#malignantillustrator

Anders didn’t hear him approach. He wasn’t even sure when itregistered that he was there, just that one moment he was alone, shivering inthe grass with dry red eyes, and the next he was warm, the heat of another bodya long, slender line beside his own.

His voice, when he spoke, was rougher than he would haveliked. “Did you follow me?” Andersdemanded, only grateful that his roommate hadn’t caught him sobbing. He’d onlycried for the first few years.

“So,” Fenris said. “This is Karl.”

Anders flinched, and something inside him boiled. Fenrissaid Karl’s name the way any stranger would. It was just a name to him, fourletters strung together to make a sound, or carved irrevocably into cold, hardgranite. He said his name the way someone who didn’t understand Karl would sayit – someone unfamiliar with the kindness in in his eyes and the humor in hissmile, who had never seen him take a beating for another orphan or heard hisbelly growl in anguish for a missed meal.

What does it matter toyou? Anders wanted to demand. The words were sharp and bitter and ready onhis tongue, lining up like loyal little soldiers. No one invited you here.

Before he could release those words, before he could utter asingle syllable, Fenris stretched out his hand. His brown, tattooed flesh stoodout, too bright and too real, as he laid his palm, flat and reverent, againstthe simple gravestone. He said, “Pleasure to meet you, Karl,” with sombersincerity, and Anders settled back, and he forgot his anger.

“It was a car accident,” Anders said, later, after they hadsat in silence for a very long while, then risen, brushing grass from clothes.They walked together through the cemetery, the sky lit pink and orange by thesetting sun. Fenris kept pace quietly at his side, bundled warm in hisoversized sweater, and Anders no longer felt alone. “We’d lost touch, hadn’tspoken in years, but I was still his emergency contact, so I was the one theycalled.”

“This was – three years ago? Correct?”

“Freshman year, yes,” Anders said, and Fenris nodded, andgrunted, and didn’t interrupt again.

The last rays of the sun stretched across the grass, pinkslowly dimming to purple, then blue. Fenris remained at his side, unhurried,unconcerned with the hour. The backs of their hands almost brushed.

“I had to identify him,” Anders said. “He was alive, but –he was gone. They pulled the plug. I doubt he knew I was there.”

“Perhaps he did know.”

Anders smiled a little, grateful. He said, “Kael was…” buthe couldn’t find the words to finish the sentence. He couldn’t figure out howto say it so that Fenris would understand the crinkle in Karl’s eyes, or theheat of his mouth, or the sound of his laugh in the weak watery dawn of asummer morning.

“He was important to you,” Fenris supplied, and Andersnodded, and they walked to Fenris’s car. “Dinner?” Fenris asked, and Andersrealized the night around them was growing dark, and cold, and that he was veryglad his roommate had tracked him down. It would have been a long walk home.

He wanted to thank him, to tell him how much it meant tohave someone there, how difficult this day was every year.

Once again, he failed to find the words.

“Do I get to pick the place?” Anders asked, as he opened thepassenger side door.

“Are you always this narcissistic?”

Seated at the kitchen table, Anders looked up, scowling at thesight of his roommate returning. Fenris wore a very tight tank and loose pajamabottoms, and his hair was still damp from the shower.

“That’s a little like the pot calling the kettle, isn’t it?”Anders demanded, his mood having soured the longer he sat there, waiting forhis roommate to return.

Fenris tossed his towel into the laundry room, then returned,pulling out a chair at the table. “My sister comes to see me, and you make itabout you. That’s narcissistic.”

“Everything has to be a big secret with you!” Anders shot,emotions bubbling to the surface. “You never tell me anything about yourself.Just when I think we’re – when I think we’re friends, you won’t even let memeet your family. You - !”

“I ran away from home,” Fenris interrupted, before he could goon. “My step father, he’s… well, it doesn’t matter. They keep tracking me down.They know about my scholarships. Things have gotten pretty heated in the past,and I didn’t want you involved.”

“You - ?”

“So why don’t you use that stupid blonde head of yours for afraction of a moment before you decide to jump on me for something you don’tunderstand!” he demanded, slamming his hands down on the table. Anders jumped. “Ican’t keep running,” Fenris said. “I don’t want to drop out, and I don’t wantto go home. The less you know about them, the better, and if you can’t handlethat, then we having nothing else to say to each other.”

“You’re all I have,” Anders said. “I want to be – you’re myfriend. I want to be involved in your life.” He felt his face heat as the otherstared at him, and dropped his eyes. “Just…I don’t like secrets.”

Fenris was quiet for a long moment before he said, almostsullenly, “I apologize for hurting your feelings.”

“And I’m sorry for not asking in a better way.”

The quiet stretched for long enough to become uncomfortable.Finally Fenris rose. “I have to study,” he said.