#madasamarchhare

driving to fast

kissing strangers

too many pills

too many drinks

hundreds and hundreds until zero

i need a rush

laying on the bathroom floor at a subway station

a pool of cold water from the broken sink

water drips

staring at the ceiling

the cracks

the spiderwebs

peeling paint

those eyes

those staring eyes

hours

knocking knocking

the eyes dont leave the ceiling

was it worth it

is there anything worth it

where do i go from here

what if i never leave

eyes shut

eyes open

hands clasp the cold sink

then the door knob

the bench

i need a rush

to keep going i need a rush

they say we never live

that we stay trapped in the expectation of living

the desolate walls of our mind never release us

a dreary existance to haunt us

our hopes full of beauty 

lush, velvet, sunset desires

so heavy we never see the flower that struggled its way to the surface

pure madness

trapped

lately

I havent been feeling well

and im sorry if i dont smile as much

im sorry if my words hurt a bit more

if they are sharp and i raise my tone

im sorry if you dont like how i do things

and

im sorry if instead of hurting myself the way i used to

i am hurting you

im sorry im a let down

a disappointment

i dont mean to be

but cant you see im trying

cant you hear my crying

I just want to travel the world. And listen to beautiful music in beautiful places. I want to sit on mountains with cool wind blowing through my hair and walk through dense forests and eat amazing foods from all over the world. And I want to capture it. 

Change is inevitable. But I hate it. I want to go back. I want to start over. I want to go back and not fuck up in school. Not fuck up with my dad. Not fuck up with my sister. Not fuck up with Taylor or Nate or Jagger. Not fuck up my friendships with Brendan or Cheyenne or Alexis or Kerstin or Kelsey. Take it all back. Fuck. I just want to redo my life. Its all slipping away. 

And I'm stuck turned around, looking over my shoulder at everything I've lost and the nothingness I've gained. Because honestly where did it get me? 

Nowhere. 

Speeding tickets, drugs, abuse, jail.