#maj9sharp11

you feel cold. no, like really cold. it's 7am on a bright friday morning, and you feel very, almost bone-chillingly cold. you wipe the sleep from your eyes as you remember you are indeed a person that exists. time for class, you remind yourself. of course, class for you means going 20 feet away to your desktop, in which you will attend your virtual classes. it's been the same cycle for just about 3 months, ever since you got into college. you managed to get most of your courses online, only going in once a week. pretty sweet for a double major, even if it’s more like high school than college. log on, pretend to pay attention for 8 hours, and then do nothing for the next 6-8 hours. it's not a particularly conducive lifestyle, but hey, it could be worse. you manage to drag your upper body into an upright position, gently put aside your daughter (shark plushie), put your headphones on, and prepare yourself for the next few hours of lectures that you willingly put yourself through. 

you're still cold. it's 9am, and the sun is still trying to force its way through your blackout curtains. it's winter, so it's bound to be cold at this time of year. you throw some blankets on, and call it there. still more work to be done, still more daylight to burn. your eyes are barely open, still tired from the few hours of sleep you managed to get last night. you check your message client to see a few DMs from your friends, all from the night before. you'll check them later. suddenly, your professor's voice projects through your headphone speakers.

"Pepper, you still with us?" "Yes, ma'am." "Can you explain to me the importance of SNMP¹ in a network?" the mention of that acronym flicks on a bulb in your head as you recite all the things you can remember about it. "SNMP manages network devices using an agent and a manager to collect data on the devices. I think." "Good, Ms. Ramnauth. At least someone's paying attention." you were absolutely not paying attention in the slightest, you just happened to know that. you're also gonna pretend you didn't get extremely excited when an older woman said you did good. you start looking at the texts your friends sent you. a song they found, a piece of art they're working on, gosh, your friends are so talented! shame you didn't get the same gifts they did. nope, you have to work extra to get to the level of good they're at. but enough moping about, do your classwork! you think about possibly getting a snack (or refilling your water bottle that's been staring you in the face completely empty for quite some time now to be honest) but that would require you to get up and to be frank that's a lot of work. surely this will have no immediate negative effects!

it's 10am. you're still really, really, like *really* cold. it was bearable an hour ago, but it's really gotten worse over that time span. not to mention, your vision has been getting more blurry by the minute, and you feel really, really heavy. yknow, for no reason at all. you hear a door open down the hall. your big sister, ellie! when you started transitioning, she was really supportive, even going as far as to help with your weekly injections, occasionally! thinking about her for too long causes a pit to form in your stomach, so it's a good thing you can barely think right now. using the little brainpower you have left, you remember that she's off from work today, which explains why she's home this late. about five minutes later, your phone starts buzzing and blaring a familiar tune. “Yeah?” “You up?” “Yeah.” “Want breakfast?” “Nah.” you don’t need breakfast. you don’t even really want breakfast. you haven’t had breakfast on a weekday in months. ellie’s just trying to be a good sister, i suppose.

it’s 10:30am. things have not gotten better. your vision is getting really blurry, and it feels like you’re gonna keel over and die any second now. as a last resort, you muster all your strength to open your message client and try to contact one of your friends, as a way to keep yourself focused. the unending fuzz of your sleep deprivation and the fatigue of your still ongoing chills swirl to form an extremely uneasy concoction, causing your body to sway back and forth uncontrollably while your hands try to type out a message. your leg muscles tighten in an effort to keep your body in your chair, one that seems to be working for now. time to type out a message.

> spicybun0525: yohu bhsy?

> majorninesharpeleven: girl are you high

heh, nailed it. having endured the moment of truth, you reassure yourself that having sent one (1) message is proof enough that you can handle the rest of the day. look at me, i’m so stro-

*THUD!*

you awake on your couch, not knowing what time it is, your name, why there’s a towel on your head, or how you got here. you manage to remember that you are, in fact, Pepper Ramnauth, and that you were in your room seemingly a moment ago. the sound of another person in your vicinity alerts you to the fact that, wait a second, you were in your room just now. how did you get on the couch? “looks like someone’s awake.” you’re still remembering that you exist, but you swear that that’s your sister’s voice. 

“mh… ellie?” “yes?” “wuh happened?” “I heard a loud noise from your room, and I found you slumped over on the ground, so I dragged you downstairs. you have a fever, by the way.” for someone with a fever, you still feel pretty damn cold. it’s dark outside, but it’s winter, so it could very well be, like, 4pm. “you did not carry me all the way downstairs.” “that’s the part you’re focused on? not the whole you passing out thing?” “well, did you?” “ugh, fine. if you must know, i did in fact, carry you all the way downstairs. I've got, like, big sister strength, or something like that.” “right. what time is it anyways?” “it’s like, 7, I think. you slept pretty long.” shit! you managed to sleep through the entirety of your schedule. this really isn’t good. imagine all the material you missed! this really isn’t good. you’re gonna have to catch up on so many things, this is so ba-

“pepper.” the sound of your sister’s voice grounds you immediately, which could mean nothing. “you need to eat something, you haven’t eaten all day.” you try to protest, being immediately (and frankly extremely rudely) interrupted by the sound of your own stomach growling ferociously. “okay, fine. I'll eat.”

dinner was supposed to be leftover pizza from last night, but ellie had other plans. she cooked a pasta dish that has some fancy Italian name you don't remember, all you know is that it was pretty good. you looked it up, and apparently it takes a lot of skill to pull off. why would she put that much effort into just something for you? you tried to put her off of cooking, but she claims that “you need to eat something more substantial than pizza”. you eat probably more than you should. 

it’s 8:30pm. you’re on the couch, on your phone, and somehow still freezing. usually at this time, you’re in your room trying to advance your (not for long!) tiny music career, but you’re so tired that going up the stairs sounds like a herculean task. not that you won’t try. you took some fever meds after dinner, and it’s certainly starting to kick in. your sister, next to you on the couch is ellie, who you’ve now realized is staring intently at you. “you look dead.” astute observation, ellie. just brilliant. you’ve cracked the code. you do probably look dead, actually. it’s time for bed, anyways. “need help?” “I am completely capable of walking upstairs unassisted.” you get up from the couch, and try your best to walk towards the stairs. unfortunately for you, there's something in the way. 

“...” “so, ms. ‘completely capable’, was that part of your plan?” “..that table was a paid actor.” “pepper.”, your sister says in a tone that says “i don’t believe you know what you’re doing.” to her credit, you don’t. “elizabeth.” you fire back, using her real name. in response to this, your sister gets up from her place on the couch to sling her left arm around your torso in one swift motion. she’s always been taller than you, so she can grab around you relatively easily. the sudden warmth from her body next to your own is jarring, but you don’t hate it. ellie’s torso pressed against yours, her heat spreading to you. she’s really warm, actually… she’s holding you so gently, but tight enough to keep you propped up. for someone that’s been cold the whole day, you’ve been missing warmth like water in the desert. instinctively, you lean into her. “you enjoying this?” she says teasingly. while that may be somewhat true, you need to lock in. the one thing you should be paying attention to right now is putting one foot in front of the other. with your sister by your side, anything is possible! as you make your way upstairs, you can feel your mind slowly slipping as the medicine reaches its full effect. each step feels like you’re taking a gamble, and your vision is anything but clear right now. ellie notices this almost immediately, and you feel yourself hit the floor for the second time today. this time, it’s not by accident. progress! your sister sits you down in the hallway as you try to wake yourself up. you remember a trick you picked up from the doctor the last time something like this happened, and start taking deep breaths to try to regain some sort of control over your body, all the while a very worried ellie checks your temperature. her left hand cups your face while she rests her right hand over your forehead, before pulling back her hand suddenly. “there’s another way to check her temperature, apparently it’s supposed to be better…”, she mutters to herself. what’s she talking about? there’s only one way to check a person’s temperature outside of a thermometer. “pepper, you still with me?” “mh.. yea ai’m still here…” “good!” she moves her right hand to the side of your face, starts leaning in, and…

*chu!*

what. what the hell was that. she just kissed your forehead. what. oh my god. your big sister just kissed your forehead. and not like, a quick peck, either, she held it for a good couple of seconds. she’s still holding your face, looking intently into your eyes. your breathing has gotten considerably faster, and if you were a little lighter, you’d definitely be blushing right now. her lips felt really soft on your skin, what would they feel like on yours…? wait, no! this isn’t right! she’s your sister! now that you’re definitely awake and alert, you immediately question her. “elle, what the hell?” “I heard kissing someone’s forehead is the best way to check their temperature.” “where’d you hear that from?” “I heard it from someone. apparently, lips can sense temperature better than hands.” you’re pretty sure she’s bullshitting. “c’mon, let’s get to your room.”, your sister says, changing the subject. “I think I’m good from here.”, you say, immediately getting lightheaded the second you stand up. seeing this, your sister resumes her position next to you as you finally return to your room after many long hours. secretly, selfishly, you don’t want this moment to end. being next to your sister, feeling her warmth, it all feels so nice. she’s been so gentle with you the whole day, taking care of you, making sure you were fed… you feel warm… but also disgusting. 

it’s 9pm. your sister is putting you on your bed. “night, pepper.” you grab her wrist. “don’t go.” “you alright?” “i’m sorry.” “..huh?” “you did so much for me today. you picked me up when i fainted this morning, you made sure I took the medicine, you cooked for me… you even helped me upstairs. i’m sorry that I put you through that. god, i’m so sorry..” you can barely meet her eyes as you apologize for today’s antics. “oh, sis…” ellie’s expression softens. she hesitates for a moment before pulling you into her embrace, which you honestly were not expecting. “pepper…” she trails off for a moment before letting you go for a brief moment to get comfortable in your bed. your big sister is now in bed with you. “c’mere, hun.”, your sister beckons. you hesitantly snuggle up towards her, before letting her pull you close, with your head in her hands. “look at me, pepper.” you comply, looking up at her. “you didn’t do anything wrong, baby. you didn’t do anything wrong today. you didn’t make me do anything for you.” her voice is dripping with honey, like she’s comforting a small child. you don’t hate it, actually. meanwhile, you were so focused on your sister, you didn’t even register yourself start to cry. “aw… when was the last time you were held like this?”, your sister coos. you bury your face into her left shoulder at the mention of this. how many years has it been since you were held? since you felt truly loved? or safe? you feel ellie’s hand at the back of your head, holding you softly. “you’ve been working so hard these past weeks, you deserve some comfort…” she continues to reassure you gently as your cries intensify, your arms wrapping around her tightly. “you can hug me as tight as you need to, babe. you can nuzzle into my chest if you want, too, ehehe~” your sister squeezes around you as you sob uncontrollably into her chest, the stress and wear from the past few days finally breaking through. the faucet has broken off the wall. “there, there, pepper… let it out. you’re doing so good for me, hun. you’re safe.” your sister kisses the top of your head as she tenderly comforts you. your head feels so good against her soft chest as your body rests on hers, feeling so small in comparison. her stomach feels amazing against your arms, while her hands rest on your back. you can feel every contour on her body, every little detail and imperfection that make her so… her, for lack of a better word. you hold on to her like she’s the last thing in the world. your sister’s always been your biggest role model in your life. when you were little, she’d be the one defending you from bullies who called you horrible names. when you were figuring out that you were a girl, she was the most supportive, even helping you pick out a new name and everything. your big sister has always been your ideal version of womanhood, the one you always looked up to. 

“can you move up a little for me, baby? good girl.” hearing this, you bury yourself further into her chest. “aw.. did someone get flustered by getting called a good girl..? well guess what… you’re always gonna be my good, sweet, baby girl. yeah, hun. even on the days where you aren’t 100%. especially then.” your sobbing is coming to an end, being replaced by, at last, a heaviness in your eyes, and a sense of relief that radiates through your body. as you drift to sleep, the last thing you hear is your sister’s voice, gently guiding you to rest. you swear that you could hear an “I love you”. 

you feel warm.

footnotes: 

¹: Simple Networking Management Protocol, a networking protocol that collects and organizes information on network-connected devices (routers, network switches, printers…) so that administrators can monitor them

ch.1 afterword:

hello, all! this is my first time writing seriously in quite a while, so I hope that I did good. huge shoutout to @mischief-missie for beta reading and helping along the way! this concept is something that I’ve had in my mind for quite some time, ever since I got into siscon all the way back in December. reading everyone else’s works really inspired me, especially @gentlelovingsiscon, @sweetestsixshooter, @sisconvention (whose writing introduced me to siscon), and my biggest inspiration, @damnedlibrarian/librariansister. I think that fluff is something that’s really underrepresented in this community, and I’m glad that I could embody the change I want to see! you all will definitely be seeing more of these gals in the future, it’s far from one-and-done ;P