#malicmata

Kung tutuusin, alas siyete y media pa naman talaga ang flag cem. at ‘di naman gano’n kalayo ang bahay ko sa UPIS. Kung meron lang akong kotse at driver, marami pa sanang oras. Ngunit ang aking umaga papuntang eskuwela ay ‘di gano’n; ito ay binubuo ‘di ng komportableng Fortuner na may malamig na aircon at malalambot na mga upuan kundi ng pagwo-wall squat sa siksikang dyip, pagkatapos ng sanlibong hakbang sa isang kilometrong kalsada na aking nilalakaran kada umaga. 

Tak! Tak! Tak! Sa aking paglalakad, rinig ang pagbagsak ng Easysoft kong sapatos sa aspalto at bato-batong kalsada. Woof! Woof! Woof! Rinig din ang galit at agresibong mga aso tuwing napapadaan ako sa tapat ng kanilang gate na siyang nag-iisang pumipigil sa ‘king pagiging dog food nila. At panghuli, Beep! Beep! Beep! Ito naman ang mga kotseng nasa aking likuran na ako’y pinapaalis sa kanilang daanan. Sa isip ko, “E wala naman kasing sidewalk! Kung hindi garden, ginawa ninyong parking space kaya ‘di madaanan. Kayo na nga ‘tong nagdo-double parking, kayo pa ang galit! Hmp!” 

Bukod sa mga ito, wala naman nang masyadong ingay o abala sa aking paglalakad. Tamihik at payapa naman talaga ang Amorsolo, parang kapag tinatanong ako sa recit — tahimik lang hehe. Ngunit sa katahimikan na ito, nag-iingay ang napakabihirang blangko kong isipan. Madalas dumaan sa kalagitnaan ng aking mga pagmumuni-muni ang mga gawain ko sa eskuwela. 

“Ay! Magpapasa pa nga pala ako ng lit! Mamayang alas otso na ‘yun!” Tak! Tak! Tak! 

“Hay. Buti na lang talaga nakapasa ako sa Math quiz last week! Worth it lahat ng pagod.” Tak…Tak…Tak… (with a smile na abot-tenga). 

Nakakatawa mang isipin, talagang matching ang bilis ng aking lakad sa emosyong dala ng mga ideyang tumatakbo sa 'king isip.

Ngunit ngayong umaga, kakaiba ang mga ideyang bumalot sa 'king isipan. Kakaiba rin naman kasi talaga ang mga ganap ko sa buhay this year. 

Kaya habang naglalakad, parang pabigat nang pabigat ang backpack ko, parang may naglagay ng mabibigat na bloke ng bato sa loob nito at mga aluminum bars naman sa hita ko. Hindi ako makagalaw, na para bang mananalumpati ulit ako sa Speech Festival.

Sa hindi ko maintindihang pangyayari, sumikip ang dibdib ko at naputol ang kuryente sa utak ko — nagdilim ang lahat. 

Para akong nakulong sa bolang bilog ni Manang Bilog pero naka-turn off ang mga ilaw. 

Sa katahimikan ng paligid, may parang sumingaw na ingay sa kaibuturan ng aking utak.

SCREEECH 

Tila dahan-dahan nitong tinutunaw ang ulo ko. 

Blag! Blag! Blag! Sinabunutan at hinambalos ko ito upang mawala ang sakit.

At sa gitna ng aking pag-aalala, takot, at sakit, ako’y sumigaw: 

“Hindi ako pwedeng ma-late sa flag ceremony! AYOKONG MAG-FLAG CEM OF SHAME SA RAMPPP!” 

…Buga… 

Pagkatapos ng isang malalim na buntong-hininga, kasinlalim ng pagkakalubog ko sa schoolworks, bumalik na ako sa Amorsolo, nakasandal sa pulang kotse. 

Gusto ko sanang magtaka kung ano’ng nangyari; kaso kailangan ko nang tumakbo papunta ng Ikot Jeep para makasakay. Wala nang pagmumuni-muni! Tak! Tak! Tak! Napakatulin ng lakad ko; hindi ko na pinansin ang pagkadkad ng sapatos ko sa sahig, at ‘yong galit ng masungit na bulldog sa loob ng kotse niya. 

Pagkasakay ko sa dyip, hindi ko mapigilang mapabungisngis. Nakakatawa na sa kabila ng kung anu-anong kababalaghan o misteryo, flag cem. pa rin ang nasa isipan ko. Eskuwela pa rin. Para lang akong overworked and underpaid employee ng isang kompanya — bukod lang pala doon sa underpaid part kasi wala naman akong bayad. 

“How ‘bout you, Zaila?” Soralie chuckled as she and everybody else looked my way, “Anything… or anyone new you want to tell us about?”

A bunch of oohs and ahhs filled the air.

I stammered and chuckled back. I had absolutely nothing special going on at the moment, so what was I supposed to say? “Well…” I started.

BZZT. BZZT. BZZT. I took my phone out of my pocket and excused myself from our table as soon as I caught a glimpse of who was calling me. I answered the call and began walking out of the cafeteria. “Hello? Nowen?”

“Zaila! What time do you finish class again?” Nowen asked.

I rolled my eyes as I felt my lips curling into a smile. “Spit it out already. What do you want?”

“Boba, ice cream, coffee—honestly, anything at this point,” he sassed, “Look, I know we’re both super busy with school and stuff. But it’s been a while since we’ve last hung out with each other.”

I scoffed. “Nowen, I…”

“I’ll pay for us both, I promise,” he interrupted. I could practically hear the grin on his face, “All you have to do is sit right across from me and talk to me. Come on, Zay. I miss my best friend.”

I dropped my head down. The smile on my face grew. “Fine. You’re lucky I love you. And my last class ends at 4:30.”

“AM?” he peeped, holding in a laugh.

“So do you want me to hang out with you or not?”

“Okay, okay. Chill,” he finally laughed, “Anyway, I’ll see you later, fartface.”

“Whatever. See you,” I mocked before ending the call.

Nowen Palima, I’ve known him for practically my entire life. Our fathers have been best friends since they were kids, and I guess they wanted us two to be as inseparable as they were. Fortunately for them, it worked. Now, I genuinely could not picture my life without Nowen in it. As annoying as he is, I love the boy to death. He’s been there for me, and he’s always been the one person I could turn to whether I was happy about something or at the lowest point in my life.

…

“So they were talking about their boyfriends, asked you if you’d met someone new recently…” Nowen trailed off and took a sip of his iced latte, “and then I called you.”

“Yes!” I exclaimed, “Literally at the right time—‘cause I had absolutely no idea what to tell them.”

“You could have just told them the truth, Zay. There’s nothing wrong with being single.”

I leaned back into my seat and sighed. “Easy for you to say. You’ve had a couple of girlfriends already,” I felt a small ache in my chest as I said that. I chuckled, “I’ve never even been in a single relationship.” I sipped on my own latte and slouched down to stare at the table. The café we were in was jam-packed. Even though the ambience was relatively calm, all of the conversations concurrently happening at every table started to pile up into a cloud of noise. My heart began to beat faster until it was racing, and my breathing turned more and more shallow by the second.

Suddenly, I felt a pair of hands reach for the ones I had on my lap. “Zaila?” I looked to my left. Nowen was there, kneeling beside me. His eyes softened as he squeezed my hands, “Are you alright, darling?”

I nodded. My vision started to blur with a wet feeling.

“Do you want to get out of here?” he asked with a smile.

I nodded once more.

…

“I’m so sorry, Nowen,” I mumbled. My eyes darted to the ground out of shame, “I don’t know what the hell happened to me earlier.”

“Don’t stress about it, beautiful. It’s alright,” he replied. His voice was soft, low and comforting as if he were giving me a hug with his words. “Have you been getting enough sleep lately?”

I shook my head in response. The sky was getting darker and darker the closer we walked towards our homes. The streetlights on the sidewalk were flickering, and the air was humid. The occasional whooshing sound of vehicles passing on the road cut through the silence of the evening. It had always been like this, walks home from school, together. Nowen and I lived in the same neighborhood. Our houses were close by one another, so he insisted that he’d accompany me on my daily walks home to make sure I was safe. Though lately, we haven’t been able to walk together as often as we usually did. I was caught up in my studies and my tight schedule as an editor of our school newspaper. And he was busy training for the upcoming interschool sports competitions. After all, he was the captain of the basketball team, so he had a lot on his plate.

“Zaila?” Nowen called out, piercing through the stillness.

I mused in response and slowed the pace of my steps.

“I was wondering if—no one has asked you yet…” his voice faltered. For a moment, he paused.

I raised my head and turned around to finally look at him. His eyes widened as he quickly averted his gaze from mine. His ears were red and his shoulders were hunched. I quirked a brow, puzzled.

“W-would you let me take you out to prom?” he managed to stammer out at last.

In another situation—in any other situation for that matter—I’d be elated to hear that question. But right now, it only added to my confusion. I stopped in my tracks and crossed my arms. “I thought you were going with Veyah.”

His shoulders hunched even more. “We broke up… a few days ago.”

Yet for some reason, even though he had apparently already broken up with his then girlfriend, something didn’t feel right. It almost seemed as if he was trying to find a quick replacement for his lost date. And what faster replacement was there than your best friend? Prom was an important night, and I wanted mine to be reserved with someone special. Possibly… with someone like Nowen. But no, not like this. I started walking again, treading as fast as I could. My chest was heavy and my head was fuming. I didn’t want Nowen anywhere near me at all. All I wanted was to get home.

“Zaila! Zaila, wait!” he called out.

I didn’t turn around or stop.

“Zaila! Did I do something wrong? I’m sorry for asking you out of the blue like that!” he shouted and walked faster, trying to match my pace.

“You’re pathetic, Nowen!” the words slipped out before I could stop myself. But really, what purpose was there in holding back anymore? “Asking me out because your girlfriend dumped you? That’s so low—so freaking low of you!”

“Zaila, you don’t understand!”

“Understand what? What else is there to understand?”

Tears began to well up in my eyes as I walked further and further. I could only make out the sound of my footsteps now. I looked behind me and found him standing still. His nose was red, and I could spot a few tears that had run down his cheeks.

“I broke up with her because I finally built up the courage to realize that it was you I wanted to be with!” he burst out, almost pleading, “I love you, Zaila.”

But I wasn’t convinced. I was so trapped in the haze of my own resentment that every word he’d said only managed to irk me. “Oh shut up! We both know damn well that isn’t true!” I cried out in response. As I continued to stomp my way forward, I heard him running—before he grabbed my arm and pulled me towards him.

The world seemed to stop the moment my eyes met his. The lights framed his damp face perfectly. So perfect, it was frustrating. I felt a tear trickle across my skin as the swift beating of my heart rang in my ears.

“The only reason I couldn’t admit it was because I was scared of losing you, Zaila,” his voice dropped, low and honeyed, “It wasn’t about whether you felt the same. It was about drifting away from you completely if we ever got together and fell apart. You know how precious you are to me. You’re my best friend.”

Yet it still didn’t feel right. I had no clue what it was that stopped me from accepting his confession wholeheartedly. Deep down inside, I knew I felt the same way. But I guess I was too stunned by the sudden encounter, too surprised to believe it was reality.

I shook the grasp he had on my arm and stepped back. Without saying a word, I stormed away once more.

“God—Fu… Zaila!”

I glanced up and saw the traffic lights before me turn yellow. I ran to the other side of the road in a hurry. “Leave me alone, Nowen!”

I flinched at the sudden honk of an incoming truck. Who in their right mind would drive that fast in the middle of the evening? I clicked my tongue and ran a hand through my hair, exasperated.

“Zaila! Zaila, slow down!” I could still hear Nowen’s voice, drowned out by the honking of the truck, “Zaila, please! I’m begging y—”

A thud, a deafening screech… and a barely audible crunch.

My heart stopped. I stayed frozen where I was and turned around reluctantly, my breathing staggered and shallow. “Oh my God!”

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

HIS BODY WAS SPRAWLED ON THE GRIT AND GROOVES OF THE CRACKED ASPHALT. HIS LIMBS WERE IN ALL DIFFERENT ANGLES, UNNATURAL, ABNORMAL… LIKE NOTHING I HAVE EVER SEEN BEFORE. SOME PARTS OF HIS SKIN WERE SCRAPED TO THE BONE, AND BLOOD KEPT POURING OUT OF HIS UNMOVING FRAME. BUT WORST OF ALL WERE HIS EYES… ALL THE LIFE FROM THEM HAD BEEN SUCKED OUT AND YET THEY STILL LOOKED MY WAY, AND STARED. THEY STARED, STARED, STARED, STARED, STARED, AND STARED.

The world around me began to spin. The flesh of my brain felt like it was being squeezed and hit by a hammer all at the same time. My vision blurred. I raised my head up to the sky, and closed my eyes until my body finally let go and fell onto the concrete of the sidewalk.

That couldn’t have been him… right? That wasn’t him, no. He didn’t look like that—Nowen doesn’t look like that, SILLY. Nowen is handsome, Nowen is like medicine to weary eyes. Nowen is WHOLE and CLEAN and he SMELLS GOOD. He’s SWEET and TALENTED and THOUGHTFUL—my BEST FRIEND. HE’S MY BEST FRIEND, YES! No… No wonder I love him so much.

“I love you, Zaila.” What he said—the most important thing he had said tonight replayed through my half-conscious mind over and over, like the best scene of a romance movie on loop. It was perfect. Aside from the petty argument we had a couple of moments ago, everything was perfect. Thank God. Oh…

Ano nga ba itong nasilayan sa dilim? Na para bang hindi ako nakapiring Ako nama’y dalubhasa sa pagbitiw Kaya naman pinili kong ‘wag pansinin

Subalit gano’n man ang aking pagkilos Ramdam pa rin ang sariling pambabatikos Alam sa sarili na ako’y kinapos Ngayo’y di matakasan ang pagkakagapos

Ano ba ang silbi ko sa sansinukob? Kinakati ang balat at ‘di makutkot Sa pagkasawi lang ito mahahantong Dala ng aking pagkukulang sa tuon

At first, I asked for simple things: A hand to hold, a place to call home. The flame would dance as if it were singing, And I believed I wasn’t alone.

Days grew brighter, my laughter stayed. Each morning felt like clear skies of blue. The words I prayed for, all obeyed— I thought my joy had finally come true.

The lantern’s power fell under my control, A shiver crawling up my spine. Whispered promises intrigued my soul, and I dreamed the world would be mine.

I wished for the ones who mocked to fall, Their taunting silenced, pride undone. The lantern flickered, granting it all, As I cast ruin, one by one.

Darkness crept up on me discreetly, A flash of flame, a fleeting guise. Then all illusion fell completely, And dark crimson proof met my eyes.

I searched every room and called their names. The corridors were cold, empty, and bare. Each doorway held the weight of my blame, And lifeless forms lay trapped in despair.

I gazed upon the lantern’s glow— Expecting murmurs, power, and might. But only my face stared back to show That what I wrought came from my own blight.