#mangorange

But it’s not. 

I’ve thought about you for the past week. I have so many regrets. I should have kissed you when I had the chance. I should have given us a chance ... I want to so badly erase the past and just start at that one moment in time when you whispered in my ear. I should have turned around and looked you square in the eye. I should have let you seen my desire, my want, my budding love.

My heart aches for the should-have-been’s while my mind continues to dissect your words. Why did you ask me those questions? Why were you so persistent on that one train of thought? 

You must have known I would be suspicious. I kept asking you why ... You must have known I would do something eventually. 

I didn’t want to be your income. I wanted to be your girl. 

Why did you do it? I hate you for it just as much as I love you. 

A feeling of both satisfaction and disappointment courses through my veins as I catch you in your web of lies. 

This is not the standard white lie. Your story, your premise, is based on your words and actions. Knowing it was all a lie creates a damning betrayal. A betrayal that beats at an iron heart gone soft and a calm mind gone mad. Rage and annoyance vie for dominance at the forefront of my thoughts.

Why? Why lie?

I understand. I empathize. I acknowledge the boundaries. All I want(ed) was the truth.

I see your plot. Feed off my story, off my hurt and make it your own. Well, good job. Not only did you get hurt but you have succeeded in hurting.

I would bid you goodbye. I should bid you goodbye. I will not bid you goodbye.

I will forgive. I will not forget.    

The second day home from a semester filled with sleepless nights, stress, and the general hulla-bulah of university was absolutely perfect. The quiet underlying buzz of sweet-nothingness cemented the feeling of completion after four and a half months of chaotic - chaos.

To be home is amazing - I'm sorry for ever taking it for granted.

Mum was cooking, Pappi was putting the decorations up while we discussed the best way to secure wreaths, and Chech was popping up here and there for random quirky comments.

It is complete and utter bliss not worry about anything but Christmas decorations, presents, and giving my room a make over. 

But most of all it is a god-send to spend time with my parents. It has been so long since I've had a face-to-face conversation with them. We reminisced and laughed until their bedtimes :) My mom said the cutest thing when we were conversing on colognes - she had mistakenly said "Ace" instead if "Axe"  - we all just stared at her and I was downright confused - Ace??? And then it hit me - AXE! So I gave her this pondering look and said, "Axe?" and the next five minutes was spent in laughter. Such a little thing but its one memory that will stay with me until the end of time. 

I hope everyones break/holiday is filled with memories, and happy moments. 

seems to have escaped me today of all days but to be honest it felt good to finally be myself and stop catering to it, them, she, he, you, etc. I'm done caring for those who don't put an effort to care back.