#mahthoughts

We parted holding grudges against each other, I believe we didn’t deserve that kind of closure we had. We both deserve more than that. During that time, I was actually having a hard time weighing whether the whole thing was going to work out or trying hard saving “us” was futile. Well, you know, the latter weighed more. I ended everything because I felt quite irrelevant to you, if it was intentional, I needed not to know. What you made me feel, sure, didn’t make me less of a person, in fact, it didn’t damage the way I see myself. But you were one of the most significant people in my life, so, my decision stung hard. 

Two years later, it was confirmed, that what we had was, indeed, a losing battle. I found out that you cheated on me (well, I didn’t get the chance to discuss this matter with you up until now, but my source was reliable, so I kind of assumed). You cheated on me with my friends. FRIENDS (emphasizing the plurality). When I found out, I was going out with someone already. I didn’t know how to react because if I reacted so much, it would seem like I was still hurting because of you. I didn’t want that because I was happy with the guy I was with. So I kept my feelings inside. I didn’t confront you. I kept it with myself. 

To be fair with you, you haven’t confirmed anything yet. I know you, you wouldn’t lie to me about your feelings. But you know what, up to this very moment, I’m still scared to ask that to you. What if you confirmed it? What will happen to our friendship? How will I see you the same way again? AND WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU? DON’T YOU THINK IT WAS UNFAIR FOR ME? DO I DESERVE THAT? 

It was Christmas day that I saw you again after almost a year. Nothing had changed, really. I was being civil to you but you, out of nowhere, said some cheesy lines and opened up about still having feelings for me. It made me sick, at first. But I oddly kept on replying to your messages and I answered some of your calls, too. I WAS OUT OF MY MIND. HOW COULD I BETRAY MY OWN MIND.

As soon as you asked if you still stood a chance, I said NO right way before I could utter the opposite. I DON’T WANT YOU BACK. I DON’T WANT US BACK. But maybe I, kind of, missed you and your company. You told me that it was your fault that I fell out of love and the likes. But no, it was no one’s fault. It is just the way it is. If destiny permits it, we would definitely be back together. You said that you were hurting and you didn’t know if you could play for your game the next day because I distracted you. I felt guilty because it was a do-or-die match, and I know you invested so much in that league. I was so guilty that I didn’t know what to say. But I said I was sorry and I will never force myself to lie just so people will feel better about themselves.

The next morning, I woke up with a heavy heart. Soon as I was scrolling through my news feed, you posted the same exact lines that you just said to me. There were some comments asking if you meant what you posted and you immediately replied, “HINDI NO! JOKE LANG PO.” That was your answer to most of the comments. That when it hit me, also. So your confession was a joke? You were just messing with my head? YOU WERE JUST FOOLING ME AROUND? I FELT BAD ABOUT MYSELF. HOW COULD I EVEN TRUST YOU AGAIN?

Just when I was starting to reconsider out of guilt… Thank you, Lord. I know that was your sign. I know you kept me from undeserving people.

I never want to be involved with you again. The thought alone makes me sick. Please, change. For yourself.

I often find myself thinking about you

about how you cared too much

and how I never quite cared enough

it’s really hard to listen to you admit all of your insecurities

In attempt to cover up all of mine

and it stings to see the way you look at me with such hope and trust

because I’ve hurt you before not once but multiple times

and it’s always the same, you forgive and forget

the only thing in the world you want more than to be with me

is for me to be happy

but if I can’t seem to forgive myself for all of my indiscretions

then surely I will never be able to forget them

and I’ll never be able to forget you either

I often find myself thinking about you

about how you cared too much

and how I never quite cared enough

but the truth is, I did care and I still care

so that’s why I avoid you for weeks at a time

I don’t answer your texts or calls

in hopes that maybe you’ll forget about me

lose the trust and hope you have in me

because I don’t deserve you and you don’t deserve this

but you never fail to make me smile

talking to you makes me crazy

but not talking to you makes me even crazier

it’s a never ending cycle that I’m ready to end

the one and only way to fix this permanently

because as long as I’m here we’ll find our way back,

that’s what love is

so I guess you could say love isn’t all that it’s made out to be

it chews you up and spits you back out

ultimately love drove me to my death

Sometimes, I just want to get lost.