Life on Mars
It was a God awful small affair to the girl with the mousy hair. The fact that it was small did not make up for how awful it was; in fact, it made it more difficult for her to hide. Her sense of isolation was palpable. Maybe that’s why everyone seemed to avoid her. They weren’t a nasty group of people or anything, but no one could make themselves do the polite thing and truly attempt to include her.
She didn’t want anyone to talk to her anyway. Her father had forced her to go to this stupid party. He wanted her to fully experience university life whether she wanted it or not.
“I made all of my best connections at university, sweetheart!” he said brightly. “You know that’s where I met Uncle Simon. We met at one of these student and faculty mixer parties.”
Like she hadn’t heard all about it before. She might as well just put on her interested face since he would tell it anyway.
“It was the first party where I felt like I belonged; I was really part of the place. A couple of the guys and I went together, but they were already getting on my nerves. They were still the idiots I’d met first year and I couldn’t seem to shake them.”
Was this story getting longer and more pointless, she wondered.
“Well, I didn’t stay with them long because there was this guy in the centre of everything. It was like he was doing a comedy routine or something. You know how funny Simon is,” he said to his daughter who seemed particularly interested in his story. Maybe he was getting through to her.
She smiled in her dad’s direction and thought about her father’s funny friend, Uncle Simon.
“Imagine an undergrad holding practically the whole room in the palm of his hand. There were grad students and full professors there, but they were all laughing. I didn’t really meet him until after the party when we were on our way home and we were both taking a leak on the Masonic lodge. God, it must have been about 4 in the morning. Notice that I’m leaving out the more interesting middle portion of the evening?” he looked at his daughter with that silly grin and raised eyebrows.
She laughed because he had his silly grin and raised eyebrows that meant he was being funny.
“There’s something about pissing while also making a political statement that really brings you together. You don’t want to miss out on opportunities like that, do you?”
“I can’t pee standing up,” she said dryly.
“Ha, ha. You know what I mean! You might meet your best friend tonight…or maybe some nice guy.”
She shot him a warning glare.
“Not that I’m pushing that sort of thing. But you’re brilliant, beautiful, and very fun when you let that barrier down a bit,” he said with love.
She got up and kissed him on the cheek.
“Thanks, Daddy. Not everyone has your great taste though.” She said this as she walked out of the kitchen.
So that’s how she found herself here. She hadn’t wanted to, but her daddy had told her to go, so she went. He was so good to her; she couldn’t disappoint him again. He saw something in her that she just didn’t have the energy to allow others to see.
She forced herself to through the door. People she recognized from classes said hello as she walked by with her head bent just enough to let her hair cover most of her face. She did look at them and respond. She wasn’t a freak. She just didn’t fit in easily.
Nothing was easy for her except school, as long as she didn’t have to talk.
“She’s so bright,” her teachers would say. “It would be nice if she shared with the class more during discussions.” Thirteen years of the same comment on report cards and during parents’ nights. They really needed to expand their bank of comments if that’s really all they had to say about her.
University was more anonymous. There were so many students, she could observe without comment. She could do online quizzes to make up for her lack of participation in seminars and she handed everything in online too. No embarrassing handing over the paper copy that would have forced interaction.
Her introversion was a sore point with her parents. They were both so caught up in their business, clients, parties, chatting, mingling, networking; their quiet child was a mystery to them. Her mother found it more annoying than her father and felt she just needed to make more of an effort.
“You talk to her then,” she’d heard her mother say.
She still sat on the top step during these conversations.
“You’re the one she’ll listen to. Lord knows I’ve tried.” The exasperation wasn’t at the stage-worthy point yet.
“Of course, I’ll talk to her, “my father said. “You’re too hard on her. She’s fine once she gets to know people. You act as if there’s something wrong with her.”
This was an old argument. Since there was nothing new to hear, she decided she might as well go and get ready for this party that her father would later tell her would change her life with best friends and boys.
As she stood in the corner watching everyone talking and laughing about absolutely nothing, she thought about the last time she had really laughed, let herself be loud, and talk about nothing. It was so long ago why bother even trying to remember.
And then it started;  the memories. They were always there, of course, but she was usually able to keep them deeper down. Then the wave would hit. That wave that made her feel alone; not a part of anything.  It was a physical and real sense of aloneness. She didn’t care if it wasn’t a real word because it fit perfectly. Aloneness.
How many times had she sunk like this? Complete aloneness in a full room. Especially in a full room.
She always ended up back in the same time, the same place. She realized the bottle of vodka she had brought was now half empty.
“That’s the kind of girl I am. The bottle half empty type.” She had said this aloud without meaning to. Then she started laughing. The guy standing closest to her turned around.
“What’s so funny?” he asked.
She snapped out of her inner world. She was now in a different place that came with the vodka. She didn’t realize it, but the memories brought her to this place too. This was her place and her time to shine. Too bad mummy and daddy didn’t know about this place. She was Uncle Simon holding court in the centre of the room. How appropriate to become him.
None of them had realized she was so funny. She pulled them all in when she was the bottle half empty girl. Wait until they met three-quarters.
When she woke up she wasn’t quite aware of where she was, but she wasn’t completely surprised either. Her head was pounding and she was both starving and nauseated at the same time. She knew that three-quarters girl had arrived late to the party and she had missed her. She was glad she had missed her.
“Good morning, I think,” he said while rubbing his eyes. “What a night. I’m sure you’re feeling the after effects.”
She was collecting her things and not really listening.
“The stuff you came out with. Old Urquhart didn’t know what hit him. You should talk more in class,” he offered helpfully. “If you did you might…”
She didn’t hear the rest as she mumbled, “Have to go.”
If he objected to her leaving so quickly, she didn’t hear it.
The walk home was a blur except for the smug bitch who pointed out, her voice dripping with judgement, “Your fly is undone.”
She really was alone. Her aloneness was real. She felt it most when she remembered trying to tell what had happened to her. But every single time her mummy was yelling “No.”
