competing with perfection
info: seungkwan/reader, angst, pg word ct: 500 | warnings: suggestive moments summary: you always wanted to be perfect, because perfection is what seungkwan loved.
He could remember it vividly, what perfection felt like to him. To Seungkwan, perfection was holding her in his arms, brushing back her hair, and falling asleep feeling her heartbeat against his chest. But, she was gone. Instead, there you are. Imperfection. You’re occupying the spot that once belonged to someone else. Someone far more important. Someone you can’t ever replace.
You didn’t want to regret it, and neither did he, but you did. Every part of you screamed at you to run. To gather up your dignity and leave your mistake behind. He was your best friend, the person you trusted most. The person you loved most. The person you knew you couldn’t have. And, in a time of weakness, you fell into his arms. Arms that you’ve wanted around you for as long as you can remember.
He knew it too.
Seungkwan knew how much you loved him. You confessed to him years ago and accepted that he was madly in love with someone else. That he’d never love you. You came to terms with it. You really did. But—how could you turn him away? Tears streaking his face, his clothes soaked from standing out in the rain, you couldn’t close the door. Especially when he begged you to stay.
“Please, I don’t want to be alone.”
So you comforted him. You comforted him with words, kisses, and regret. He held you in his arms, whispering a name that wasn’t yours. Desperately you clutched at his back just so he wouldn’t see how much it hurt. How imperfect you were to him. How much it pained you to know that the only person he wanted in his arms, was perfect.
“I—I’m sorry.”
You couldn’t count how many times he muttered those words to you. Even as he branded you in a way few had before, all he could say was that he was sorry. There was perhaps no worse feeling in the world, being so madly in love with another when all they felt towards you was guilt. Wanting to feel like you were soaring above the clouds, not being weighed down knowing that you were making a grave mistake. That you were the mistake.
Looking at him, his arm thrown across his eyes in shame, you had to tell yourself again and again not to cry. He was in enough pain, he was already burdened by you, you didn’t need to make it worse. Slowly, you left his side, putting your feet on the ground and pulling your clothes back on. Just as easily as he walked through your door the previous night, you’d walk back out of it.
“I’m going to run errands.” You said quietly. “Lock up when you leave.”
He didn’t stir, he didn’t even look at you. The thought alone made your stomach sink. You simply stepped out into the hallway, closing the door behind you and slowly sinking to the ground. While you tried to be quiet, you tried to keep everything you felt bottled up inside, you couldn’t stop the sobs that wracked your body. You couldn’t stop thinking about how the man you loved most used you to forget about his own pain.
And you let him.
