that my prior crush is crushing a friend of mine so me was sooo brokenhearted that i hurriedly looked for another crushable, and there in the volleyball field of UPtac's back lobby was a big-eared guy clumsily playing volleyball with his blockmates. right there and then, i've decided, he'll be my college all-time favourite crush. and indeed, he'd been. so this life changing decision was made into action by first telling my classmates, in all subjects, that i have this crush from the nat sci department. and so they'll get a better picture, i started describing him by the way he walks and those cute big ears, hence he got his first codename: mickey. the news spreaded among some siwangag mates and YFC brods and sisses. and it so happened that one of them is his brother and a few were his high school classmates. so there, i learned what his real name is, address, course, high school award and whatnot. 2003 me: sophomore. ba comm arts. 3/4 taga AS and 1/4 taga BL. fkk: junior. bs com sci. 3/4 taga BL and 1/4 taga AS. there's this what we call mini forest that serves as passage that connects AS and BL. it's where we (baca2) and them (bscs3) meet, sometimes they're on their way to AS for their pol sci or PE subject and us to BL for our hum class with maam anacion. and on those meetings i suffered the perils of noisy and way too loud classmates who blurts out my name and shamelessly proclaims that i like the guy whose wearing a white shirt, and among their group of course he's the only one wearing the color. me: misty specs, cold sweats, straight walk, jelly legs. catatonic. fkk: NR as in No Reaction And if we're not eating at mana fe's fine dining restobar along sto. nino extension, we are savoring the value meals of UPtac canteen, in the headship of mana malou. and there my gang and his get to rub elbows. literal though. and again, since i have the most grateful classmates in the whooole universe, I get used to my name flying everywhere and always tagged with his. ain't that sweet? and in one instance: maila: crush alert..toot.. toot..crush alert! crush alert! karen: mapen..pen..pen...(she's trying to project an echo of my name here) maila: loves..loves..loves.. karen: r*j**...j**..j**... (another echo projection of his name, i won't name names, very unethical) in my entire college life, i only had three shoes to bear with, the longest time i wore and so far my favorite was this blue sneakers that i wrote his and my name on. for a year, i thought that our written name put luck on that 200php shoes that lasted for 2 years, thus thinking that crushing him was such a brilliant idea! and i remember taking pride in my ability to guess what among his shirts is he going to wear for the day. so there. 2004 me: junior. baca. 2/4 taga AS, 1/4 taga BL and 1/4 taga UP capitolyo. full time stalker fkk: senior: bscs. 2/4 taga BL and 2/4 taga AS. and still unaware of the fiasco come third year. there was an in flux of major subjects and so paper works, theater productions and silences with maam alunan, sir sugbo, and maam alegre. them three heard the very fresh-from-the-oven news about me crushing on fharji kreuk. maam merl even labeled  it as an obsession and sir sugbo, being his teacher in hum2, supported me with preparing a "planned accident" so he could introduce me to him. sir vic often uses his name in examples he gave during our lectures in comm research. unfortunately, it never happened -he'd been busy with graduation related activities and moi with hell comm arts weeks not to mention internship. i also joined the UP peer counselors. so good news continued to spread. ate michelle, the guidance counselor, supported me well in my noble pursuit of this guy. it had been a hot topic during our trainings and seminars so both AS and BL persons were made aware. there was even this instance when i was asked to run a position in the SC, with him as a bribe! well, i didn't and this made me realize and grateful that i'm still in my rightful and very sane state of mind. with the connivance of a supportive friend, karen raagas (who also at those time is undergoing a pink-or-blue turmoil with a certain kadayaw who was one of the lead stars), we've been invited to a stage show of baca upperclass. alladin. so to catch two birds in one stone, we waited for 3 long hours in MPB for the show to begin and for his gang to arrive -one of them is a member of the arts org of the performers. the show went on, karen got her piece of cake and me too of course. but the second serving came when after the show, on our way to the AS comfort room, we meet halfway accidentaly. and here's the scene: (he's not in sight yet) me: karen karen loves g**!!! karen: ahahahaha! (her trademark sinister laugh) (me have a poor eyesight so was not aware that he's the one coming) me: karen karen loves g**!!! karen: hmmmmmmm....karen karen loves g** pala ha...hmm... (him: slowly walking towards us, and us walking towards him) me: (still loud) karen karen loves g** me: (getting less louder) karen...ka...ren.... me: (uttered like a whisper) hlavs....geee....*toooot*... karen: (in her full blast sinister laugh) bwhahahahhahahahaha! karen: mapen mapen loves r*j**! bwahahahhahah! karen: (sang this in the tune of lea salonga's Happiness) happiness is shouting your name in front of your crush!!!!! then around march, 2 months after i got his number, while in the middle of my eng lit, asia's lit and third world lit critical analysis and scripts for TA prod and brochures for advertising class, i received his first ever reply to my nth forwarded message. jump jump jump! glee glee glee! happy happy happy! final paperworks? what are those? extra joss? come on, didn't need that. whew! the ultimate sugar booster is here!!! so we texted, (context: 5 forwarded messages in a day from me and one from him, simple hi from him  and a lot of bwahahahas and other out-of-the-universe messages from me), yet, we never met. graduation busied him, and OJT got the whole lot of me. during his graduation, i busied myself in buying a peter pan book in sm south mall and felt joy and sadness at the very same time after reading maam dinky's sms: day, adi katatapos la pumaso nim r*j**.  and i remembered his text the night before telling me that he won't dare ruin his graduation by falling off the stage and complain about not knowing how to memorize UP Naming Mahal. he graduated. it wasn't ruined. he didn't fall off the stage. he wasn't caught lip synching UP naming Mahal. 2005 me: senior. fkk: certified graduate and ready to take the career life. first day of my senior year. me with a super smile, a brand new shoes and a peter pan book to complete the day. he said he'll visit UPtac, i waited with my full smile , my new shoes and the book. but no fharji kreuk kreuk came. but it didn't lowered my hopes. come the week after that, the month after that, still no him paid a visit. so yes, we never met again. i kept the peter pan book, the smile still up and the new shoes unlettered. he made the giant move from the eastern to the central of visayas. then texting became seldom until his name no longer pops up in my inbox. 2006 (feb-march) me: graduating, confused from playing charade him: busy sale-ing and talk-ing because of diskettes' inability to secure thesis files from being corrupted, clang , ena and i resorted to keeping our files in my email. LRC is quite full of cramming students so i decided to go downtown and save our lives and limbs. so the usual routine of pulling up my yahoo messenger and pulling up my email from that end. then came the heart thumping popping out of his name, he was online. i tried a "hi!". it worked. he replied a "hello!". i replied with my ever loyal james bond emoticon (its the ym smiley-wearing-shades-and-flashing-smile). so we exchanged what-have-yous. then he asked for my number. no jumping this time. and told me he lost his phone months ago. i gave mine not expecting he'll keep in touch. and surprises of all surprises, he did. so we started texting again, friendly texts and pakornihan of jokes just like those days. then he informed me that he'll be visiting tacloban, and we planned of meeting each other, even joked about 10 turons and 20 ice candies as his treat. so i just enjoyed it, still no jumping. but, he really came. and we met up in the legendary gaisano, in my siwangag jersey and pants with glues all over (we were busy preparing for our last theater production) we ate together in mcdonalds'. after an hour and a half of pregnant silences and small talks that i don't know if it had reduced his and mine's uncertainties, he gave me a box of assorted polvoron and parted our ways. it was the first and last time that we met as friends, not as a stalkee and a stalker. i was so elated after that. we slept in mpb -me and my classmates. i had a four hour sleep, woke up at around 5:30am and felt this huge lump in my throat. then the crying started. i cried silently at first, then it seemed to engulf me, the pain i was feeling, there's this unnamed agony i felt the whole day that i failed to stop crying every other hour. i got hugs from ranilo, clang clang, karen, maila, lorielle, bity and claiza. and spongebob too. those big and genuine hugs drove the raw pain away. i actually didn't know why i cried. i can't think of any reason during that time. i just felt like crying buckets. then the next day came. he told me that he's scheduled to return to cebu. i texted him back: okey, sige hinay, salamat sa polvoron. emotionless? i don't know. but during that day, i felt no more pain. i just felt satisfied and contented. there's this sort of feeling fulfilled of whatever. i never cried after that. i never stalked after that. yet, i gained a friend. weeks, months and years after that, every time i'm asked about him, i always say, it's done. i realized that it was a mere affection, that i was just amused of him, he's so silent, so simple and, for me of course, deviantly cute. and oh, by the way, i got an enlarged ID picture for a gift from my UP peer counselor family as a Christmas and graduation gift. and it's still in my catarman room. he he he.and the polvoron? i never got to taste any. i shared it with my friends who knew the story and i kept only the box, and never tasted the treat. so there. me not dangerous, right? and thanks to fharji kreuk kreuk's little sister who invited me. 

merlou dave esteria, our miracle, my little boy, turned two yesterday!!!  

i'm in a highly emotional limbo. this entry is sheer ramblings. incoherent. wah! i have always wanted to be confident, in all aspects. i want to know how to defy constructs and limitations. i want to bring out the passionate human being in me. i want to go home, go to tamburusan and shout with all my might how i love the life i have. i want to shout my name. MA. PHEONA. MA. PHEONA. MA. PHEONA... welcome to my world. where the strange and the fancy intersect.

guess what, i just received a very personal mail from my blog. very madrama. me and my blog have this special communication that is quite private but since i belong to a cosmopolitan world and i deeply value friendship among online buddies, i'll let you read snipetts of it. here: dear maphene, Why didn't you write anything for the past week? even if you know that i know that you visits me every morning after waking up at 10am. you always check your inboxes -yahoomail, gmail, friendster, livejournal, even your myyearbook that i believe you secretly love and yes, over me!. I never asked that you prioritize me over those %&^*#! accounts of yours but please...no, PLEASE!!! don't lie. don't pretend.don't assume a personality that isn't yours. be true. be confident that all your friends are mature and human enough to understand the whatnots and whathaveyous you post here. this is yours. i am yours, i am not theirs... my emo blog. haha. i can't afford losing the gentle upbringing of my blog. nakakapagmura na! dumaramadrama gyid. arggh!