#madredelavida

[pm in Spanish] That isn’t fair. I just wanted you. I told you that. I told you that I just wanted you around. I just wanted you back. You’re here. Part of you is here and that is more than enough for me. You just have to let it be too.

I just want what’s left of you and I’ll give you what’s left of me. Why can’t that be enough Emilio? Why? Why won’t you just let me in? You’re what I have left. Fate led us here. We’re here for whatever twisted reason. Please.

[pm, in spanish] And I told you, there is no 'me' anymore. Because I'm not, Vida. I'm not here. Everything I was that was worth being died in Mexico. There is nothing left. And you deserve better than- You're not asking for much, and it's still more than I can give you.

I'm not, though. I'm not what you have left. You have your daughters. And I don't. And that's- I don't know how to say this without sounding like a monster. I don't know how to feel this way without hating myself for it. I don't believe in fate. I don't think I believe in anything anymore. There is no reason. No nothing. I wish it could be different, but it can't. I don't know how to make it different.

As someone who has held one of these hands platonically I have a lot to say—

​Oh now I need to know, please say everything.

[pm, in Spanish] I'm not trying to hide. And I'm not as good at running as I used to be, either. No, that's not funny. Christ, nothing's funny when- What do you want from me, Vida? You want me to be who I was before? I can't. You want me to be there for you? I can't. I can't do jack shit, okay?

I'm barely holding on as it is. I'm put together with glue and chewing gum, and it's not going to hold up forever. It's already cracking. I look at you, at Paz, and I just-

I'm angry. All the fucking time. And I see you with your daughter, and it hurts. What does that make me, Vi? What does that say about me? That I'm angry at my best friend because her kids are alive and mine isn't? What kind of person feels that way? What kind of a-

I meant what I said. I'm already fucking dead. Don't waste your time, because there isn't anything to save.