#magic custard

Epic Spell Wars (A far more manageable, less labyrinthine name, I'm sure you'll agree) is a card game for two to six players, released earlier this year by the wonderful Cryptozoic Games. It's a rollicking game of maths, strategy and chance that'll see you and your friends throwing pulsing balls of arcane energy across the table, battering each other with magic genitals while wearing a bra.

Abi: AND IN THE GAME. So, the game begins with each player drawing a hand of seven cards, which will hopefully contain at least one of each part of an explosive, brain melting spell that you can cast at your friends. Each spell contains three parts (Source, Quality and Delivery), and each card belongs to a certain school of magic (signified by one of five glyphs). Quite often the most powerful spell is one constructed from three cards with matching glyphs, as these give you more dice with which to inflict pain on your opponents.

Spann: Which is why playing Quarriors with you is so dangerous. Each round, all the players will take it in turns to fling their spells around the table; thick sparks of ancient power fizzing around the room as each different part of the spell hits a different person, heals you or makes your spell even more dangerous. This is a game of being a complete and utter dick to your friends, and laughing as you do it because you know in a minute he's going to serve you up a slice of pain pie with custard. Magic custard.

Abi: Magic custard?

Spann: Magic custard.

Abi: Simple enough, you might think; but that's before you add in a cornucopia of magical items that can do anything from add an extra dice to making sure you go first in a round.

Spann: Ah yes, that. Each delivery card (The third and final part of your spell) has an initiative value attached to it, and the player with the highest initiative skips to the top of the playing order like a chimp covered in chip fat. This can make all the difference when it comes to strategy, as some cards only affect players who have already acted in that round, while others punish lazy wizards with a firm, magical spanking.

Abi: The final type of card you'll encounter in the game is the Dead Wizard Card - which, as the name suggests, you will probably only encounter when you encounter a grizzly end, pecked to death by a flaming chicken. These give you advantages in the next round, so even though Steve might be winning (as he was the final wizard left standing in round one), you might start the next one with an extra treasure or health, ready to smash him back into the hole where he belongs, the smug git.

Spann: I hate Steve. And you'll hate your friends by the end of each game too; and you'll find yourself peering over the rubble strewn across Mt Skullzfyre, thinking "I'm going to get you next time Steve. Actually no, I'm just going to make you have to be Fey Ticklebottom the Enchanter next time we play. There's a fate worse than death; that'll teach you."

Abi: And then you think "Yeah, and I'm going to be Krazztar the Blood'O'Mancer, and I'm going to own you".

Not that these incredible names give you any powers or advantages, mind: they're all part of the game's aesthetic and character, which includes shouting out the titles of your spells in your best WIZARDING VOICE.

Spann: It's actually specified in the rules. The game is dripping with character, and the art (done by the amazing Nick Edwards) is bright, cartoony and gory, which suits the game down to the ground. It's almost worth buying Epic Spell Wars just to enjoy the pictures, which is a bonus for those who can't read or roll dice (Steve...)

Abi: Having played this most often with two players however, the difference is noticeable when you add a couple more: Rather than simply trading spells with your one opponent, you can choose to hit your strongest foe, your weakest foe, and then the foe on your left in a single spell, sparing the guy on your right who's only been playing source cards for the last two rounds. He's dead anyway, why not leave him flounder around the battlefield for longer?

Spann: And that's the great thing about the game: You can do just what Abi described above, before having your backside well and truly handed to you by that same guy next turn when he flattens you with something so powerful, that it would take three episodes worth of grunting to unleash if you were Dragonball Z characters. It's a riot, given magic spells and written on cards. The theme is really well implemented, it really does feel like a bunch of wizards, driven insane by their own power, stood on top of a mountain (the game even comes with a cute little cardboard one) simply rattling off spells in whatever order their magic-addled minds can assemble them. The best sorts of games make you swear at people you love, but don't actively make you dislike them when they beat you for the fourth time in a row, and Epic Spell Wars strikes that line perfectly - believe me, I know this well, having barely won a game.

Abi: I don't think I need to add anything more: It's definitely worth owning; it's quick to learn and yet each time you play you can discover new strategies - If you want to.

If you want to play with a strategy you can, but it's also possible just to throw down whichever cards take your fancy and win - it ain't exactly Chess.

Spann: That's true, but it's a million times more fun than Chess, and when Chess gives you something called a Phister Cannon or Phantasmagoons, we'll talk. Until then, invite your friends round, throw this game on the table and shout "BE A WIZARD WITH ME!". You won't regret it.