#m:rory

I've put off writing about this because I...It's too hard to even think about, let alone talk about or write down. But I have to.

I gave Christian up. I can't believe I did it, but....I cared about him. I still do and I know that he loved me. He never said it, but I know that he did. But that was the problem I think because I couldn't love him back. At least, not the way he wanted. I feel...like I failed him. I was his first and only Master and I promised to take care of him and train him and I...failed.

I think I was too blinded by his perfection. Or, what I thought was perfection. But he was far from that in reality and I think that we were both disappointed when that came to light, disillusioned a bit even. Caretaker was certainly pleased when I gave him up, but then again he never approved of the claim in the first place. But, Father was kind enough to grant my request to return Christian to Kimelea rather than the cells. I know he'd go crazy just sitting in the cells all day without a purpose or someone to serve so I honestly feel he'll be better off there.

I don't know. I gave up my claim. It happened. The end. I'll probably say more in the future, but for now....It's all I've got. It's hard, but I'll get over it. Besides, I don't really have a choice. I'm a Master and I have responsibilities. There are plenty of other slaves that need to be taken care of. And at least now...Now I can claim Nick. But talking about that in the same entry feels as if it's why I gave Christian up and that's not the case at all.

It seems Sebastian gave Pup up as well. I'd sort have been expecting it and I can't say that I'm unhappy. I knew from the beginning that it would end like this. Actually, I think I said this was the exact reason that I banned them from being together again when Pup returned. It's why all former Master/slave pairings should be kept apart. The claims ended for a reason. Why does no one ever listen to me? If they had, all of this could have been avoided. I mean, I know I've made mistakes in the past and been wrong, but...I'm trying to grow. I know I can be the man that the men in my life deserve.

But that's besides the point here. I'm glad that the claim has been dissolved. They took Pup away again and...I don't think he'll be coming back this time. And I think that's for the best. I don't like that Sebastian was hurt by all of this and I wish I could have protected him. It was what I was trying to do...But I think he's like me in that he knows he did the right thing. It's just going to take a bit for him to move on.

I think I judged this place too soon. When I first got here, it was terrible and I was terrified but then everyone promised me that things would be okay if I was good. And like, it worked but...I dunno.

After Master Andrew brought me back, I spent the night in the cells and then Master Sebastian rented me. And it was just...I had so much fun! Xbox and the beach and dancing! Pup is pretty cool too. I mean, he can be kind of a downer sometimes, but he's still a really nice guy and I hope I can count him as a friend. Sebastian though...I like him. I really like him. He's crazy hot and sweet and sexy and nice and just so much more. Sex with him was a lot different than with Andrew. Sleeping in his bed with him was amazing and it felt so good to be able to sleep unchained for once. I haven't even been here that long, but I'm already having trouble remembering what if feels like to not be chained to something...

I really didn't wanna come back down here and Sebastian said that he didn't want me to either. He came down to see me the morning after he returned me and brought me a pillow from his bed. It smelled like him and I...Well, I haven't been sleeping much down here because when I do, I move and pull too much against the chains and my wrists start to bleed again. I tried to talk to the guards about it, but they just laughed at me. Told me they didn't care and it didn't matter. They said that they weren't going to unchain me no matter what and it seems like they get meaner when I complain about it, so, I've kinda given up already. 

Andrew was gone for a while but as soon as he came back, he rented me and Kenna together! I was so, so happy! Kenna is probably like my best friend and Andrew is just...so awesome. I have to say though that it was kinda funny when I confused Kenna. Apparently she thought I was gay so my hitting on her really threw her off. It's okay though. Most people think that so I'm sorta used to it. I'm just really glad that Master Andrew seemed to know, like he didn't even ask me. Just said that Kenna and I were allowed to fool around if we wanted so long as she said yes to me. Of course, she did and of course the sex was so, so good. Best best friend sex ever. 

The event was kinda...scary. Like, it wasn't so much the being on stage because I'm a performer. I'm used to people watching me. But not watching me have sex. I've only ever done that backstage or on the main stage when no one was there and then it was only a few times. But Andrew really helped me. Instead of getting mad, he worked out a way to make me feel better about it. And like, not to brag or anything, but we were totally the best threesome.

But then we had to come back to the cells and I guess I wasn't as sad to go since I knew that I was coming back with Kenna and she'd be in her cell next to me so I wouldn't be alone. And then the next morning...she got claimed. She got claimed by the same guy that she said wasn't nice and hurts her and he was the one that sent her to the infirmary! She kicked and screamed and fought, but it didn't matter. They took her anyways. Now she's gone and I haven't even heard from her. I can't help but worry now. It's so quiet with her cell empty next to mine and I...I just hope she's okay...

Of course, it wasn't the only thing bad about coming back to the cells. When Andrew rented me, I tried to bring the pillow Sebastian gave me, but they said I couldn't, that it had to stay. And when I came back...So they can't take it from me or destroy it Sebastian said because a Master gave it to me. But that didn't stop them. They pissed all over my pillow and rubbed it in the dirt and I-I don't even wanna know what else. All I know is that it's dirty and ruined now. It doesn't even smell like him anymore...I know I shouldn't be upset, I mean, it's just a pillow, but like, it's more than that. We don't get to have anything down here that's ours and Sebastian gave me that, he wanted me to have it and it was so nice and sweet and it was kinda the only thing that made me happy. And now it's ruined.

I know I've not written for a while and I think I've finally figured out why. I don't write often because it takes a while to process things and I don't like putting pen to paper until I'm sure it's something I want written down, something I'm sure of and want or need to remember. Or when I just have no one to talk to. Like now.

Andrew is gone. He's been gone for a week or so. Maybe longer, maybe less. I'm not even really sure. It gets harder and harder to remember because...I know I don't even see him every day when he is here, but there's just something about knowing that he's gone, that if I need him or he needs me, it's not just a trip down the hall. And I hate it, but I can't stop thinking about the times he's left me before. When he went away to school, when he decided to travel the world instead of come home to me...Even a few months ago when he disappeared and came back claiming to have been at home with his mother. I know he loves me and I know he won't leave me. Not again...Right?

I tried to turn to Blaine. I know he's not Andrew, nor a replacement for him, but it's probably as close as I'm going to find. But even that seemed to not work out for more than one reason. The first being that slut has apparently returned to the island. Of course the boy is claiming that he's someone else and was never here or whatever, but I get the feeling it's just a lot of denial. Either way, I never cared for the slave before and I care even less for him now. He's always had a sharp tongue and no respect, even as my father's pet and I honestly have no desire to revisit that. And Blaine has asked me to 'go easy on him'. At first I blew it off as Blaine just trying to tell me to keep my head on straight, but now...Now I'm realizing I was wrong. Blaine always rented or tried to rent slut when he was here before, they were always talking and Blaine was the only one on the island that slut would not smart off to. And then when the boy magically disappeared, Blaine begged me to find out what had happened. I'm not stupid and I know there's more there than Blaine wants anyone to know, just like with Kitten...My best friend is lying to my face.

Of course it wasn't just slut's abrupt reappearance, but apparently, all Blaine can do other than talk about the blonde is gush about mine and Sebastian's wedding. Oh. Um. I probably should have mentioned that. First of all, he and I are not getting married. Yet. Well, maybe not ever if he doesn't say yes...I've been thinking about proposing to him for a bit now. I know he's not ready to be married and I honestly don't think I am either. Not right now anyways. But that sort of works out because I know there's no way in hell Caretaker would ever allow it. And I don't even want to think about how Andrew will react. If he's even comes back. But I do love him and I do want to marry him and I want him to know that. I want something more than just hook-ups and 'I love you's, more than just flowers and dinner and cuddling on the couch while watching movies. He means more than that to me and I want him to know it. Proposing would be...a promise. To show him that I am his and I am going to marry him. Whenever we're both ready.

Of course, lately, I'm not even sure it's what he wants at all. Before I was fairly confident in the fact. But then he claimed Pup. And then I didn't tell him about Blaine. But, in my defense, it was sort of his fault. He was so fucking locked away with that st--no. He was busy with his claim as any other Master would have been. But because of that, I wasn't able to talk to him. Really, the whole thing was pretty stupid, but he and I worked it out. I think. And I let it slip that I am going to propose. I'm honestly not sure how well he took it, but since then, he's been acting...differently.

Sebastian has made plans to hook up with Blaine and Blaine's said that he's open to more. And that's good. I want that. But...Right now, it really feels like Sebastian wants to replace me, not supplement. He rented that new boy, Jeff or whatever his name is and just like Andrew, he locked himself away with the blonde. He didn't even want to see me and now he's jumped on to the next rental with Rachel. I'm not even sure if it's me he's trying to avoid. Or Pup.

Speaking of Pup...I borrowed him from Sebastian, fully intent on reminding him of what I'd told him to do and...correcting where he'd failed. But it didn't go that way. For some reason, I just couldn't do it. I can tell he's trying, just like Angel, but for some reason, it just isn't working. I honestly think it's not so much his lack of effort as it is Sebastian's lack of interest. I love Bastian with everything I am, but I know he has limitations. It's why I tried to warn him off claiming Pup again. Maybe before he could handle the boy's issues and shortcomings and he could put in the work, but now? It just seems as if there's too much there. I know Sebastian shuts down and runs when things get tough and that's fine for me because I can be the strong one, but Pup...I feel bad for him, really I do, but the fact of the matter is that Sebastian pays to be here, to get what he wants. And he wants the fun, fluffy, kinky sex. I just can't see Pup ever being able to give that to him...I want to help, I've tried to help, but there's only so much I can do. Sebastian is going to have to face facts sooner or later and deal with it on his own.

Things have been...off with Christian lately. Ever since he's returned from the infirmary--actually since the accident period--things don't feel the same. I don't feel like he's happy with me anymore. I know he's trying, I can see that he's doing his best, but it just...Before he never had to try to be happy, to enjoy being mine, he just was. But now, I can see it, I can see he wants something that I'm not giving him. Which is really difficult because I give him everything that I can. Everything but my love and I can't give him that. I can't because Masters can't love slaves and I've been stupid in the past to think I could have feelings for him and get away with it. My loving him will only bring disaster for both of us and I care about him too much for that.