You know, as much the as CoD fandom loves a good age gap fic, there's one iteration I haven't seen. (Maybe it's out there, but I personally don't really like age gap fics, and yet the idea struck me anyway 🤦♀️)
Ghost x Johnny's Daughter!Reader.
You've got his eyes and his grin, his accent, and his penchant for explosives. Ghost, now Colonel, has been in your periphery most of your life. Whenever your mother struggled, he was there to help. Financially mostly (paying rent, groceries, child care, whatever else needed), and rarely the two of them would get together to reminisce over Johnny.
He kept tabs on you but largely stepped out of your and your mother's lives when she remarried. When you enlisted, following your father's footsteps, your mother begs Ghost to keep on eye on you, to make sure you're as safe as possible.
Unfortunately for him, you're good. He sees Soap in the way you clear objectives. The military notices too and it isn't long before you're hitting another milestone set by your father, ranking up.
It's the first time that he says your name and rank, "Sergeant MacTavish," and you grin at him, the scar on your chin pulling up with your smile, that Simon's heart flips. Heat that he hasn't felt in over 20 years igniting a possessive lust in him.
He lost Soap to your mother first, then to Makarov. But he had more power now, over others and over you -- you followed him around like an eager puppy-- he'd made damn sure he wouldn't lose you too.
(He accidentally gives you your callsign. In a moment when you remind him too much of his best friend, "speak English, Soap." Now everyone calls you Soap.)
(Edit: When he fucks you, he calls you Soap. and he isn't even sure which Soap his heart is clinging to.)
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cw: discussions of death, soap is dead, alcohol/drinking mentions, brief instances of homophobia (not from simon nor reader)
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synopsis: after going no contact for nearly two decades, simon riley gets the closure he's always needed with his sergeant. except its through his daughter.
simon can count the funerals he’s been to on one hand.
the first was his gran's, a distant woman whose more memory than material. despite that, he can still make out the many lines on her face, the portrait that they used, and the way his mother squeezed his hand, the other half resting on her protruding belly.
second funeral, which he's unsure if he should count it, comes a year after his gran's. the year 4 class pet, findleton fishgerald, was found belly up upon walking into mrs.barett's room. playtime was instead used as a period for mourning, him and his fellow classmates listening to their teacher give a speech about the poor goldfish.
(now that he thinks about it, fish looked more like a corpse each passing day. it was only matter of time before the little guy kicked the bucket. well, swam out of it)
the third funeral was for multiple people, but they were mourned and packed into an urn on the same day so it counts as one. the contents of said urn include his mother, brother, sister-in-law, and his nephew.
it sticks with simon. his nephew in particular. he died when he was four, his first (and last) encounter with death beating simon's.
the few days after were a blur, but he can still taste the aftermath of his carnage, as well as the whiskey he drank following it.
now, he's attending his fourth funeral. johnny's.
well, 'attend' is an overstatement. stalking is a better describes simon. sitting in the shitty rental he got, parked in the second lot over of the cemetery, away from everyone who claims to love johnny.
bet they didn't love him like he did.
if he wanted too, he could walk over to the gas port, remove the cigarette from his chapped lips and toss it in there. last thing he sees would be this rusty pick-up, his soul barreling towards damnation.
he won't, knowing the muppets that come across his remains will leave him here, too close and yet too far from his johnny.
to others, it may be difficult seeing the gathering, but a trained eye like simon sees everything. he can make out gaz and price from the crowd, as well as johnny's mum.
age has not done her any favors, looking as bitchy as the day he met her. still, she was an important person to johnny.
if only she accepted he was too.
briefly, he thinks about getting out of his car, walking towards what would be a scandalous, bittersweet reunion. sure, price and gaz'll be there to defend him if things get ugly, but blood is thicker than water. even if the string binding johnny and him was red.
(is it severed because he's dead? or does it go deeper? six feet under and unfrayed)
he decides to let them mourn without his interference. the last thing he needs is that hag telling him this is all his fault, with his agendas and whatever the fuck they rant about at churches now.
without sparing a glance, he starts the rental. a small part of him is thankful for parking so far away, the obnoxious rumble of the engine would reveal his location if he were a few feet closer.
he backs out of the spot before heading south, vowing to come back later. only johnny and him.
and the groundskeeper, if his unlucky streak continues.
——————————————————————————
it continues.
shouldn't have. he came back in the middle of the night, the witching hour. while he isn't into the paranormal, a foolish part of him thought johnny's spirit might say some parting words. unless he already left the plane. bastard.
if anything, he was prepared for an intimate moment with the scot, say what he's wanted to say, or at least attempt to. the only feeling he can properly communicate is anger, this aching sadness an unwelcomed yet familiar weight on simon.
that's what he was ready for.
he wasn't ready to find a woman dressed in pajamas and an arm sling kneeling in front of johnny's gravestone.
while he can still see quite far, the night obscures more than it used too, only clocking her when he's a few feet away.
strange, he doesn't recognize her from the funeral crowd. then again, he didn't care for anyone else besides the corpse.
he thinks about retreating, would probably be best to visit when the sun's up, rather than lurk like some ghoul.
simon's begun to turn on his heel when a scream pierces through the air.
he turns back around to find the girl, hunched over the tombstone, clutching it with her free arm. her screams are alarming, like a siren going off in the middle of the night. it might just be a loon, having escaped the bin and is hugging stranger's tombstones because they aren't sane (neither is simon, but he has a semblance of common decency).
it's another sign he needs to go, do a 180 and come back in the morn. though, he pauses upon hearing the girl let out a strangled cry that vaguely resembles "dad.."
no, that can't be right. he knows the crash didn't just involve johnny, his whole family too (unfortunately not his mom).
he knows for certain johnny's wife didn't make it, but the daughter.. the daughter..
he turns back around, zeroing in on her like she's a target. it's hard to see her features, and from what he can see she looks nothing like johnny.
but she is injured. and a girl. and she keeps crying for her mom and dad rather loudly and-
fuck.
there's no denying that before him is johnny's kid. johnny’s daughter.
a mess of a woman, snot and tears running down her face, her skin stretching after she lets out another sob, curved lines surrounding her anguish.
he has to retreat now. simon has, and wants, no business with any of the other mactavish's. if she's anything like the rest of them, he's sure the girl hates him, will damn him to an eternity in hell if he so much as approaches her.
so for the third time that night, simon begins to turn, set on leaving this cemetery and never coming back. what's another twenty years without johnny? he's lived his life in constant pain, won't stop now.
he's taken about three more steps when something rustles underneath him. simon looks down, his foot landing on a pile of leaves. it isn't loud, but it's loud enough to get johnny's daughter (whose cries have quieted down by a few decibels) attention.
"..hello?" it comes out just as tear-filled as her other proclamations have. his back remains turned. if he can't see her, she's not there. this is all some fucked night terror, and he's going to wake up in his johnny's arms in 3, 2, 1-
"i said hello," her voice is a bit more firm, as if she's fully materialized into a person rather than some grief-stricken thing. reluctantly, simon turns , the girl now standing before him. the soft light of the moon illuminates her tear-stained face, the knees of her pants dirtied from kneeling over her parents' grave.
to think, his johnny would have a kid without saying anything. it might be low, but given how simon reacted to their split, he can't blame the man.
the silence continues to stretch on between them. poor kid, probably waiting on simon to break it. he's surprised her first instinct isn't to run or scream for help, but people in mourning tend to forget themselves in their grief.
simon knows firsthand.
a frown stretches across her face when she realizes simon isn't going to say anything. she sighs, wiping her damp face with the back of her hand.
"look, i'm not on anything, and- and i was here earlier for a funeral i just..," she takes in a shuddering breath, her whole body becoming loose as she exhales, "i need more time with my folks," a pause, "alone."
it's a sentiment simon knows all too well, having lost many people. even the damned fish, he wished he was able to spend more time with it.
and simon's ready to oblige, bid her 'goodbye' wordlessly, make her think he was just some hallucination her sorrow conjured up. be nothing more than strangers in an awkward situation.
although, this isn't just a stranger. this is johnny. well, his daughter. and even if she's annoyed at him, its not for the reasons he thought it be.
in another universe, he's already left. hell, he hasn't even shown up in the first place. but in this one, he doesn't do any of that.
If it's not too much would you consider a roommates! Gaz and Soap where you need temporary housing and they offer to put you up for a couple of months in return for some housekeeping and cooking? But then it's awkward sharing a space with three people and two bedrooms so you end up a free use maid ✨
so I’ve been thinking about this,,, and I’m actually changing your idea a little bit (I hope that’s okay!)
also I got completely carried away with this and I miiight already be thinking about a part two where things get a little spicier, like you asked! 👀 keep a look out :))
(also I will 100% write for roommate!johnny&gaz eventually but I couldn’t get this idea out of my head!)
you’re soap’s sister, and when you tell him you need a place to stay, he doesn’t hesitate.
it didn’t click in his mind how your moving in may pose a problem until he’s helping you pack your stuff into a van.
one— he lives with gaz, and he may have forgotten to tell his roommate that they’re adding a third to their already small apartment.
two— there’s only two bedrooms.
gaz was currently on a special assignment, so these two things weren’t a huge problem at the moment. johnny shoots his teammate a text, informing him of the predicament and apologizing for just now telling him.
gaz responds, obviously a little peeved, and johnny’s suddenly absorbed in his phone, trying to soothe ruffled feathers and make this work.
you’re huffing as you keep shoving boxes into the van, your muscly brother now too preoccupied to continue helping.
“little help here, johnny?” you call from the trunk, and johnny startles from his spot leaning against the side of the truck.
by the time he clicks his phone off and resumes helping you, him and gaz have settled things.
you’d have johnny’s bedroom. johnny could sleep in gaz’s room until gaz got back home. and the rest would be worked out at a later date.
————————————————
you’ve never met gaz before. sure, johnny has told you all about his teammates and his roommate in particular, but you’ve never actually met the man until now.
he makes you screech in terror, holding the broom you’d been using to sweep the kitchen up like a sword. he chuckles.
“how’d you get in here?” your eyes are wide, taking in the man in front of you, and then it clicks. you remember the pictures johnny had shown you.
this was gaz.
and fuck, he was hot.
“I live here, love.” he says, his tone obviously amused as he looks you up and down. “gonna put that down? or will I be sporting some broom-shaped bruises for the next week?”
“oh, sorry—” you scramble to put the broom down, leaning it against one of the kitchen counters. “I didn’t hear you come in, and johnny didn’t tell me you’d be home today.”
“he didn’t know,” gaz shrugged, walking further into the kitchen now that your weapon of choice had been set aside. “where is he, by the way? we’ve got a lot of talking to do. gotta figure out this room situation.”
you pick at your cuticles anxiously as you shuffle out of the way, allowing gaz to open the fridge. he grabs a bottle of water and twists the lid off, and you’re mesmerized.
wait, what?
you mentally shake yourself from your stupor.
“um, he’s at the gym i think. he should be home soon.”
gaz nods, taking a swig from his water. his eyes settle on you once more as he shuts the fridge door.
“but about the bedrooms,” you start, taking a step towards him. “johnny can have his back. im fine with the couch, and—”
“oh, absolutely not, love. I’d sooner take the couch than make you sleep on it.”
“no no,” you say, shaking your head. “I’ve already caused enough problems by moving in. please let me—”
he cuts you off again with a dazzling smile. “it’s settled, love. you’re not sleeping on the couch. and your moving in isn’t a problem, trust me.”
damn, he’s smooth. you feel your cheeks getting hot, and you have to force yourself to look away from him before you melt.
“okay, well, if you won’t let me take the couch, at least let me do the chores and stuff, yeah? it’s not like I have much else to do,” you tell him with a dry chuckle. the whole reason you’d resorted to moving in with johnny was because you were between jobs right now.
you quite literally had all the time in the world to help around the apartment.
kyle almost looks like he’s going to protest again, but he doesn’t. he must see how much you want to do this, how badly you feel for ‘interrupting’ (you’re absolutely not, and although he’d been miffed about johnny not asking him about you moving in at first, he couldn’t care less now. you were stunning).
at his silence, you give a firm nod. “alright then,” you grin, and he matches your expression. “nice to finally meet you, gaz.”
“kyle,” he says, and your smile widens the tiniest bit.
“kyle.” you say, as if testing the word out on your tongue.
“sis, y’home? I was thinking chinese for dinner!” johnny calls out as the door to the apartment opens. he steps inside, toeing off his shoes before rounding the corner to the kitchen.
“you shite!” johnny laughs out as he spots gaz in the kitchen. they both chuckle, embracing each other in short hug, slapping each other on the back.
“y’broken?” you hear johnny ask, and gaz shakes his head.
“nah, all good.”
johnny nods, patting gaz on the shoulder before his eyes shift to you.
“see y’ve met my sis,” he says, moving towards you and ruffling your hair. you groan, slapping at his hand. gaz laughs. “hope she hasn’ given ya trouble.”
“I just came in,” gaz says, eyes meeting yours for a brief moment.
“so she hasn’ had the chance yet, then,” johnny jokes, and you roll your eyes. “chinese alrigh’ gaz?”
the other man nods, and the two soldiers fall into familiar conversation. you feel as though you’re intruding, and you attempt to slip out of the kitchen unnoticed, but gaz stops you by mentioning your name.
“I was just telling your sister that she’s not sleeping on the couch,” he tells johnny, and then his eyes slide to you. you look sheepish, like a kid caught with their hand in a cookie jar.
“oh, o’course not,” johnny agrees. “I can take the couch, she’s my sister.”
“we could switch, yeah?” kyle looks at johnny. “that couch isn’t that comfortable, mate. I don’t wanna be hearin’ you complain about your back in a few days.”
johnny laughs, but nods. “sounds good. looks like you’re livin’ the life then, aye?” he says to you, and you open your mouth to speak, but kyle beats you to it.
“actually, we were just talking about all that. your lovely sister here was saying she’d like to keep the flat clean.”
“s’that so?” johnny questions, eyebrows raised as he looks at you. “y’don’t have to do that.”
“I want to, johnny. it’s the least I can do after barging in on your lives.”
you can tell by the look on your brother’s face that he’s going to argue, so you swiftly cut him off.
“no arguments! it’ll give me something to do anyways.”
johnny concedes, then excuses himself to shower. you tell him you’ll order the food as he leaves the kitchen.
you and kyle are alone again, and his eyes are trained on you. you clear your throat before fishing your phone out of your pocket.
“what’s your order?” you ask him.
kyle grins. he knows what he’s doing to you.
god, this was going to be an interesting stay.
—————————————————
author’s note:
this is my first time really writing both johnny and Kyle, so I apologize if they seem ooc!
Summary: You're at the end of your rope and things come to a head that end in near tragedy.
Warnings: Emotional abuse, near miscarriage, affairs, I will not apologize for putting Mike Baker from Rainbow 6 Siege into this. I do what I want.
~::~::~::~::~::~::~
“Mum, Dad, what are you doing here?” I asked, keeping my distance from the pair. Moira and Seán MacTavish were in their late 50s, but did their best not to look like it. Mum had her hair dyed a lighter blond as Dad had put black dye in his beard and hair. Johnny looked just like our dad too, dark hair, stormy blue/gray eyes, hell is Johnny had a full head of hair and a beard it would be hard to tell them apart. Mum looked just like Saorsie. Both had the same sandy blond that would glimmer like rays of sun on a warm day with hazel eyes that would swirl into more green some days.
I, however, looked very little like them. My hair didn’t shine like my Mum’s and sister’s or have the same depth of black that Johnny and my dad had and my eyes were dark, with no fleck of blue or green. I had some of my mom’s features, faintly the same nose, but very little in common with my Dad.
“Your brother let us know of your situation,” my Mum, said as she stepped forward to meet me and John with my Dad next to her. “We wanted to see if it was true and see if any help was needed.”
“You want to offer help?” I asked, scoffing at her. “After nearly a decade, after lying about me to the family and friends and anyone who would listen, after blaming me and making sure everyone knew you blamed me for Saorisie’s death, you want to offer help? Fuck off.”
“I knew she would be like this,” Dad said, shaking his head.
“You didn’t know shite,” I snapped. “You washed your hands of me years ago. You don’t get to come back into my life and act like you both are offering some saving grace as I flounder. I’ve been doing fine without you.”
“You got pregnant after getting drunk with a stranger,” Mum hissed. “You don’t have to like it, but we’re here to make sure you don’t ruin your life.”
“Well, I haven’t ruined my life. It’s honestly pretty good. I have friends and I have a partner and I’m having this baby without your help,” I said. “Now, you’ve done what you came here to do, so leave.”
“Do you really think you can raise a baby? That’s a commitment. You can’t go out and party when you want to or take the baby with you. What about when you go to work? Who’s going to watch the baby? Not the baby’s father,” she said.
“We’ll figure it out and it’s none of your business,” I snarled at her. She didn’t flinch though, keeping her stance. “I don’t like you, you don’t like me. Why are you here? What did Johnny say? That I’m drinking or doing drugs or trying to get money from John?”
“He didn’t exactly say that, but he did say that you were pregnant with his captain’s child,” Mum said with a small huff. “Don’t ruin this for him. He’s worked so hard to be where he is. Johnny doesn’t need you to come in and screw it up for him.”
“Oh fuck off,” I spat with a scowl.
“That’s what will happen because that’s what you always do. You ruin things.” I couldn’t answer, swallowing back any retort or else I’d burst into tears. Even after all these years, I was still crippled so easily by her words. “You know that I’m right.”
“Enough of this,” John growled. He had been uncharacteristically quiet the whole time, but when he pulled me by the arm, I noticed my Dad was standing further off to the side. When had he stepped away? “Bugger off, both of you,” he snarled as he walked us inside. His grip was tight, painfully so. I didn’t have time to tell him no or to stop before we were in my place.
“Okay, ow,” I huffed, jerking my arm away. “What was that?” I asked, rubbing my arm where he’d gripped it.
“Sorry, Love,” he said with a soft sigh. “I didn’t think your parents were that bad, but I was quickly proven wrong.”
“You didn’t believe me?” I asked, stepping back. “Are you fucking kidding me? After sticking up for me with Johnny and everyone else, but you didn’t believe me this whole time about my parents?”
“I didn’t say that,” John said, facing me. “I didn’t say that you were lying or that I didn’t believe you.”
“But you did. Just now. You thought I was lying to make my parents sound like monsters!” I cried, shaking my head. “Why would I lie about that!?”
“I don’t know!” John yelled, throwing his hands into the air. “I didn’t think it was as horrible as you made it because sometimes we think the horrible things that happened to us growing up seem much worse than they really were. When you said your parents favored your sister and brother over you, I thought it was because you didn’t have as many activities as them to go to or maybe because you were the youngest, you thought it wasn’t fair that Johnny got to leave so soon after school or your sister got the car instead of you because Johnny wasn’t there.”
“Oh my god,” I said, moving further away from him. My head was feeling hot and fuzzy as my chest began to tighten up. “You were humoring me this whole time and-God! I’m so stupid!”
“No, Love, please-”
“Get out,” I snarled. “Get out of my house! Get out of my life! I’m done! I’m fucking done, John! I have gone above and beyond for you! Letting you into my life because you’re the father of this baby, but you've changed so much of my life and keep trying to change more when I tell you to stop it. I am done being bowled over by people in my life. I was better off alone and I’ll be better off alone. You just bully and push till I give you what you want, saying you care about me, but really it’s just control.”
“Please, let’s just take a moment to calm down-”
“No! I’m not listening to you anymore! You’re not going to bully me into giving you what you want,” I said, pointing at the door.
John stood there, mouth open like he was trying to make words come out, but nothing happened. I stood my ground, keeping my finger pointed at the door. He took a deep breath before nodding. His heavy footsteps followed him out the door, leaving me in silence.
Just when things were seemingly working out, of course it all went to garbage.
‘You ruin everything.’
~::~::~::~
Johnny had kept to himself mostly after the screaming meltdown he’d had with his sister. He had tried to reason away everything their parents did, that maybe they did it to keep them all safe or were just tired of this out of control child. With a busted ankle, he had nothing but time to mull everything over and really process it. When he first ran into his estranged sister and saw she was obviously pregnant, he wanted to turn around and run. The thought of getting caught up in that drama and getting guilted into helping this poor single mum did not sit well with him.
Then it turned out that she and his Captain had had a fling and it was his baby. After years of listening to what their parents went through while trying to help her only to get spat on, Johnny was not going to let his Captain fall victim to her. It probably wasn’t even his.
Price swore it was and that they hadn't slept with anyone else, but he still didn’t know. Even when they nearly came to blows at his place, it took Simon pointing out the flaws in the lies he’d been fed to get through that maybe his parents were showing favoritism and there was something much deeper going on. Usually he could sniff out a bad situation, but it was his family and he trusted them. Simon didn’t have that luxury growing up and knew that people could be cold and cruel, no matter the kind and caring face they put forward for the world to see. It helped him grasp the possibility that his sister was telling the truth.
Johnny wasn’t ready to believe her 100%, but he wanted to talk to their parents first. He called them up a few days after seeing her again and talking about what had happened. From seeing her pregnant in the grocery store to it being his Captain that was the father. They had some problems with that, automatically calling her several choice words and agreeing that it either wasn’t Price’s baby or she had done it on purpose to get money out of him. There was no mention of them coming to visit, though.
He didn’t speak to them again till after he was screamed at. It was the tipping point in him beginning to believe his sister. When he brought up everything, they always had something to explain why they did what they did, but the more he pushed, the more they began to turn on him. They’re choices sounded insane and the reasoning was flimsy and were done not to combat an unruly child, but punishing someone for the sake of punishing them.
A story from school came to mind as he stewed. The story of the Whipping Boy. The Prince wouldn’t be punished, no matter how awful he was, so The Whipping Boy would take the punishment. No matter how terrible or if the Prince misbehaved on purpose, the Whipping Boy was the one to take every whipping or beating. That was his sister, but worse. Their parents didn’t wait for Saoirse or Johnny to mess up to take out their anger and frustration on their youngest child.
It was too late, though. Johnny had driven the final nail in the coffin of their relationship.
He sat on his sofa, picking his phone up, wanting to call or text his sibling, but dropping the phone each time. Johnny felt the need to fix things between them. He didn’t have any other siblings and neither did she, and with how their parents went about things, the two would be the only family they had left.
Until John came through the front door.
The man looked exhausted, his shoulders limp and stance bowed. His eyes were red and wet while his nose was irritated as he kept sniffling. What had happened?
“Cap?” Johnny said, moving to stand and limp over to the older man.
“I’m going to put this as simply as possible,” John said, his face hardening into a pointed snarl as he faced Johnny. “Do not talk to me. Do not ask me anything. Until I can keep myself from trying to strangle you, fuck off.” His voice was terse, deeper and more gravelly than usually.
“What?” Johnny said, hurt and confused about what was being said. Had his sister told Price he did something wrong?
“Your bloody parents showed up is what,” Price snapped. “I was making things work. We were going to be okay, but then your parents showed up and made sure it was fuckin’ flushed down the drain. Your dad, yeah? Your dad offered me money to leave your sister and my daughter to make sure you weren’t affected by our relationship.”
“I didn’t know they were going to come here and see her or you!” Johnny cried. “They didn’t say anything about it and I certainly didn’t call them to complain or tell them to do that! It’s not my fault our parents did that!”
“It is!” Price snarled. “It is your fault! You were told by me and by her that your parents were fuckin’ abusive and horrible, but you ignored it and ran to them the moment you could!”
“I’m sorry, okay! I thought she were lying! I thought she was trying to get you locked into a relationship for money!” Johnny yelled back.
“You were told by multiple people that your parents were lying! You were told! There was no reason to involve them and now I have to go to a lawyer so I can have rights to see my daughter because her mother doesn’t want anything to do with me!” Price yelled.
“How is that my fault!? How is that my parents fault!? Did you take the money!?” Johnny bellowed, knowing full well he was digging himself a hole as he kept arguing with his superior.
“I didn’t take the money,” Price said, suddenly deflating. “I. . . Told her I didn’t realize they were that bad. She took it as that I didn’t believe her and now she’s kicked me out of her life and the baby’s.” The men were quiet as they stood there. Johnny had thought he’d lost his sister for just a bit, not permanently. With the new development, it looked like he may not have a chance to fix things.
“Oh,” Johnny said softly. He didn’t know what else to say. Johnny did feel bad for Price, but he didn’t have guilt. It needed to be there, but he just didn’t have it.
“Just give me some space, you muppet,” John said softly, inhaling sharply through his nose. “It may not be your fault completely, but you had a hand in it. We’ve got time before our next mission and I need to not go into it with a clouded head.” At the end of the day, no matter how much chaos was happening in his personal life, he needed to not let it into his job. If that meant avoiding Johnny for a few days, so be it.
Johnny wasn’t sure what to do to help anyone, but he knew someone who would. Making a quick call and finding they were in town, he was glad to catch them.
~::~::~::~
I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. All that I could do was sit on my couch and sob. I was overwhelmed with so much anger and fear and sadness. Jesse would have been there in a heartbeat, but I needed to do this alone. This new direction meant I would be on my own with a baby and as much as I was used to doing things myself, I had to accept that not even Jesse could be around when I needed someone. He had his own life and his own problems and joys and events that I couldn’t bear to take from him.
Stress pains began to make me nauseous as I rubbed my belly. It was becoming too much and I couldn’t stop crying. John had left an hour ago already, but it was more like he’d died with how I was reacting. Was I grieving? Maybe. My whole life felt like it was spent grieving for something. My acceptance of my parents not loving me, my brother leaving me, my sister dying, the loss of who I could be if my family wasn’t shite. . . I was cursed. It had to be that. That was the only way that these things could be happening.
By the time night fell, I was able to gather myself enough to practice deep breathing as I kept rubbing over my belly while I laid on my couch. There was still pain, not as bad, but it wasn’t coming and going, just staying. It was starting to get concerning, to the point I was about to call for an ambulance as there was a knock on the door. Continuing to focus on my breathing as I worked to stand up, I was overcome with a sharp pain in my stomach that brought me to my knees with a wail.
“No, no, no, no,” I muttered as I held my belly with one hand and the other held me up as best I could.
“Ducky!” A familiar gruff voice called from the front.
“Mike!” I cried. “Mike, I need you!”
The one who had come through when I was alone and in need, it was always Mike to shuffle along and find me. He was my cousin on my Dad’s side and always kept his distance till he was truly needed.
The front door nearly came off its hinges when he came in, ready to fight anyone and anything he had to to get to me. He barrelled into the living room to kneel next to me.
“I’m here. I’ve got you, Ducks,” he said, helping me stand to pick me up. “We’re going to the hospital.”
“My wallet is by the front door,” I said before a sharp pain came over me again. “Shite!” Mike got me into his truck before running back in. He took a minute to come back, but he had grabbed my pack and was coming back out while stuffing it with my purse while holding a pair of shoes for me to slip on. He handed me my things before rushing around to his side. Once he was in the truck, he took off.
“Keep breathing, Ducks. I know it hurts, but keep breathing,” he said. The man had been a part of SAS for as long as I had been alive, to see him flustered even the slightest was unsettling. He was gripping the steering wheel tightly, his knuckles white as he sped to the hospital. I could only nod and continue to breathe.
Screeching to a halt in front of the emergency entrance, Mike was out and yelling for help as he ran around to my side to pick me up from the truck. He blew past the nurses that were rushing out to meet us with a wheelchair and straight into the emergency center. It took two words of ‘pregnancy’ and ‘pain’ to be taken back to a room. I was put into a gown and had an ultrasound pushed into the room so fast I swore that I saw a dust trail behind it. Through the exams and monitoring, Mike held my hand as I was terrified I had lost the baby. If I had, I knew. . . I just knew I would not survive it.
“Want me to call anyone?” Mike asked softly as the nurse reported to the doctor.
“I don’t know. I’m not-” I choked on the words, trying to calm down, but it was feeling impossible. “I’m not talking to anyone right now.”
“No one?” Miked asked, receiving a nod.
“Mum and Dad came by and as usual, I was treated like shit and the baby’s father was with me. So of course he gets caught up in it and suddenly we’re fighting because he never did believe me about how shite my parents are,” I said, rubbing my belly with my free hand.
“Your Mum and Dad are here? They came all the way here to just give you shit?” He asked, sighing heavily.
“Mostly to reprimand me for possibly fucking up Johnny’s military career. His captain is the father,” I said. “It was a drunk one time thing, we’ve been trying to work it out, but Johnny decided he needed to meddle and now Mum and Dad showed up to make sure I hadn’t ruined something else.”
“Fuckin’ hell,” Mike groaned. “This is bullshit. Even after all these years, they still find a way to be fuckin’ knobs. I’m so sorry this happened, Ducky.”
“It’s not your fault,” I said. “It’s no one’s fault, it just happened.”
“I know, but I’m still sorry. I should have come sooner,” he said. “Maybe you wouldn’t feel so awful now.”
“How did you know to come by?” I asked, but the doctor came in before he could answer.
He was quick and to the point, I needed to go on bedrest for the next few weeks. My blood pressure had been so low before and now it was sky high, giving me braxton hicks contractions. The baby was fine and would be okay, but it all boiled down to me needing to get as much water as possible (something they always told me) as well as keeping my stress levels as low as possible.
Well, I would have to figure out work again and I am pretty sure they’ll just let me go or put me on maternity leave early. As for needing to lower my stress level, I had been forced to take on so much so quickly that I wasn't sure if I could do anything about it.
I would be kept overnight at least, meaning I would be given some time to get things arranged. At least Mike was there.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to call someone?” Mike asked.
“I don’t know,” I said, rubbing my face. “I basically broke up with John and kicked him out, so I don’t think he’d even want to be here.”
“John? And he’s a captain? You shacked up with John Price?” Mike asked, chuckling.
“Not helping, Mike,” I sighed. “How do you know John?”
“Ducky, I was his CO for his first year in SAS,” Mike said. “I know him. I’m surprised he’s not here trying to sneak in.”
“That’s a big part of our problems, actually. We were going to talk about him bullying me into what he thinks is best for me rather than asking what I want,” I said. “He just came back from a mission and we found out the gender of the baby when my parents were waiting for us at my place. Which, I don’t know how they found it. I haven’t seen or spoken to them in almost a decade. Johnny probably said something,” I said. “That’s the only explanation.”
“Well, despite him having a bit of a runner for a mouth, he did give me a call to come by and see you,” Mike said. “He told me a bit about the row you two had and how you put him in his place, as well as that you and the father were on the outs. Not too much detail, but enough that I came by as soon as I could. I’m on leave for a bit and, if you need me to, I can make it longer.”
“You don’t have to-”
“My Duck,” he said, gently stopping him. “You have no one, according to you, so please let me help you. It’s the least I could do to help make up for not being here sooner.” I was quiet, nodding as I squeezed his bear claw of a hand.
“Why can’t my parents be like you?” I asked softly, looking up at him with watery eyes.
“I wish I had the answers for you, I truly do,” he said. We fell into a comfortable quiet, letting me drift off to sleep for a bit.
What woke me up was the sound of arguing outside my room. I couldn’t see anyone, but I was able to pick out a few voices. Mike was there with Johnny as John’s voice piped in to cut off a very angry Scottish man’s voice. Oh.
“Enough of this shite,” Mike snarled, coming back into the room. “I’m telling her. I’m done letting you control this narrative. I couldn’t be there when she needed me the most when she was younger, but I’m here now and she needs to know the truth.”
“Don’t you fucking dare!” My mum shrieked as she followed Mike closely with my dad, Johnny, John, and a few nurses trying to break the whole group up.
“Ducky,” Mike said, his voice quieting down as he turned to me. “I am so sorry and I want you to understand that I couldn’t be what you needed me to be when you were younger. That was probably when you needed me the most.”
“Mike Baker, shut your fuckin’ mouth!” My dad bellowed.
“Out!” A nurse yelled, while security filed into the room. “Everyone out!”
“Please, let me explain,” Mike said.
“Mike can stay,” I said as the others were forced out. “He can stay.” Johnny helped drag our dad out as well as our mum. Once everyone was gone and the yelling had stopped, Mike let out a tired groan as he took a seat next to my hospital bed. “So, why are you sorry?” I asked, groggy and confused by the sudden appearance of everyone.
“That I wasn’t a better father,” Mike said, going right to the issue. He never was one to dance around the subject. “Specifically to you.” It took a few moments for me to understand as I was still groggy, but when it did this sense of understanding and acceptance washed over me. It made everything click into place, giving me proper balance for the first time.
“You’re my father?” I said slowly. “So, who’s my mum?”
“Moira. She’s your mum,” Mike said with a sigh as he sat down. “Seán and her were having a rough patch after Saoirse was born. It lasted a few years and got to the point that she left everyone for me for a while. She didn’t know she was pregnant till after a few weeks of deciding she didn’t want me after all.”
“That was the same time that you and your ex-wife, Laurie, split up,” I said, putting the puzzle pieces together. He nodded and sighed. “So Mum and. . . Seán, they knew the whole time?”
“Yeah. From the moment she found out she was pregnant, she knew you were mine,” he said.
“And you weren’t around because of your job?”
“Mostly, but also because I didn’t want to make things rough for you. Neither of your parents were happy that I was your father and made sure that I knew they would never let me forget it. It wasn’t until your sister’s death that I was able to see what was going on. I was always away or busy with my own life, add in your parents threatening me if I told you. . .”
“So, it’s all my parents fault,” I said with a nod. “Not this thing, but in general. I’m gonna blame my parents for it. It always goes back to them. Even if I wasn’t an affair babe, they would have treated me differently still.”
“I still take part of the blame for you having the life you did,” Mike said.
“Don’t. You did what you could and they could have chosen any route to take and they took one of the worst ones,” I said. “Thank you for telling me now though. I’m really tired of people hiding things.”
“You’re welcome, Ducky,” Mike said, giving my hand a squeeze. “Your Jo is outside whenever you’re ready to talk to him.”
“I’m assuming you called him and Johnny and Johnny called our parents,” I said, slowly blinking as I looked at him. Despite the commotion and the news, I was still so tired from being given a small dose of melatonin to calm down and relax. It was one of the few things I could have that would help with my stress other than people leaving me alone.
“I called Johnny, but he told John. The boy called your parents to yell at them and everyone showed up at once,” he said, shaking his head.
“That sounds about right,” I said. “I don’t have the energy to deal with them, but tomorrow I’ll pick one to talk to. Right now it’s resting time.” Mike snickered, nodding. Going back to sleep, I didn’t think about what I was going to say or do till the next morning came with John sitting outside with my favorite breakfast food and flowers and, the thing that told me he was really thinking of me, a set of bracelets made of rose quartz.
Mike looked to me for approval before letting him in.
John looked like a kicked and drowned puppy with how he stood there in the doorway, holding out the food.
“Actions are louder than words and. . . This is very much shouting how sorry you are,” I said. “You can come in and we can talk.”
I could feel the relief as he let out a huge sigh before coming over to hand me the food. After sleeping and having some breakfast, my head was much clearer and not as frazzled or full of rage. “I’m sorry that I screamed at you last night and said we were done,” I said, reaching out for his hand. “I was really hurt by what you had said, but I should not have reacted that way. At most I should have asked for a night off.”
“No, you were in the right,” John said, taking my hand with both of his. “You were stressed and we hadn’t had a chance to talk about us before getting jumped by your parents. I should have kept my mouth shut and let you decompress.”
“Both of us were in a spot and needed to talk about us. It can’t be just one side who’s wrong,” I said. “I think we should go to counseling so we can make this work. The baby needs us to be better than this.”
“Absolutely,” John said, nodding. “Whatever it takes to get us to the good, I’ll do it.”
“Same here,” I said, smiling. Pulling him over to me, I gave him a kiss and a tight hug, before putting his hand to my belly as the baby began to move around. She had started to do that after I ate more and more, which helped with timing as he stared wide eyed in wonder.
“She’s really in there,” he said with a soft chuckle, getting teary eyed. “I know you’re pregnant and never doubted it, but it’s just so different feeling her kick around. It makes it so much more real.”
“I know. I thought it was indigestion at first,” I said, smiling as I stared at his hand on my belly. His calloused and work worn hands were such a stark contrast with my baby blue hospital gown, but it was good. We were two different people coming together when this mish mash of us was created. “Now she’s doing happy dances whenever I eat. She’s a lot like her mummy, happy for food.”
“Well you’re not the only one who likes a good meal,” John chuckled, leaning in to kiss my head. We chit chatted a bit more, getting settled back into our usual rhythm that helped solidify our relationship.
A knock at the door made us go silent. The door opened to show Johnny hanging his head very much in the same way John had. So many mixed feelings shot through me and I wasn’t ready to talk to him.
“I just wanted to stop by and. . .” He trailed off as he looked up at us. “Um, can we talk?”
“Johnny. . . I can’t. Not now,” I said, actively working to keep myself from letting my anger shoot up with my blood pressure. “I don’t know what you want to say, but I can’t. There is too much stress and with you calling our parents? Please just go. If I want to talk in the future, I will come to you.”
It was easy to see his heart break, but he stayed quiet. Johnny nodded, taking a deep breath before leaving.
“You want me to talk to him, don’t you?” I said, looking over at John.
“I don’t want you to do anything unless you want to. This is between you and him,” he said. “If you want to talk to him, I’ll support you. If you never want to see him again, I can do my best as I work with him.”
Shit, that’s right.
“I think some counseling first would be good before I attempt anything,” I said. “You working with him changes things and with what you do, I don’t want our issues spilling over into your work. I need you and the baby needs you. There’s no way that I can risk losing you.”
“I need you, too,” he said, kissing my cheek. “So, I can let him know that things between the two of you will be paused and if anything, encourage him to go to counseling as well. God knows our entire group needs it.”
“That sounds like a good idea,” I said with a nod. “In the mean time, we need to pick your place or mine to live in so we can have a nursery to get ready.”
“Didn’t think that you liked my place,” he said with a snort.
“Eh, it’s not a matter of not liking your place, it’s a matter of comfort. Not having a backup plan makes me nervous,” I said.
“Understood. Let’s get you home first then spin a wheel to decide, hmm?”
“I will spin your wheel, ye daft ninny,” I groaned, rolling my eyes while John snickered. “I missed you.”
7 weeks - ~::~ Summary: After a drunken night with a man name John, Reader finds herself in a position they had never thought they would be in. ~::~
16 Weeks - ~::~Summary: After a few weeks of forming a routine, you and John have a small surprise trip to the ER.~::~
18 Weeks - ~::~Summary: John has to leave for a few weeks for his first mission out of country. Which should be fine, but an unexpected visit makes it more apparent that his new partner and him have a lot of work to do on themselves.~::~
20 Week - Summary: You're at the end of your rope and things come to a head that end in near tragedy.
22-26 Weeks - Summary: Despite digging your heels in for months, you finally move in with John.
Headcannons
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One Shots
Pretty Pretty Rebellion - You drop your daughter off at Uncle Johnny's while you get groceries. She is the same chaos gremlin as her mother.
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Summary: John has to leave for a few weeks for his first mission out of country. Which should be fine, but an unexpected visit makes it more apparent that his new partner and him have a lot of work to do on themselves.
WARNING: Burglary, ANGST, fluff ending, Soap being a dick.
John had been trying to keep himself from getting assigned missions that were longer than a few days, but it was inevitable that he would be sent out longer. Unfortunately, I was almost four months along when he was being sent to some undisclosed location to do undisclosed things with undisclosed people. Well, I knew his full team aside from Johnny was going. The idiot had recently broken his ankle, so he was on medical leave for a month at least.
“Are you going to be okay on your own?” John asked as he washed the dishes next to me as I dried.
“Yeah. I mean, I’ve gotten along well so far,” I chuckled. “It shouldn’t be a problem. You won’t be gone too long. You said maybe a week or two.”
“I should be. It’s never a guarantee how long I’ll be gone. The day or two work trips are in country and usually are just trips to a base for a presentation. This is more involved,” he said, handing me a bowl.
“I still think that I’ll be fine. Jesse is coming back from the States so he can come stay with me if anything,” I said. Jesse and John had met and I had never seen something so hilarious and intriguing. Jesse had given him a once over then grilled him on things that flustered John.
The amount of times that John fumbled over his words to answer Jesse about what schools he wanted for the Bean, what type of bank accounts he wanted to give the Bean, if he had plans to stay in the country. They were odd and off the wall that made no real sense, but I couldn’t help but laugh when Jesse asked if John had plans on teaching the Bean the true history of England. John was confused, but also trying his best to answer as if it was normal to explain that he’d teach the Bean how to drive a tractor if necessary.
“Oh, well that should be fine,” John said with a snort.
“Don’t be so put off by him,” I chuckled. “I know for some he’s an acquired taste, but he’s a good person and my best friend.”
“As long as you like him and he’s good to you, that’s all that matters, Love,” John said, nudging me with his elbow.
“Back to when you’ll be home, do you want to wait till the birth to find out the sex of the Bean? I know we were waiting, but I’d like to know,” I said. “Mostly because I want to get started on names.”
“When you can start calling the Bean a baby, then we’ll find out,” John said, smirking as he let the water out of the sink.
“John,” I sighed, drying my hands out. “We already talked about that.”
“And you even said that you should start doing it as well,” John said. “The baby is going to happen and the sooner you start calling Bean a baby, then you’ll feel better. I understand the detachment issues-”
“No, no you don’t,” I cut him off. “I. . . I don’t want to be my mum. I don’t want to be her, but I’m scared that if I get too attached then, IF, another baby comes along, I might treat the second baby worse.”
“Love, no,” John said. “You will be a great mum and you will have different relationships with any children we have after this one. Different isn’t bad. You’re also not alone in this. I’m here, so are the boys.”
“Most of them,” I mumbled as he gave me a look. “I know, I know, Johnny needs more time. I’m trying, John. It just sucks that my own brother has to have time to get used to me being around again.”
“It’s not cut and dry,” John said, reaching out to rub my arms. “It’s messy and I’m sorry that it’s like this. Have you thought any more about finding someone to talk to?”
“I don’t have time, John. I finally got my work under control and don’t have morning sickness,” I said before sighing deeply. “I’m doing it again, aren’t I?”
“A bit, but it’s understandable,” he snorted. “You have a lot on your shoulders and you may have lacked the tools before, but you’re getting them now.”
“I am and I need to use them,” I said, nodding before wrapping my arms around him. My bump pressed against his belly gently as we stood there holding one another. “If I need to, I’ll stay at your place. The Absolute last resort is staying with Johnny.”
“I appreciate it. My place is cleaned up and ready for you if you ever need it,” he said.
The week John left for his job, I was having a hard time with separation anxiety. I didn’t even know that I had that. I guess with having someone around so much that it was turning into an actual relationship, I was letting myself get attached in the first place. It hadn’t been like that for a very long time. John tried to ease my anxiety, saying he’d call when he could and urged me to stay at his place if I wanted to. I had held off on staying over there too long because it felt like it was one step from moving in and I was still reluctant to do so. The need for a back up plan in case anything went wrong was strong enough to keep me from accepting too much help from him.
If he suddenly decided to leave or, at the very worst, he died on a mission, I would be on my own and my sanity would not be able to tolerate that.
The first few days I stayed as busy as I could, but still found myself having a hard time sleeping. Not having anyone there as a barrier let my anxiety run rampant and sleep turned into a joke. Still, I kept working. Taking the bus, despite John insisting I use his car, I at least had that come down time between home and work where I could zone out for half an hour. Routine helped keep me on track, especially since my diagnosis of ADHD, i was doing my best to take care of myself and relearning how to do so.
The fourth day that John was gone, I had found a good rhythm of things. The day started normally and ended with a surprise phone call from John on the way home.
Pulling out my phone, I looked at the number before answering. “ ‘lo?”
“Hello, Love,” John said with a chuckle. “I have a few minutes to spare and wanted to call to check in on things.”
“Hey! Yeah, things are good! How are you?” I asked, unable to stop the grin from spreading across my face. It felt so good to hear his low gruffness that nothing else mattered.
“Good. I’m good. How’s work going?” He asked. John had explained he probably wouldn’t be able to talk about anything he was doing, but he still would want to hear from me.
“They’re good. On my way home from work now. Trying to decide what to eat for dinner. I’ve been trying to eat a bit healthier, but the baby wants butter noodles and sausage,” I said with a giggle.
“Well then, if the baby wants it, the baby gets it,” John said with a hum. “Why don’t you try picking out those prepackaged snacks? The ones with the sliced veggies and such. I bet those would help a lot.”
“Oh yeah, I’ll put that on the grocery list,” I said, pulling a pen from my pocket to write it on my hand. “I have a day off tomorrow, so I’m going to go do the shopping then. Anything special you want?”
“Nothing for me, Love,” he said. Which meant he wouldn’t be home for a while. It was disheartening, but it is what it is. “You almost home yet? I know I can’t walk you, but I can stay on the line for a bit till you are.”
“Yeah, just getting to my stop,” I said. The bus pulled over to the stop, letting a few of us off. We went in separate directions, which was normal. “I went to the stop just down the street from us.”
“From us? Have you moved me in without telling me?” He asked.
“I thought about it. What’s stopping me?” I snickered.
“Not a lot, but I know you can’t lift anything bigger than a few books with your condition.”
“Oh shush you. Don’t tempt me to prove you wrong. I’ll put me back out doin’ that,” I huffed. Walking up to the door, I had my keys out and ready to unlock it when I noticed that the door was ajar. Going quiet, I was certain that I had closed and locked the door before I left for the day. That had never been a problem. Still, I had to mentally go through my actions that morning because it didn’t look broken or forced.
“Love, you good?” John asked, pulling me back from my thoughts.
“Yeah. . . Yeah, sorry. The front door is open to my place. I was sure I closed and locked it this morning,” I said, pushing the unharmed door opening with a finger. “I think I just forgot.”
“Don’t go in there,” John said quickly. “Call the police.”
“It’s fine,” I said. “I just forgot.” Stepping into my flat, I stopped in my tracks as my stomach dropped. “I didn’t forget, someone broke in.” The front room was trashed. Things broken or tossed around. Whoever had broken in was looking for something valuable, but I didn’t have any hidden stashes of cash or jewels or anything.
“Leave the house and call the bleedin’ police!” John yelled over the phone. I was about to do so when the bedroom door opened, making me scream and throw the nearest object that happened to be a decorative clock at the person coming out. Hearing John screaming my name as the person who came out of the bedroom screamed as well.
“Johnny! You fucking knob of a cunt!?” I yelled, seeing it was my brother in his walking boot. “What are you doing!?”
“I was drivin’ by and saw the door wide open for anyone and their mum to come in!” He yelled. “I thought you were fuckin’ lying in the floor dead or something!”
“You could have called me! I just got home from work!” I snapped, then remembered that John was on the phone. He was screaming my name over the phone, even Johnny could hear him. “Shit, sorry, Jo,” I said, taking a deep breath.
“What is going on!?” John demanded. I could just see him in my mind, ready to get into a helicopter and fly home from wherever he was.
“Johnny’s here,” I said, rubbing my stomach to sooth myself. “He scared the fuckin’ shite outta me. I’m good, I’m fine. So is the babe.”
“Okay, good. Good. Johnny’s there? Hand him the phone,” he said, breathing heavily. I looked back at my brother as he limped over to me, then handed him the phone. Johnny looked at me confused before taking the phone.
“Soap here,” he said. I couldn’t hear what was being said, but Johnny kept nodding and grunting before handing me the phone back.
“John?” I asked, taking the phone back.
“Pack up a bag and go stay with Johnny till I get back,” he said. I knew that tone. It was the same he used when talking with Gaz about work. I had no choice in this, but I also understood.
“I can go stay at your place, John. It’s-”
“Go stay with your brother. I do not want you alone after this,” John cut me off. “I’m not budging on this, Love. I need you to do this for me. We can talk more when I get home, but for my sanity, please.”
“Alright,” I said with a soft sigh. “I will go stay with Johnny. We’ll clean up a bit then go.”
“Don’t touch anything, Johnny’s calling the cops. Once they’ve cleared it, then pack up and go. I want whoever did this to be caught if possible,” he said.
“I don’t even know if anything is taken, John,” I said, getting irritated. I was getting hungry and tired and my feet were starting to ache, staying longer wasn’t what I wanted to do. “It’s fine.”
“No, this is what is going to happen,” John said firmly. “Johnny’s already calling them. This is not something to sweep up and ignore, Love.”
“So, you know how you point out when I make excuses for things that need to be done? Well, I’m asking you to stop bulldozing me from afar,” I said. “I am tired and I am hungry and the cops will do nothing because they never do. It is a break in with no one hurt so they will take a look around and ask if anything was taken then make minimal effort to do something about it.”
“I know you-”
“No. We’re not going to do this over the phone. Not when you can’t come home tonight so we can talk about it in person,” I said. “Look, I know you are busy with important work and I won’t demand you drop it for me, but I can’t have an argument with you while you are away. So, I’m going to clean up, pack up, and go home with Johnny. When you get home and you still want to discuss this, then we can.”
“Alright,” John said, a soft huff said he was still upset, but I wasn’t having it. “I have to go anyways. Be safe and I’ll call when I can. Love you.”
Oh no.
“Talk to you later. Be safe,” I said before hanging up. Oh shit. Oh fuck. Oh no.
“So, I already called the police and they’ll send someone soon,” Johnny said, as he went to sit on the couch. I had been looking forward to a quiet night in with some pizza. Now I have my estranged brother on my ripped up couch after an argument with my boyfriend and an unreciprocated ‘Love you.’
“I need a drink,” I groaned, wanting to cry.
“I didn’t think you were supposed to drink while pregnant,” Johnny said, giving me a look.
“No shit, you idiot,” I snapped. “Of course I’m not drinking while pregnant, I just really want one because I just had a pile of shite dumped on me and I can’t do anything about it!”
“You don’t have to yell, Jesus,” Johnny grimaced.
“Out. I want you out. I’m not going home with you, I’m not going anywhere with you. I don’t know what John thought by ordering me to stay with you, but it’s not happening,” I said, close to losing it. Pulling out my phone, I dialed Jesse in hopes he could come over and help or I could go to his place.
“Yeah, I’m not telling Price that I let his baby mama walk off after promising I’d keep you safe,” he grunted as he stood up.
“Baby mama?” I snarled, spinning to face him. “I’m your fucking sister and his girlfriend, but you call me your captain’s baby mama? You don’t want anything to do with me anyways, so just go.”
“Happily,” Soap snapped. “You really haven’t changed. Spoiled and entitled.”
“When was I spoiled!? When was I entitled!? Huh!? When!? You fucking know Mum and Dad lied about EVERYTHING they told you and I’m the one that is supposed to give you space and time and I have to give up everything for you! You were the favorite! When you left, it was Saorsia! I have been the ugly duckling since the day I was born and you saw it growing up! You saw how our parents made me miss out on so much stuff because we had to cater to you and our sister! No one came to my graduation, my plays, my school art shows! I was that sad girl that had to accept pity compliments because the kids and teachers knew I would have no one!”
He was quiet as I lost it. Sobbing and yelling and unloading years of repressed jealousy and anger and resentment.
“But once you left for the military, Saorsia was the one they loved. Not me! When I realized they didn’t care or even love me for the fact that I was their kid, I stopped trying to please them. I stopped caring about them. It didn’t even hurt that they blamed our sister’s death on me. What did was that you believed them. That you heard them and didn’t ask me about it. I had no one but our cousin Mike on my side for so long and he did what he could. Without him I would have probably jumped into the fucking ocean long ago. Then,THEN! Everyone is concerned about you! They care about how you’re doing with me back in the picture! John said to go easy on you because it’s an adjustment for you! FOR YOU! Not for me! Not the person who had been shunned and abused and forced to be the scapegoat for everything! I’m pregnant with his baby and he was worried about you!
So, Johnny, fucking tell me how spoiled and entitled I am. Go on?” I said, tears blurring my vision as I was sobbing and nearly sick from yelling so hard.
He was quiet, shifting his body a bit as he kept opening his mouth to say something, but no words came.
“Uh. . . . Everyone alright?” Looking to the front door, a police man stepped in. “There was a call about a burglary, but it looks to be something else.”
“It’s fine. He’s just a guy I know who called it in,” I said, my voice hoarse and cracking. “Uh, I came home and found it like this. Do what you have to, I guess.”
“You sure, ma’am?” The officer asked as he looked at me with concern. I started to rub my bump out of frustration, just ready to kick everyone out and cry.
“I’m sure,” I said, taking deep breaths as I felt my stomach start to hurt from stress and hunger.
“Uh, I’ll get out of your hair,” Johnny said, ducking his head as he walked out the door. The officer looked to me, waiting for me to say something like ‘Now that he’s gone, please save me.’ I didn’t. I let him do his job as I messaged Jesse to come get me. By the time Jesse arrived, I was much calmer, but my eyes were swollen so badly, almost completely shut from how hard I had been crying.
“Oh, puddin’,” he cooed as he came to sit next to me on my destroyed couch. “Come on, let’s get you to a less chaotic home and get some ice for your poor face.” He helped me pack a bag and put in a new lock for my door. “I’ll clean this up tomorrow. Don’t worry about it.” I had just about lost my voice as well, so all I could do was nod and follow. At his place, I went right to the bedroom and flopped down. The evening was spent with Jesse giving me ice and warm tea as he put on Hollyoaks reruns and we laid in bed cuddling. While Jesse was gay, he didn’t care who was in his bed, they would be cuddled. I definitely needed it.
He helped me call into work for the rest of the week after I explained via phone notes app what had gone down, considering my house had been broken into and I was going to the clinic to get looked at as my eyes were still swollen and I felt like pure garbage.
“Does this mean I get to be the baby’s father now?” Jesse asked as we finished with the doctor’s office and were going back to his place.
“Yes,” I squeaked, my voice still not that great. “I am either going to break up with John or he’s going to leave me after this.”
“Do you want to break up with him?” He asked, leading me to the kitchen to make me some more tea as that was the only thing my throat would allow me to drink.
“I don’t want to,” I said with a sigh as I sat at his table. “I want to be with him, but I can’t have him ordering me around like that. I’m not one of his soldiers.”
“Maybe you should bring it up with him,” Jesse said. “When does he get back?”
“That’s part of the problem. I don’t know when he’ll be back,” I said, taking out the medicated cream to put on my eyes. It was a localized steroid so it was fine to use and wouldn’t affect the baby. One less thing to worry about. “Also he told me he loved me yesterday before we ended the call.”
“Oh shit, really?” Jesse said, pausing. “Did you say it back? Do you love him?”
“I didn’t say it back and I don’t know if I love him or not,” I said. “I’m just a mess right now. So much so that I don’t even know if I love myself.”
“I’m sorry, Boo,” he cooed, putting the kettle on before coming over to give me a hug. “You’ve got a lot going on. Have you thought about seeing a therapist?”
“I have actually. John wants me to so I can deal with my family’s bullshit,” I said, resting my head against him.
“Maybe you two should see a couple’s therapist, that way everyone gets some help.”
“Doubtful,” I sighed. “Pretty sure John thinks he’s the sane one in this relationship and doesn’t need help.”
“He’s a career military man, he definitely needs therapy,” Jesse snorted. “Besides, he probably needs help learning to communicate with you so you understand. You’ve only known each other for a few months now.”
“Except he understands my brother just fine,” I said. “He knows Johnny and it’s been a few years for him, but apparently he knows Johnny so he knows me.”
“John doesn’t know you because he knows your brother,” Jesse said. “You are not your brother. Just because you share DNA does not make you the same person and that’s where he’s going wrong. You are not his soldier and you’re not in the military, so working with you will be different. It sounds like he needs to be told that. I know it sounds like he should just understand, but John’s always around soldiers. It’s probably easy to forget how us civilians work.”
“You’re probably right,” I said with a nod. “I’m just. . . I’m tired, Jess. I know relationships take work and it’s not always sunshine and roses, but I’m tired of having to make sure people respect me. It probably sounds selfish and childish, but I just want a partner who doesn’t feel the need to run me over and control everything.”
“That doesn’t sound selfish or childish,” Jesse said, sitting down. “You’ve had that with every relationship, including your family. Speaking of, how do you feel now that you’ve unloaded onto Johnny?”
“Honestly? At first it felt good. Like I just verbally vomited a sickness out of me, but now I’m depressed because he didn’t say anything. He just looked shocked that I said all that and then left. I don’t know what I was hoping for.”
“You were hoping he would support you like you’ve wanted to for a very long time,” Jesse said. “It sounds like you may never have that support, even though you want it so badly. It makes you feel more alone, but you also won’t be waiting for something that will never come.”
“Why did it take me getting pregnant for all this to happen?” I asked with a sniffle. I didn’t need to be crying, but I just felt so despondent. My relationships were crumbling and once more I felt like I was backed into a corner with only Jesse there.
“Because the universe is a bitch,” he snorted. I could at least give a chuckle at that.
~::~::~::~Somewhere in Turkey~::~::~::~
John ended the call with you with a bad taste in his mouth. He felt stupid for saying ‘Love you’ to a person he’d known for only a few months to have it not returned. The roller coaster of emotions from the call had his head swimming as he went back inside. Why did you have to fight with him and push him away when he was working so hard to be what you needed? John would take care of everything if he could. You wouldn’t have to work or worry about anything if you’d let him in.
Sighing heavily, he went to his temporary office only to find Laswell getting into his scotch.
“Sorry, long day,” she said, pouring herself a hefty glass. Seeing his face, the pinched frown that seemed to make a permanent home on his brow on that mission, she poured a second glass. “I’m guessing you need this too.” John snorted and nodded. “I’m guessing the call home didn’t go well?”
“Her place was burgled when she got home,” he said. “Nearly gave me a fucking heart attack when she screamed only for it to be that fucking muppet of a brother of hers.”
“So everything’s good then?”
“It’s a fucking mess and I made it worse,” he sighed, taking the glass from Kate before having a seat next to her. “I told her to go stay with Johnny and call the cops, but she argued, like always. Said they wouldn’t be of any use and didn’t want to deal with her brother.”
“She’s right,” Kate said. “Cops won’t do anything unless she’s high priority or something big was stolen. No one was hurt, right?”
“No, she’s fine. Got home afterwards to find Johnny checking on things. I talked to him and told him to pack her bag if he had to and she’d be staying with him till I got back. When I told her what was happening, she dug her heels in and didn’t want to. Ended up having to put a pin in the mounting fight and before we hung up, I told her I loved her,” John said, looking at the glass in his hand. The amber liquid wobbled a bit as he turned it this way and that like it was a crystal ball. If he stared hard enough he could see the future and make things work.
“She didn’t say it back, did she?” Kate asked. John looked up at her to shake his head. “You’d be happier if she had though.”
“I don’t know,” he said. “I do love her and not just because she’s carrying my child. She’s different, Laswell. Not like in movies where she’s a shining vision under heaven’s light, but she’s just different. It drives me mad that she won’t let me help her with things she obviously needs help with and it makes it worse when she doesn’t even ask or acknowledge she does need help.”
“Maybe she doesn’t need or want a white knight riding in to fix things for her,” Kate said. “I mean, on paper and every romance novel I’ve read, you’d be the perfect guy. You ride into town and solve all her problems, end of story with some nice sex on the side. Sounds like the perfect story to the perfect couple. Except neither of you are perfect. In fact, I bet from her point of view, you’re almost over bearing. Sure, you’ve got good intentions and just want to help, but she’s her own person. She’s not someone for you to fix like your second hand projects that I know are mounting up in your garage.”
John wanted to argue that he wasn’t in the wrong, that you were just being difficult to be difficult, but Kate was right. He knew your history and knew your relationship with your family. You had to be self-sufficient.
“You have a good heart, John. But give the woman some agency. I mean, you tried to order her to stay with her estranged brother, who by everything I’ve heard, doesn’t like her and she doesn’t like him. It’s not your job to make her life perfect,” Kate said, reaching out to give his arm a squeeze.
“Then what is my job?” John asked. He was a provider, someone to take care of everything so that his team was always prepared. Hell, he made sure they were taken care of off duty as well. It was hard to hold back on those instincts to just care for someone, especially the mother of his child.
“To be her partner. Not her leader or captain, but partner. You’re both on the same level here and need to work together. Which means compromise and listening when she says she doesn’t want to do something, even if it’s in her best interest to do that thing. Support her and she’ll support you,” Kate said, taking a sip of her drink.
“How’d you get so smart on relationships?” John asked with a snort.
“Truthfully, my wife and I hit a bad patch about five years ago. We even separated for a few months before we went to relationship counseling and couples therapy,” Kate said. “I would recommend both of you going as well. Paula and I still do once a month or so, just to make sure we have more tools to work with. We love one another, but love isn’t enough to make things work.”
John was always glad to have Kate as a friend, but other times, like that moment, he was relieved she had taunted him at that bar in Liverpool about ‘soccer.’
~::~::~::~::~
It was nearly two weeks since John had left and we had talked a few more times since the day I had a meltdown at my brother. Things were cordial and he kept saying ‘I love you.’ at the end of each call, but I never did. He didn’t ask if I felt the same way or push for an answer, he would just say it like he was signing a letter before hanging up. Johnny was radio silent as well. I hadn’t seen him or heard from him and I was wrestling with how to be okay with that. Jesse moved in a bit, helping me replace things that needed to be as well giving me a break from my stress to talk about his life. He owned a local car shop that he worked at part of the week, which gave him freedom to help my sorry ass. Jesse would say it was just payback for me housing him for three months when he first moved here to be with his now ex, Timur.
Sometimes I needed to forget about myself and dive into the wide world of Jesse. He had met Timur through my cousin Mike after Jesse came to visit after being friends with me over the internet for years. Timur was part of the Spetznats unit that was stationed in Hereford that worked with other military operators as well. While the romance didn’t last, they were still good friends. Jesse had fallen in love with the country and decided to stay, so I helped him get his citizenship.
It was on a trip to visit his friends in D.C. that he met his long distance boyfriend, Vlad. Excuse me, boyfriends. Vlad AND Nathan. Vlad was a Ukrainian citizen who owned several night clubs in the area and Nathan did something with banks. Jesse was always vague about it, but I always forgot as he told stories of their dirty rendezvous’ and secret meetings. Apparently Jesse and the men had a penchant for office kinks. While I wasn’t exactly the most knowledgeable, I could appreciate his triumphs.
I was officially 20 weeks along when John came home. I was getting ready to go to a check up when there was a knock at the door. In the span of two weeks, my hips had started to spread and hurt like hell, meaning I waddled more than walked. The baby bump grew a few inches as well, making me fear how big this child would be when I gave birth. Getting to the door, I opened it to find John standing there with a bouquet of tulips and an armload of other items that were just stacked on one another with another language on them.
“Hi,” he said. “Uh, is this a bad time?”
“Not really,” I said, confused and caught off guard. “I’m about to go to a doctor’s appointment, if you want to come.” His face lit up as I stepped aside to let him in. “Just let me get a vase for the flowers real quick.”
“Okay.” It was awkward, having him home again after everything, because we suddenly didn’t know how to act around one another. Once I found a vase, a new one that Jesse had bought for me when we were getting replacement items, I filled it with water before placing the flowers in it. “There’s some food in these boxes, but nothing to worry about keeping out of the fridge,” he said, setting the rest of the items on the kitchen counter.
“Okay, sounds good. We better go if we want to get there on time,” I said, moving to grab my purse and jacket.
“I can drive us, if you want,” he said. I paused, turning to look at him. Had he just offered to drive us instead of telling me he was driving us? “We don’t have to,” he quickly added when I continued to stare at him.
“No, you can drive us,” I said, narrowing my eyes at him as he shifted under my gaze.
“What?” He asked.
“Are you sure you’re John Price?” I asked. “Last I checked, you didn’t really ask me about anything.”
“Jesus,” John groaned, rolling his eyes as he relaxed. “Just go get in the jeep.”
“That’s the John I know and love,” I giggled. Seeing his cheeks get a bit rosy as he straightened his posture, I stepped out to go to his jeep that was parked just outside my place. The tension was cut and things began to relax into our usual selves. I asked him how work was, he gave vague answers then asked how I was doing, I complained about the bodily changes of pregnancy in graphic detail and laughed at his embarrassed/grossed out reactions.
Once at the doctor’s office, we checked in then were seen. An ultrasound was done as usual, which meant we got to stare with tearful smiles at how our baby was doing.
“Do you want to know the sex of the baby?” The nurse asked as she snapped pictures for us to have.
“What do you want, Love?” John asked me. Last we had spoken, he wanted to wait till I could call the baby a baby because it meant I was over whatever trauma I held onto and I had wanted to know regardless, but now he was asking me? I swallowed a lump in my throat as I took his hand to give a kiss.
“We want to know,” I said, turning back to the nurse with a smile.
“Alright,” she said, showing us the screen. “There is your perfectly healthy, baby girl.”
John tightened his grip on my hand as we both let out a teary laugh as we looked at one another.
“We’re having a little girl,” he said, sniffling as he leaned down to give me a kiss.
“We’re having a little girl,” I cried, smiling before I kissed him back. For that brief moment, everything was perfect and as it should be. We took our pictures home, ready to share with our friends the good news. But when we got home, there were some unfortunate familiar faces waiting for us.
Once we were parked, I frowned as I stepped out of the jeep.
“Mum? Dad?” I said, eyes going wide. Oh fucking hell.
