Stage 1
So I’m just gonna start this here and now, because I don’t think a pen can keep up with the amount of shit coming out of my brain. I’m fucked. I’m just so fucked? I’m a pretentious fkn able ass white girl and the most I do is complain. I dont know if I was just always a shitty girlfriend or if I just kind of took past experiences and ended up this way. I dont know how it hasnt hit me before that two and two work together and that if i’m not making myself better then it’s going to capsize and hurt people I love. I feel like an asshole right now for slipping. I hate slipping. This can’t happen anymore. I just want to learn. Want to care. Want to stop this. I do so well sometimes and it’s just a line that I cross and can’t come back from. I want people to love me. The real me. Like no more games and fake personas. Just Abi. Alcohol is not doing this to me. I’m doing this to me because I’m not well enough to fully comprehend how terrifying it is. But hey snapped out of it today after some really good talks. I can’t keep pretending this isn’t an issue and I can’t do this by myself. It’s not working. Maybe for a few months here and there but I always fuck it up. So this is my stage 1. Learning what to do. Talking to people. Asking for help. I know I’ll never get fully clean, I’m still a rodent, but I just want a beer at dinner? Not an entire slab? I am so lucky. I have amazing friends. Amazing family. A fucking amazing boyfriend. Why am I even like this?? Im genuinely confused. I don’t want to hurt myself or anyone. It’s time to pull my head out of my ass and work on myself. I just wanna be happy and dumb and in love. So cheesy, but tomorrow is a new day. I want to be me again.
