It’s been a while, eh? I’m not sure I’ll ever get used to this new life, especially without you there. It’s funny how you miss people who insist they barely make a difference. It’s not about how loud they are, or how often they speak, because just knowing they’re there is good enough. It’s about being near someone, about feeling close to them. About being close to them.
I’m getting carried away already, ha!
It never gets easier dealing with all these kids, but we’ve managed not to kill any of them, which is a start. I know we’re not supposed to coddle them, but it’s hard not to when they’re all we have left. Coddling is a strong word; moreso we’re just trying to keep them alive. Not trusting them fully to keep themselves alive.
It’s been hard without you, and without Erwin. He’s recovering nicely, by the way. No more infection risk or complications. He’s back to challenging authority and overthrowing the government as usual. No real surprises or changes there. You wouldn’t be surprised.
I guess I got a promotion. It feels like both a huge divergence and like I’ve been doing it all along somehow. The only real change has been in Levi, but we both know why that is. It’s troubling and encouraging all at once. I just hope we can all fulfill our duties now as well as Erwin has in the past.
They’re all saying you’re dead, and I guess it’s probably true. Still, I feel like I may be able to hold out hope long enough to see you again. The power of willing someone to life is one I’ve never seen demonstrated, but I’m also not certain I’ve ever wanted it so much. I’m not sure I can rightfully express how much my heart aches thinking you’ve been bested without seeming far too sentimental, but know that there will never be someone big enough to fill the hole you’ve left.
Besides, counting titans never worked for me anyway.
In the meantime, I will take my weakness where I can, and remember you as best as I am able. To deny the sensation, the colour, the texture of my pain, would be to deny the memory of you. You are alive in me, so long as I live.
Until we meet again, which is probably sooner than either of us would expect,
