#macheads

We miss you, we love you and today marked 2 years since you left. September 7th will always be a day of remembrance in honor of you Mac. It kills me that I never seen you live but I am greatful for your music.

Have you ever felt like your thoughts were taking up too much space in your head? To the point where you can’t even complete a thought because there is a whirlwind of a mess inside your mind? I’ve felt that way since Malcolm’s passing.

I used to write, a lot. It helped me cope with stress, but also intensified my happiness. At some points, it was helpful to others to know that what they are feeling is not abnormal, or weird, or different. But after Malcolm’s passing, my mind shut down. For the first time in my life, I truly understood the meaning of anxiety and being overwhelmed even by the simplest tasks. A task as simple as completing a thought. I felt like I was drowning and I felt this way for a very long time.

It’s difficult to be depressed when you are so self aware. All of my life, I have been an advocate of creating your own reality and your thoughts becoming things. I believe that if you want something bad enough, and you put in the time, effort, and work - you could do anything. Having faith, believing in a higher power, being one with the universe, whatever you want to call it - it’s real. That’s why being in such a deep depression, for me, was so hard. I was very aware that if I had changed my thought process, if I had changed my daily routine, that I would change my state of mind. However, my body and mind felt numb. I’ve referred to it as being in a coma. You can hear people talking to you, you know that they are there, but you can’t physically do anything about. I knew the right steps to take to pull myself out of this space, but I could not physically do it at the time. It took me awhile, but day by day I started to heal. I’ve learned that grief is not a straightforward path. There are good days and bad. You could be having an excellent day and then a memory punches you right in the gut and knocks the wind right out of you. I’m learning to just accept it. All you can do is accept the good and the bad and everything in between. Malcolm taught me that feeling every emotion is important and to embrace them all equally. This chapter of life without him here has been all about growth. Growing out of a depression, growing to cope with emotions, growing to appreciate everything and everyone in my life because you never know when it will all be gone.

I have a note written in my phone from my second trip to Pittsburgh. I wanted to write about it, but again, mind numbing experiences made me incapable. I couldn’t form sentences about what Pittsburgh meant to me, so I wrote words. The note says, “Awakening. Spiritual. Peaceful. Self aware. Understanding. In touch with your soul.” Pittsburgh was beautiful and the energy I felt was so real, so raw, so intense. It was so beautiful, yet so emotional. It’s similar to ripping open a healing wound just to watch it heal again, and I was okay with that. I was okay with that because it meant I already healed, or at least was in the process. The difference between a new wound healing and a reopened wound healing is that you know how to heal, you know it WILL heal, and you have braced yourself for the steps that follow. Like I said, it’s very weird to be in a very good head space, but also in a dark place.

Visiting Pittsburgh was one of the greatest things I’ve ever done. I grew up seeing the city in Malcolm’s videos, hearing him speak so highly about it, and hearing that it’s a great city for ten years. Great is an understatement. I love Pittsburgh with my whole heart and soul. But walking those streets, all I heard was Malcolm’s voice in my head. I pictured him at all of the places I passed by. I used to tell him that the first time I would visit Pittsburgh, I wanted him to show me around and hook me up with all the good spots. Some places were an obvious go-to such as Blue Slide Park, Primanti’s, Jerry’s Record Store, Allderdice, and Frick Park Market. I got to share stories with Maggie and John, the owners of Frick Park Market. They told me stories about Malcolm from when he was about 15 years old up until he passed. They told me the story about him shooting the video in their store. I was able to tell them how I became a fan and how, eventually, Malcolm and I got to know each other. They told me that every fan they have met resembled Malcolm because they are all so nice, kind, and respectful. Although I am biased, I have to agree. My heart is so full of love for the macheads. A lot of us met when we were preteens and watched each other grow, graduate, start families, start jobs, move out of state, etc. Some people we have met recently but felt like we’ve known forever. The most important thing, though, is that we created these relationships with people all over the world that are genuinely concerned about our mental health, about our lives, about us. We bonded over Malcolm, but it became so much more. We have people in our lives that actually care, and that is amazing.

It’s such a beautiful thing that everyone has their own experiences with Malcolm, however, everyone shares the same opinion. He is the nicest, kindest, sweetest soul who has a heart of gold. I remember him saying that if he met someone just a couple of times, he felt as if they were best friends. That was the exact energy Malcolm sent out. He and I were able to have some really good conversations and got to see each other a handful of times - but every interaction was important and meaningful. He took the time to ask questions, to go out of his way, to make you feel important. There will never be anyone in this world to compare to him and I am so blessed, so thankful, and so happy that I got to witness his career from the beginning and be alive at the same time as him.

Thinking back on 10 years worth of memories with Malcolm, Most Dope, and the macheads make me so happy and so nostalgic, but’s heartbreaking knowing that we can never have those times back. My emotions fluctuate constantly, but right now, in this moment, I am happy. This new album makes me happy and gives me some sense of closure. It’s helping me grow. I keep it on repeat and I haven’t heard anything else since Friday. There’s so many layers to this record and I learn something new each time I play it. I wanted to share my top three favorite tracks, but in all honesty, it changes every day and it’s so hard to pick just three. Malcolm was headed in such a beautiful direction musically, professionally, and personally. He was making the music he always wanted to make. He was finding himself as a person, and, more importantly, loving who that person was. My heart hurts not being able to see what was next. I always imagined all of us being in our fifties and sixties, going to Malcolm’s jazz concerts, and talking about all the memories we shared. But life had different plans, I guess. One thing I know for sure is that even though he is not physically here, we will all keep his legacy alive and never let his name go unheard. It’s our responsibility to share our stories about him, share his music, and to simply be as kind and generous and loving as he was. There will never be another Mac Miller.

Those pictures are still hanging in my bedroom. 3 years ago was the last time I had the chance to see my idol live.

There was this energy during his live shows, and he’s probably the only person that could make me feel those chills at every performance.

I spent 8 years listening to his music, he was an inspiration to many. And even if I didn’t know him personally. I discovered so much through his art (so many other people, artists, places (even in my own city). He brought people together.

I met people who loved him and his universe as much as I do and bonded with them.

His songs made me feel safe.

His death is a huge lost and I’ve been seeing sooo many people talk about how much they loved him on twitter and I’m so happy about it because that’s all it was about with him.

No one was ready to lose him yet, just like him I was looking forward to see him on the swimming tour. It would’ve been my 3rd time seeing him and I feel robbed of this time.

I lost so many people I loved the past couple year and it hurt, the curse keeps happening.

When I see how sadden the fans are from this terrible news I can’t imagine how the people who personally knew him felt. I’m praying for his family and friend’s (seeing all of Peanut’s videos of him being happy and smiling on twitter reminds me of how good of a human being he was and it makes me cry every time, and I’m hoping Jimmy’s safe after he deleted his ig, I just read Nomi’s article about the closure she had and I’m happy about it)

Each one of his songs and albums had a meaning for me and i had habits with them : i listened to macadelic whenever I took the plane, to KIDS whenever I felt nostalgic about something, when I need to fall asleep I somehow always found my self listening to either faces or BDE. When swimming came out I instantly loved it.

Now, I can’t listen to his songs without feeling this knot in my throat and I’m sure it’s going to be like that for a while.

I never thought I’d be one of those people who actually felt pain when a “celebrity” died, but he was more than that, I guess he was a friend, I loved him and I’m hurt.

All the pictures and memories I have will never go away. I grew up thanks to him, he was a part of my teenage years and helped my thrive to adulthood.

Such a beautiful soul.

Rest In Paradise...

Be safe homie, in this life or the next life.. 💔