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❆Last Christmas ❆

Christmas is one of the most obnoxious holidays ever, it's loud, it's annoying and it's painful in all the most horrible ways. And one of them is a dreadful class reunion where you have to see your ex-boyfriend. So you avoided it, and keep on doing so until the past no longer bothers you. But does time actually mend everything? Does running away from the past equal to moving on? Phainon is determined to prove to you otherwise.

❅ Synopsis: Phainon insists you attend the class' reunion to reconnect with your old friends, come to terms with the past and perhaps for a more or less selfish reason: He misses you.

✴︎ Pairing: Phainon x Reader, Dan Heng x Reader (Dan Heng is your ex)

❆ Featuring: Phainon, Dan Heng, Mydei, Cipher, Castorice, Hyacine, Stelle, Caelus, March 7th.

× Word count: Around 10k

.𖥔 ݁ Tags: Christmas Fluff, Happy Ending, Getting over the past, bonding with your past classmates, Alternate Universe, High School AU, Modern AU, Phainon has a crush since high school and he's trapped in the friendzone lol, failed distance relationship with Dan Heng, this is more of a Reader and friends fic actually

✶ Note: This is a sequel to this. While this can be read as a standalone, you probably wouldn't understand some of the references here. Also I have to much to say so here's some additional notes

Christmas Masterlist here!

The festive air permeates the atmosphere like frost etched in the winds. The pavement has long grown used to its new, crusty white coat while across the streets, tinsel sparkles like those dollar store, glittery children toys. Ah, indeed, there are not many holidays that are as obnoxious as Christmas—being able to announce its arrival even a month early just from the public playlist every store seems to use.

'Someone special' my ass. Tone the music down at least, is noise pollution not bad enough here in Okhema?

Aside from the same songs being blasted everywhere, every year. There are also other nuances that come along with Christmas: snow piling as high as your stack of holiday homework, nasty cold that make you sound like schoolboys hitting puberty, temperature so horrid that you wake up to your booty cheeks clenched and frozen and many, many more. Another thing—

"Baby, you know you will forever have my heart."

You don't want to, really, but it's hard to ignore something when it sticks out like a sore thumb and an ill-fitted joke targeted towards you.

"So do you." The woman smiles, eagerly taking the man's face into her palms. Their foreheads lean on each others' as her hand moves to ruffle the back of his head. Black locks of hair fall across her face, like clumps of dust from a coal mine. Occupied in the intimacy of the moment, they don't see the dozen other by-passers giving them the dirtiest side eye.

Or they do so they proceed to kiss each other like they're trying to fish out a marble from each other's mouth with their tongues.

Gross! Last time you checked, this is Okhema, the renowned capital of Amphoreus, not some random back alley behind a club in Penacony!

You manage to swallow down the urge to roll your eyes in favor of speeding up from the scene to free yourself from the audacity of these people. But clearly, God's sense of humor knows no bounds and tends to overdo itself in the celebration of his birth.

"I made this for you, I thought this color would look lovely with your hair." A high school girl wraps a scarf around a boy's neck, her shaky hands make the scarf cover his entire eyes but that doesn't seem to be much of his concern. Their faces are flushed with redness rivaled only by the red ornaments hung on the Christmas tree and their eyes wander off in random directions as if they would explode upon meeting each other's gazes. It's like something straight out of a K-Drama romance, disgustingly adorable — so much so that it hits a bit too close to home.

You stand still for a moment, baffled by the unwelcoming familiarity of it all before coming back to reality and turn at another corner.

God! Can't a person enjoy a normal evening stroll? Drop dead!

With frustration building up in your increased pace, you are eager to get away from the crowds full of love-birds with no PDA awareness and public etiquette. A cup of coffee and half a slice of bread don't suffice your mind with enough tolerance to go through any more of this.

You keep on walking, eyes forwards and mind rid of mindless musings. Maybe you just don't want to slow down, to contemplate your own hypocrisy and let that bitterness swell in your heart. It's always easier to stare and nitpick at others than walk away the first time to save your eyes the trouble.

Truly, you don't have any qualms about seeing people being happy. (No one should be denied of romance, yes love who you love people). It doesn't irk you to see couples being sappy or sweet to each other, it's seeing the past reflection of yourself that does.

It has been 1 year and 9 days since you and Dan Heng broke up. It wasn't anything messy, no heated arguments or loud fights, not even a single curse or insult, just a plain "I don't think this will work." and a simple "I understand.". Four years of dating ever since high school, yet all it took was one day for everything to vanish. It was cruelly blunt and efficient.

A part of you had hoped he would try to reach out, to ask for a second chance, maybe a "we can try to make this work again", anything to show that the relationship mattered to him. You would have dropped your dramatic little tantrum and run back to him right away just for that little scrap of verbal affection. But none of that ever came.

Nothing surprising, Dan Heng has always been a steadfast and no-nonsense person, never a push-over kind. You were stupid for thinking that your wanting to break up would truly be a wakening call for him to show you he still loves you.

This is why most high-school romcoms don't show what happens next after the confession, after the prom or the graduation. Because they know adulthood doesn't have the same rose-tinted filter as high-school does: people drift apart, relationships fail and memories… are forever memories you look back fondly at to cure the loneliness festering in your heart.

But to you, those memories do nothing but reopen the wounds of the past. Through every corner of the street, every late night, every festive season and every loving, happy couple, you see a glimpse of you and Dan Heng with tender gazes and love-struck smiles. Back then, everything seemed like it would remain like that forever.

That was the naive folly of youth. Adulthood, however, enters with numerous vicissitudes and changes. People drift apart, life gets hectic and relationships sink faster than the Titanic when it hit that iceberg. And for every thousand of kilometers you two are apart, the sinking speed increases until the Titanic seems more salvageable than whatever is left of you and Dan Heng. But if all it took was some distance to ruin a relationship then it was probably not meant to be in the first place.

That was the case with you and Dan Heng. It simply went downhills after graduation and one "this is not working" was enough to send everything crashing down the seabed.

And that's how a four-year relationship ended. Considering that you two dated since high school, you thought there would be more yelling, crying and begging. Surprisingly, it was… very peaceful, everything happened on a wasted lovely evening, in the same street you two walked past on your first date. Some would say it's anti-climatic but you would….

Well, agree. But hey, a dull knife hurts more than a sharp one and the resultant tetanus is equally nasty if not worse. There was no need for divine intervention, no tragic accident, just an inevitable event within humans' life, a manmade tragedy and an outgrowth of your shared choices and mistakes. Perhaps that's why it hurts so badly for you, there was no one else to blame for this but you.

At least Dan Heng still agreed to meet you a week before Christmas to break things off the right way since you didn't think you would be able to watch other people hand in hand while you were ugly-crying with snot running down your face on the 25th of December (whether single and lonely or in a relationship and still lonely)— Well, you still did anyways so that was all for naught.

"Ow!" A stranger's yelp pulls you back to reality. Great, daydreaming and then bumping into a rando on the streets, seems like you just ruined his hot cocoa too. "Sorry, I didn't mean to—"

Hey wait, isn't that?

"Phainon?"

It is him! Bluish white hair, two big strands sticking out comically from his head like antennae and the same abomination of a fashion sense. You haven't seen him since high school graduation, he was off to Amphoreus Aviation Academy so there wasn't much opportunity to talk to him, much less after you shut yourself in after the 18th of December last year.

"Huh?" Phainon catches your eyes instantly, azure blue orbs with that same glint you remember back then, but more mature now and with deep eye bags fit for a soon-to-be pilot. The corners of his lips pull up as he registers you, your name falls from his mouth as he smiles like he just discovered some left-over change in his pocket. "Oh God, it's really you. I can't believe it, it's been so long!"

"Right, and I-uh, sorry about that…" You turn to the plastic cup laying on the pavement, deep brown liquid leaking out and seeping into the snow, creating a small puddle of chocolate. "Let me just…" You quickly shuffle down to pick it up then toss it into a nearby bin, embarrassment hot on your face. This is not exactly a good way to greet an old friend.

"Sorry for your cocoa. Uh, I can make it up to you, if you would like to?" There goes your dinner tonight— nothing screams Okhema more than a broke uni student who barely gets enough to pay tuition and eat a decent meal at the same time.

But still, you feel bad since Phainon is probably on the same boat, coming from a family of farmers in a village no one has heard of. Besides, Phainon always treated you to after-school snacks so this small cup of cocoa could never hold a candle to the kindness he showed you back then.

You eye him tentatively, waiting for an answer while he fixes the wrinkle on his eye-blinding yellow coat.

"Sure, besides I haven't seen you since forever. We can catch up in the meantime."

So now you are sitting in a small cafe, preparing for an onslaught of "catching-up" while waiting for Phainon's drink to be served. Meeting an old classmate isn't something you were expecting, not when you've been trying to avoid them like the plague.

Seeing them after Dan Heng just brings a type of pain and shame that you don't want to subject yourself to, you two were once the high school sweethearts everyone knew after all. It has been easy enough since you and Phainon are the only ones studying in Okhema while the rest are off to other parts of Amphoreus, or other nations entirely.

"It's been, like, two years right? How have you been doing lately?" Phainon leans his cheek onto his palm, an easy smile plays on his face, which feels a bit foreign since you haven't seen it for two years now, saved for the occasional social media stalking.

"I'm doing alright, if you don't count the monthly crash-outs from team-working in uni I guess. You?" A chuckle slips past his lips, the accompanied head tilt makes his white locks frame his face like a white curtain, eyes slightly narrowed down as his lashes bat against his cheeks— Still charismatic as ever huh?

"Good too I guess, if you don't count missing a certain someone who didn't show up at class' reunion." What was that?

"Oh come on, I was busy! Something cropped up so I couldn't make it." Not really, you just didn't feel like coming to any reunion after ending the relationship that you thought would have beaten the "high-school sweethearts never last" allegations. They even have to host it near Christmas every year too, not like you would attend it if it were on any other days because Dan Heng would definitely be there regardless. Pro tip number 1: Never date a classmate.

"Alright, so are you gonna come this year then?"

"Ehhh, I'll think about it." Phainon raises his brows in a mocking motion, a mischievous smirk on his lips as if he already knew what you are thinking.

"Do you really?"

Seems like he still has the same bite after all these years. Phainon has always been observant and smart, he reads people a little too well for your liking but you know he always means well— That genuine kindness was what drew you to him.

"Okay, maybe no, I don't know. Why should I be there anyways?" —Why should I trap myself in a room with the same person whose name sears my heart every time I speak it? You're all about moving on and all, but a part of your moving-on involves distancing yourself from the source of your misery too.

"See the others of course! Cassie misses you, Hyacine misses you oh and Mydei too. He said that it doesn't feel the same without you and I sneaking up to steal his baked goods— Don't tell him I said that though! And honestly, I miss all the fun we used to have. Don't you miss me too?"

Okay, what the hell was that?

You two were friends for three years throughout high school, surely he doesn't take you for a fool just because you were a hopeless romantic back then right? While you're not immune to his psychological tactics, you're not completely oblivious to it either.

But if you looked a little closer, and thought about it a little harder, you would fail to see the farce in his words— Because there is none. Phainon misses you, two years of absolute silence, two years of no contact, you seemed as if you had vanished from his life.

People tend to go separate ways when they leave high school, but there will always be those trying to cling onto the past, tugging at the memories that are too dear for them to let go. Or perhaps, someone that is too dear for them to let go.

"After we both got our asses kicked by Mydei? No way."

"Yes way, you literally said 'no' when he asked if we had both learned our lesson yet." Okay, maybe you really do miss that, miss making Mydei age at least 10 years with your stupid antics and then having to mop the floor with Phainon for a week straight. You two flooded the class and turned it into an ice ring for entertainment purpose more than one time during your labor punishment. The image of you and him skiing across the room with reddened knees subconsciously brings a smile to your face, you just can't help the memories flooding before your eyes.

"Okay, fine, I guess it was… kinda fun. I kind of miss that." Your smile is the betrayal of your words. With how wide it is, you may as well just say 'I do, I really do, I miss everyone, I miss us, I miss you'.

But you don't want all your hard work to go down the drain anymore, everything is in the past now, along with your memories of Dan Heng. You need to move on and let it go.

"Knew it! You should come to the reunion this year. And we can team up to steal Mydei's cookies again, you know, like the good old days."

Good old days huh? That was years ago, you two are 22 now and definitely too old for that. Besides, you two haven't been exactly that close ever since graduation— Again, people drift apart after having to walk separate paths. It was partly your own fault for pushing people away but life pressure and responsibilities played a crucial role here too.

You mindlessly tap on the underside of the table while mulling over his words. You still have tons of essays to finish, a part time job to worry yourself with and other club activities to polish your CV. There's clearly a lot on your plate, but if you push them aside and actually be honest with yourself, you would know you're full of shit and that you just don't want to see Dan Heng.

Seeing your hesitation, Phainon quickly chimes in "Tell you what, Cipher finally landed a job in the police department and—"

"She what?!"

Cipher as in that Cifera? The one you're thinking of? Cipher the one who sneaked into school to steal test exams? Sold them and profited off of it for a year before Aglaea called her to her office? You don't know if you should be at awe or concerned that someone like her is working in the justice system. "No way."

"Crazy, I know. So that means you're going right? You two sat together for three years, I'm sure there's plenty of things she wants to tell you."

"…"

Yes, for three years and now you only see Cipher through her once-in-a-blue- moon update on social media. You're so severely out of loops with her life right now. You remember when the two of you would talk nineteen to the dozen about the future, she would always tell you that she would never get her life together— Now she's employed. Next time you hear about her, she may just be engaged anytime now.

"Okay…fine, I'll see if I can clear my schedule for it. No promises though." Hearing that, Phainon grins, all boyish and toothy, with the same sparkle of victory after every time he scored as he would turn to you in the crowd: "You saw that right?".

Now instead of maneuvering a ball, he's going to fly a plane soon, all handsome and flashy in that airline uniform like he has always wished for. It feels like yesterday when you first met him at school, a country bumpkin who couldn't even find where his class was due to the sheer size of the school, time sure flies.

"Here are your drinks!" The bubbly waitress returns with a tray in hand, placing a glass of hot cocoa and hot milk on the table, as well as a chocolate bomb littered with mini Santa Claus images drawn clumsily with a piping bag. You quizzically look up at him, you didn't know he called a drink for you too and this specific choice of beverage...

"What? Is it not your favorite anymore? You used to love it when Christmas was around."

"I just didn't think you would still remember it that's all…" You gaze at the floaty ball of chocolate, its surface melts off gradually until the shell breaks apart and sinks to the bottom, revealing a mix of chocolate chips and marshmallow. The aroma hits your nose sharply—sweet and alluring, reminding you of the cafe where they used to display an obnoxiously fake, plastic pine tree with glittery red ornaments.

There's one here too, but it doesn't feel the same because the pine tree is actually an authentic one, not made of cheap plastic and decorated with some over-the-top ornaments. Also because there isn't a guy that looks like he could crush your skull but is actually so camera-shy he can't even look at it properly, and another guy who is overly confident despite the nation-scale threat he calls fashion and a friend that's too persistent in getting the "annual group photo for the memories".

Those memories are things you only relive through Facebook's "On this day" feature.

Quickly as Phainon snatches it, you still see the bill crumpled in the palm of his hand.

"Also, I was supposed to be the one treating you, not the other way around."

The metal spoon clinks against the glass as Phainon swirls it languidly. "I always paid for these things even when we were back in school so it's your custom privilege now." Phainon flashes you his trademark smile, seemingly unmarred by the horror of adult life, or maybe he just hides it really well. Regardless, that tender-hearted gaze and candor smile ignites a long forgotten sentiment in your heart.

And set a kind of warmth that you're afraid may burn you if you get too close. Because as everyone knows, nostalgia is one nasty bitch.

It lets you relive your most cherished moments and damns you with the knowledge that you can never return to that point of your life by making you see it in third person. Slowly, bits and pieces of that shoddy yet cozy cafe flash through your mind, the kind of place so small that the barista, waiter and cashier is the same person, the windows look they they've seen better days and the front door creaks like it's breathing on its last life line whenever you open it. Weirdly enough, they have the best Chocobomb in Okhema, decently priced and adequately good.

Phainon would always pick up one for you after school but when you offered to pay him back, he just shoved the money back into your hand along with the drink. His face was always flushed with some tinted pink. Seems like the cold winter winds and lack of a decent heater really got to him."It's my treat so just enjoy it. Make sure to come see my next game!"

Mydei sighs, or occasionally rolls his eyes, at this, muttering something like "You know there's a word for third-wheeling in the Kremonan language right?" Even then, he tags along on every hang out with you and Phainon. Even the "unproductive and frankly useless" (his words) group study sessions.

You take a sip from the cup, its warmth immediately floods your mouth, then comes the sweetness of the milk and the bitter aftertaste of chocolate. It doesn't quite taste the same as the old one. Younger you would have been able to tell what the difference is right away but the present you can only taste the mixture of a long forgotten memory and a flavor forever lost in time. Even so this one is still pretty decent— you'll admit.

The snowflakes drift along the gust of wind before settling down onto the piles of snow on the ground, painting the once exuberant garden, a grand display of white. The snow crunches beneath your boots, each step takes you through the vast expanse of the garden, past the meticulously trimmed bushes and exquisite water fountain, to the door of the mansion looming ahead.

Earlier, you didn't really answer Phainon's question, deliberately. Because you don't have the heart to tell him that it's not really your favorite drink anymore, which is kind of ironic— because you used to love Christmas.

One of Aglaea's private villas in Carmitis for holidays. Apparently, Cipher has borrowed it for the class' reunion. She's still insistent on working hard for everything despite having such a prominent figure like Aglaea to back her up, good for her.

A fake, plastic flower wreath is hung on the door with green and red tinsel along the frame in some sort of last-minute Christmas decoration. Your finger hovers over the door bell, close enough to feel the cold metal beneath your fingertip but not too close that you would have no way to turn back. Well, maybe you can start to do that now.

Faint laughter and singing reverberate on the other side of the door, smells of gingerbread and cinnamon hit you like an arresting invitation. The sweetness of it all engulfs your senses in a tantalizing bliss but in your mouth, the bitter taste of dread is beginning to build up.

"—Don't take ice cream away from me!"

"You can eat your desserts after dinner. We still have to wait for the others to arrive."

You would never mistake that voice anywhere. The stern telling-offs just like the ones he told you when he knew you were pulling all nighters laced with the underlying tenderness you thought would be yours to adore for the rest of your life. The feeling makes your heart recoil for a moment, the world stills and all goes silent like it is that evening again. You retract your finger.

Of course he would be here, what the hell were you thinking driving all the way to some foreign city just for a little dinner and laughter? Why did you think this was a good idea? Why did you even agree to this?

With every sip of milk, the conversation went on for a bit. Even until both cups were empty, the questions didn't cease.

"That's good to hear. I'm glad Cipher can enjoy life the way she wants it to be… What about Mydei? I know he's been touring around Amphoreus. Has he been overworking himself? He seems pretty tired on stage lately." Before you were aware of it, inquiries kept on pouring out of your mouth. It's obvious social media stalking and tabloids don't provide you with enough information about your friend.

"You're that curious? You should go ask him yourself, I'm sure Mydei would appreciate your concern."

You stilled for a second, thinking back to his first concert that you had to buy the ticket for with your entire month's savings. Watching him from the crowd, watching him rule that stage like it had always been his. You wish you could hand that bouquet to him directly, teasing him about how nice he looked with that tight jeans and ripped top instead of a congratulatory message over the phone. But it's okay, you chose to isolate yourself, you chose this for yourself.

Your silence must have bespoken whatever was on your mind as Phainon continued: "Hey, the thing between you and Dan Heng… I know it hurts you badly. Hell, I was there to see how down bad you were for him! But do you really think shutting yourself in is the solution?"

"I'm just trying to move on and live my own life Phainon."

He sighs. "I know, I just want to tell you that there will always be people who care about you. Don't let one bad memory ruin everything, yeah?"

Even so, would it really be okay? To walk through this door and reconnect with all your friends, all the memories lost when you enter adulthood and also facing the fear you thought had long past? Guilt still lingers in your heart, regret and grief mixing like a perfume that has yet to faded since that evening. You can still envision the way his shoulders stiffened, how the emerald shade of his eyes painted your entire vision as you awaited his response.

I don't think this will work, I don't think I can put up with your avoidant tendency anymore and this distance relationship is killing me. But if you hold me back, tell me to stay, say anything to let me know you still care about me, about us—Then I would drop this whole stupid thing and run into your arms again like nothing had happened. You stood still for a minute, yet it felt like an eternity had passed. Did the swirling emotions in your eyes stir his heart even just a bit?

This is so stupid, that was all in the past and life is as decent as it can be, let's just turn back and—

"Finally, you're here!"

Just your luck, turning back only to meet Phainon right there. Does God get a kick out of this? Making your life some sort of happy birthday sit-com? "Uh Phainon, hey."

"I was out buying some drinks for the party. Thought you would come so I bought a few more." In his hands are two large plastic bags, you can spot the familiar Kapo-Kali you used to love back in high school and some beers. He must have run to the store in a rush, you can see the snow hanging off of his shoulder and head, someone didn't bother to pull up their hood it seems.

"Wait, stay still." His eyes go wide for a moment until he feels your hands on his shoulders, wiping away the snow that has clung itself onto him. Phainon even has the courtesy to bow his head down a bit to make your job easier. With his face downwards and away from your line of sight, Phainon lets the blush paint his cheek with a reddish shade. His mind drifts back to your high school days, ever still the considerate friend you were. Cold water bottles after his games, concealer to hide Mydei's tattoos, extra snacks for Cipher during boring classes,… Oddly enough, the realization makes his heart skip a beat like that teenage version of himself.

"You're good, no need to thank me."

"Uh, um right, I was about to say there are some alcoholic drinks too since y'know, we're adults and all."

"No worries, I'd love to get wasted right now actually." That doesn't come out as much like a joke as you have hoped.

"Well then what are you waiting for? Come inside." Without warning, he goes to sling his arm over your shoulder while the other one reaches out for the doorknob. You sink down a bit at his weight, surprised but not uncomfortable. After all, this warmth was the very thing you adored back in school days.

When the door is opened, lights flash through your eyes. It is like entering that same classroom for the first time, again. Walking up three floors to get to your classroom while still light-headed every morning, with the same wrinkled uniforms, the same care-free joy and the same blissful youth that always seems so fleeting and short-lived.

"Oh? Someone finally made it this year!" And the same goofy cat-ear hoodie too. Cipher is the first to jump at your arrival. Gosh, she looks just like how you remember her, crystal clear eyes with smoky hair, but she has trimmed her messy bangs a bit. She used to keep it long to make it easy for dozing off in class, she would tell you before sprawling her arms across the desk and hitting the hay.

"Yeah, finally a winter break free from essays." You smile at her, Cipher has never been the type to be bold in her sentiments without her saccharine tone to cover up her actual feelings .But you can tell she's ecstatic to meet you again, maybe it was the three years of being desk mates that make her so sentimental. "Congrats on your new job, Officer Cifera. Be sure to bail me out if I ever get into trouble."

"And what kind of trouble would land you in jail? Stealing?" Ah there it is, that familiar silhouette of the person who made you mop the floor a week straight just for stealing some baked treats.

"Only if it's yours, Mydei." It feels kind of insane to be calling the industry's newest rising talent like you've known him personally since high school— Technically, yes but he looks so different now. He has grown out his blonde hair, dyed the tips with some red and even added some earrings and tattoos. You knew he had had those red stripes long before he blew up for his one-hit-wonder but they barely stretched past his forearms, school regulations and all.

"Oh don't be like that, Mydei misses you like crazy! When I said you were coming over he rushed to make more co—" A hand is abruptly shoved over Phainon's mouth, effectively shutting him up before he embarrasses Mydei any further. "Bring the cokes to the ice trays, HKS."

"Awww, didn't know our big bad wolf could be so soft-hearted! Next time, try doing aegyo for your fans too alright?" Ignoring Cipher's teasing remark, Stelle shoves past Cipher to make her own entrance.

"No way! I thought Phainon was on some delusional shit when he said you were gonna come this year!" She pats on your shoulder and snickers— Still the same vibrant and lively girl she is. "Hey, Stelle. Good to see ya again." Her hand reaches up to ruffle your head, messing up your hair in the process but you can't seem to care less. The feeling is pleasant and it sets a childlike kind of happiness within you, something you've not experienced for so long. With your smile stretched nearly to your eyes, you almost tumble over when Stelle pulls you along.

Click!

"That's it! Nice smile everyone." The camera shutters before you are even aware of it. Its owner, is none other than the lovely pink-haired girl March. "It's been way too long! I almost didn't recognize you. Oh, how have you been doing? Is that a new hair cut I see?"

Your friends crowd around, filling up the years of absence with warm greetings and questions about your life. So they miss you too, just as much as you have missed them these past few years. And suddenly, you feel horrible for choosing to cut off these people from your life, who hold nothing but care and love for you even when you were busy with self-isolation. Overwhelmed, you turn your gaze to Phainon and he catches the drift immediately.

"Uh, hey so do you mind if I borrow my best friend for a bit? I'm sure they would want to greet the others too."

"Jeez, that's my best friend too alright? I'm not stealing or anything! You don't have to hog them all for yourself like that." Cipher chimes in jokingly, that must have got Phainon real good because his face is going beetroot now.

"It's alright, I should probably greet the others too. We can talk again later!" In a last ditch effort to get Phainon off of the spotlight, you tug him and head towards where you think the kitchen is. The living room then beams up with laughter again, no doubt Cipher is speaking whatever nonsense she has in her mind.

Crossing the room to the kitchen, you pass by Dan Heng. Whether he seems shocked at your arrival or not, he doesn't let it show. The awkwardness creeps in the moment you accidentally meet his gaze. Frozen in your spot, you only manage a small "Hey" and just let Phainon handle the conversation.

All of the sudden, the flooring of this mansion seems particularly interesting to you. Perhaps it's the essence of high-class taste etched in every corner of the place that draws your attention. Even the dust particles here carry more nobility than your entire apartment in Okhema. Or maybe it's just Dan Heng's intense stare that makes you feel the need to seek the fine architecture of the mansion to cover your nervousness.

Just before you finally leave for the kitchen, he speaks, to you.

"I'm glad you decided to come. It's been quite a while."

Just respond, do it, for diplomacy.

"Yeah. Figured I should pay everyone a visit."

Then the conversation drops to another dead end. If it weren't for Phainon coming in for your clutch, you two might have stood there until the end of time acting out the most unpleasant and uncomfortable version of Mr. Bean ever known.

He is polite enough to greet you even when your appearance dampens his mood. Obviously it does! Who gets happy seeing an ex at a class' reunion anyways? You must be annoying to him for sure, that's why he turned cold and silent on you. Either that or he got bored of you acting all clingy and emotional, you must have taken up too much of his time. He had his own life to focus on in the Xianzhou Luofu too, juggling all of that burden along with your constant need for reassurance throughout your distance relationship must have taken a toll on him. That's why he instantaneously agree to break up when you—

"Hey, you're dozing off. Surely whatever romance novel you've been reading lately can't be that good."

"Hey? Are you there? You good?"

Phainon snaps you out of your trance, concerned blue eyes sweeping across your features while you are still trying to lodge the words in your throat.

"I'm good. Just… just slightly overwhelmed that's all."

His warm hand makes its way onto your shoulder, the very same motion he used to do to comfort you back then. "It's okay, don't rush yourself."

I just want to tell you that there will always be people who care about you. Don't let one bad memory ruin everything, yeah?

Right. It's just one minor inconvenience. You gather yourself together before striding towards the kitchen again. Phainon is right, you need to quit being such a coward.

At this point, you've greeted everyone at the reunion, lingered far too long in the kitchen watching Mydei arrange the gingerbread house, listening to Hyacine's volunteering trip during her gap year and Castorice's newest fantasy novel on the World Wound Web. Talking with Castorice and Hyacine really helped put your mind off of things and you appreciate how considerate they are towards you. Helping Mydei with kitchen work also allows you more time to talk to him, relive silly moments of the past and properly catch up with his life.

But once those activities wear off and you're left with nothing much to do at the dinner table, your gaze starts to wander again, towards where Dan Heng is sitting. You try your best to shake off the memories, the feeling, but they don't quite go away with just a few attempts.

"Here try this salad I made, it's Aedes Elysiae's authentic cuisine!". You don't even notice it when Phainon stuffs your plate with salad, some turkey and a bowl of soup, he even has your cup re-filled. "Don't be shy, eat plenty! Oh also try this mac & cheese, I think you will like it."

You're not sure what's so odd about Phainon's hospitality that get you strange looks from the others, Mydei with his trademark annoyed face palm and Castorice quickly typing something down on her phone. Hasn't he always been like this since high school?

"Thanks Phainon. But did you have to make so much salad?" While it's not a weird choice of cuisine for the holiday, it is weird that there's over three different salad dishes on the table—The kind of thing cows and goats can only ever dream about.

"Actually… Except for the turkey and glazed ham Mydei made, and other desserts, nothing here can be considered traditional Christmas dinner." Castorice voices her opinion and she is… not wrong.

It's so obvious that everyone chipped in when making the menu. There's Xianzhou's soup dumplings, Penacony's Halovian Burgers, Janus' double-sided pancake— wait, don't people normally eat this on the first day of January? You don't even recognize some of the dishes here! No doubt this is Stelle and Caelus' doing, must be nice studying overseas.

"Mydei gets the keys to the city, 100 trees planted in his honor, and an all expense paid trip to a place of his choices." Obviously said by Caelus with a sense of humor only comprehensible to those with at least 5 hours of screen time per day. Stelle chuckles.

Ignoring Caelus' remark, Hyacine ponders for a while before beaming with her newfound contribution "This reminds me! It's just like that one time we did the rice mix trend in class!"

Now that's some memories, you remember waking up at 4AM sharp to come over to Phainon's house just to prepare the rice. Well, it was mostly Phainon's doing, you were only there for emotional support.

"I'm surprised none of us ended up in the infirmary after eating that." Phainon is right, that thing was a bio hazard. "Yeah, but the classroom reeked with the smell of mysterious mixed- rice and we even got complaints from the teachers. Good thing it didn't kill anyone though." Thinking back on that still makes you gag, an enclosed, air-conditioned place with the foul stench of haphazardly mixed ingredients wasn't a good combination.

"Bro, you forgot me. I was stuck in the school's toilets for the rest of that morning." Caelus admitted with a look of someone who has been in the wars— technically yes, fighting for his life on the toilet that is.

"You hogged up the entire thing. I warned you that the sparkly rice was bad." Dan Heng shakes his head. Even though it was technically everyone's fault, at least Dang Heng, Castorice, Mydei and Hyacine, out of respect for food hygiene guidelines, brought normal, actually edible things.

"I just thought edible glitter would look cute…" March scratches the back of her head apologetically. Something about her eyes tell you she isn't though.

"So it wasn't because of the weird sauce I found in my fridge after all!"

"It was precisely your fault!" Both Caelus and Mydei speak out at the same time, the two people who you never think would be on the same wavelength if not for shaming Stelle for the mystery potion she poured into that bowl of rice.

The lighthearted conversation eases your anxiety just a bit. And before you know it, your tension eventually dissipates, leaving space for embarrassing high school stories and a night full of reminiscence. Reminiscing about that school trip to Penacony where you met Phainon's long lost brother, about the victories your class earned during the Sports Festival, about that time you all surprised Miss Aglaea with a cake on her birthday, about all the fun, the happiness of youth that flew by too quickly.

Nostalgia has you rolling in laughter at the embarrassing stories of youth in one second then all wistful and sad at the next. It was a youth well-spent yes, but the feeling chips at your heart like broken glass shards at the same time. Because of those memories with Dan Heng. The sweater you made to confess to him, the sweets you made to celebrate Valentines with him, the letters you wrote every anniversary, they are part of your school years too. The essence that makes high school so meaningful and painful to you.

After the meal, you all decide to just gather in the living room for karaoke. Of course half an hour hasn't even passed and Cipher is already wasted. "Heheh.. W—When that old hag Caenins opened the soda can,hiccup the coke exploded all over her ugly face!" Cipher cackles out loud, head tilts backwards against the couch as she laughs. Everyone recalls the incident with a "well-deserved for that wrench" grin. Beside you, Phainon shifts a bit, leaning closer into your ears, maybe a bit too close because the way his hot breath fans your ears kind of tickles.

"Hey didn't we once crash her office's windows while playing?" The memory resurfaces in your mind. At this point, everyone in this class has wronged Miss Caenis at some point in their school life and think of it like some sort of trophy. You and Phainon's incident however, was completely accidental.

"All because of your competitive nature, you kept on insisting you could hit that ball higher than me."

"Well if I hadn't, we would never have known she was sleeping around with Diogena's father!"

"Why do you think Diogena was part of the student council?" You roll your eyes, nothing in university can ever ever have the same shock value as high school drama. Phainon chuckles, a hearty laugh rumbles in his throat. And you find yourself to be laughing along with him. The corners of his eyes crinkle in delight, but his blue orbs stick to your figure.

"I told you this would be fun didn't I? Now you know what you've been missing out on." A lot actually. You never know how much you long for something until you get a taste and realize you can't ever go back to not having it anymore— To reunite and relive these memories with the people that used to be the entire sky to you. Ironic, these people you used to speak about the future with are now gathered here to talk about the past, clinging onto their last bits of shared memories as life continues on.

Stelle and Caelus are gonna get their internship at Herta's Space Station soon, you can't wrap your head around it but they have to be the dumbest smart people you know. As for March, she is off to Charmony Academy in Paperfold University, maybe you'll see her on the big screen in the next few years. Also, Hyacine is excelling in psychology and she's doing volunteering works in her free time too, you sincerely hope she continues to give her kindness to the world.

And Castorice, she is now braver, still timid sometimes but she's moving on with life and is hitting so many milestones— she deserves it truly, for always being the most thoughtful and considerate person. And you're genuinely happy that Cipher is finally becoming someone she wants to be— pursuing justice the right ways instead of underhanded pranks and tactics. Your friend Mydei doesn't seem to be chained down by his father's expectations anymore, he gets to live his life without the burden of carrying on his family's army traditions— As he should, you'll continue to watch him succeed in his career.

And Phainon, he's thriving at Amphoreus Aviation Academy, he will reach the sky soon, chasing the same dream he always told you back in high school— "I hope you can be there on my first flight. I'll even get you a first-class ticket.". It's been two years since you last saw him and four years since you graduated, but your sentiment remains the same. You hope Phainon can reach the sky that he longs for, he means so much to you than he can ever imagine. Three years of school, three years of friendship, you've seen him grow and change as a person and even when you two grew a bit distant after you got a boyfriend, that has never changed the fact that you wish to see Phainon succeed. To see that same smile he always beamed at you after every basketball match, after every victorious debate and that last picture during graduation. Phainon, I'll always be rooting for you, no matter where we are in life, I hope you all the best after everything you've done for me.

"Hey Earth to you sleepyhead! What are you thinking about? Care to share 'em with me?" Phainon's hand waves in front of your eyes, snapping you back to reality. Caught off guard and surprised, you turned your flushed face away from him. "Huh…Must be the alcohol."

"Yeah sure, that wasn't even half a can but alright." While you are trying to laugh it off, your eyes caught the figure of someone in the garden, his silhouette flashing through the glass before disappearing right away—Dan Heng? Since when did he leave?

"But seriously though, you're good? I feel like I've been asking this a concerning number of times." Your eyes return to Phainon, his concerned visage melts away at your heart a bit. He always did that whenever you told him about your relationship problems— Oh childish days. But as of now, you're not that childish, immature kid with your head stuck in sappy romance novels anymore. Even so, under his comforting gaze, you still want to talk to him, heart to heart like back then.

"I am. It's just… I feel a bit horrible y'know? You were right, I missed out on a lot of things. I wasn't there when Cipher started to get her life together though we used to sit at the same desk for three years, I couldn't even congratulate Mydei face to face at his first concert even though he was my best friend and… I, I wasn't even there to celebrate with you on first practice solo flight even though I promised to…"

Getting the words out of your mouth is bitter, the realization that you weren't there at your friends' most important events even when you should have shatters a part of you. All because of a bad memory that you refuse to let go. But you cannot really blame that, Dan Heng still showed up, he moved on and remained a good friend to everyone, you didn't because you are still a coward, miserable loser unable to move on—

"Honestly, I was pretty damn sad and the others were too. But Mydei will still have tons of other concerts— Just ask him, he'll save the best seat for you, no promises though I'm sure he's still hurt because you didn't show up the first time. And Cipher will be on patrol duties around Okhema, try to talk to her and apologize, she won't hold any grudges against you, I think. And… you can still be there on my first actual flight!"

And join Hyacine on her next volunteering trip, visit Castorice's book club, find new inspiration for March's photography hobby and see the twins off when they leave for Herta's Space Station.

That's right, it's never too late for a reunion. They will always be a part of your life, just like how you were a part of theirs. Last Christmas was of separation and farewell, but that doesn't mean all Christmas have to be miserable. You've been too fixated with sadness that you never bother to look up and enjoy the holiday, take silly selfies by the obnoxiously decorated Christmas tree, get the drink you used to obsess over in your school days, sing along to ridiculously-overplayed songs and reconnect with the people who mean so much to you.

Moving on is never about leaving the past behind and running towards the future but continuing to keep striving for tomorrow while holding all the memories close to your heart, sad or happy— Because ultimately, they are a part of you too.

"Really, I'm just so happy to finally get you back in my— I mean, our lives! We all miss you, I do too, I really meant it when I say that at the cafe. You thought I was just messing around, didn't you?"

You are getting misty-eyed before the realization even hits you. The blurriness wraps your vision like the thick snow covering the streets. Everyone is still laughing and singing— already moving on to their karaoke night. You are sure someone must have seen your tears rolling down your cheeks before you look down to the floor, just too courteous to mention it and wanting to let you and Phainon have your moments. Phainon places a hand on your shoulder, gentle fingers running through the softness of your sweater, giving you the comfort he always did whenever your poor hopeless romantic heart got broken back then.

"I— I've been such a… a horrible, selfish jerk to you all. I'm s-sorry…" You keep on blinking your tears away, they drop to the jeans, leaving deep blue spots on the fabric. You shut your eyes and let the guilt lead you down the path of memories, the golden emblem on your high school uniforms, the abominable bowl of mixed-ingredient rice, cleaning duties when you and Phainon flooded the whole class, snacks feasts during Aglaea's class with Cipher, stealing Mydei's baked goods, accidentally finding Castorice's fanfics,… The events keep on playing in your mind, in full vivid colors and details. All the joy of youth and school, the days that can never be enjoyed again, the very things you threw away when you entered adulthood— They've never truly left you after all.

"It's okay. Now that you're here, we can always make more memories together." You sniffle your cries, hoping none of them are looking at the couch because you would hate to ruin the fun. Phainon's hand is warm and gentle, carding through your hair with a tenderness that has been through the toughest of times. He doesn't speak a word, but his presence alone is comforting as it is.

But you know full well there is still something you have to do, the one person you've yet to come to terms with. You remove your hands from your eyes and wipe away your tears, Phainon hands you a napkin to clean up your mess. Though shaky and nervous, you're dead set on doing this properly.

"Phainon, there's something I have to—"

"Go, I'm sure he would appreciate you giving him an actual, decent greeting." A look of understanding flashes across Phainon's face as you nod at him. Before you bolt through the door, he makes sure to give you his jacket— "It's snowing heavily outside, be careful!"

You thank him and put on the eye-torturingly bright yellow jacket, determined to set things right and actually move on this time.

You scramble across the place, boot crushing the snow and a few twigs beneath to look for Dan Heng. When you find him, he is sitting on a snowy bench near the window, a rather convenient spot, just enough to see the party inside but not give away his location. The two of you lock eyes for a moment before you decide to break the ice first.

"Hey, Dan Heng." This is kind of stupid, you don't really get why you're talking like a nervous high schooler again.

"Hi." Oh well, at least you're not the only one.

You stand there across from him, as still as the other decorative statues in the garden, trying to find the right words to start the conversation. Dan Heng sweeps the snow off of the other side of the bench and motions for you to take a seat.

As you comply, your mouth begins to form the words you are supposed to say but he beats you to it.

"I'm sorry."

"What?" Flabbergasted, you look at him with wide eyes and mouth still slightly hung open.

"I know I should have done this earlier and that…this means nothing now. But even so, it would feel wrong to not apologize properly to you." Dan Heng turns to face you, eyes as sharp as his determination but you can always tell there's an edge of tenderness to it, a slip of something that is melancholiac and vulnerable.

"During our relationship, things got rocky after I moved to the Xianzhou to study. And I knew that you were… on edge. But instead of giving you the reassurance you need, I became distant towards you."

That's right, people often don't give enough credit to how difficult being in a distance relationship is. This kind of thing is not for the weak. A mid-night phone call doesn't do enough to cure loneliness and seeing each other only a few times a year serves to exacerbate it. It's worse that Xianzhou Luofu was on lock down for a long period of time so you had to spend all special occasions alone, strolling the streets by yourself on Lunar New Year, revisiting your old dating spots without him and having your hand-written letters for anniversaries returned sometimes.

These may be small, trivial things but they soon amassed into a mess of emotions that's impossible to untangle. You didn't understand why seeing a stranger with curly black hair stings your heart so badly and clearly didn't know how to tell him that without sounding dramatic and emotional.

You should have told him exactly that, that you felt like he was distancing himself from you, that you wanted him to show more initiative in closing the gap. That you wished he had been there for your important milestones in life and that you wanted to do the same.

"It's not your… not just your fault. I was at fault too. I should have talked to you about how I was feeling and all. But I was too scared, you made me really… really sad during that time, I didn't feel like a priority to you and I was worried you were getting bored of me. Maybe I was to clingy, annoying, emotional or, or—"

"What? No, I— I would never think that of you. You were just a very loving person and I… took your affection for granted." Your hand grips the bench just a bit tighter. It's weird, hearing the words that would have salvaged your relationship if they had been said earlier. It's belated yes, but you're glad to hear them, to at least know your feelings weren't a burden to him.

"While I was back at the Xianzhou, I had to face a lot of things. My past, my family and my old friends. I… I was having a really hard time back then so I closed myself in, I didn't talk to you or reply when you were concerned about me. I didn't want you to get tangled up in something so… complicated."

That was a chaotic period indeed, multiple missed calls at 3 AM, dozens of unanswered messages, lots of crying and doubting. Dan Heng has a habit of shutting himself in if he believes that's better for other people, even when it hurts him deeply. You being continents away and unable to meet him didn't help with your anxiety either— You eventually learned that blowing up his phone wasn't gonna get you anywhere so you quit and let things simmer down by itself. It did, but something else fell into disrepair instead.

"You were my lover, you deserved to know why I was acting so coldly towards you. Instead I push you away and surround myself with walls all the way up. In the end, the walls I built hurt you instead of protecting you like I had thought."

Things changed a lot after that incident. None of you talked about it afterwards, Dan Heng just got back and tried to act like that it never happened, making it up to you with more video calls, gifts and some half-hearted explanation. You thought he wasn't ready to tell you everything, so you remained silent and waited. But that didn't come either, instead you realize you weren't complaining to him anymore, loneliness swelled in your heart but you just let it stay there until it went away. And despite his efforts to mend the relationship, things were just past the point of no return.

"I know. You're always so stubborn, worrying over everyone when you are the person needing help the most. I know you felt bad for everything and tried making it up to me but… that wasn't what I needed." No amount of Xianzhounese romance novels or authentic delicacies shipped to your door step could cure the undercurrents of your heart, so did the long-hour video calls and the other expensive gifts he got you.

"Still I should have communicated with you better. Making an effort would have been something more than sitting around hoping you would catch on to it. That was childish of me. And I definitely should not have made you fly all the way to Okhema just to scare you with a break-up. I don't know what I was on back then, really! I- I just wanted to see you fight for us."

Red and puffy as your eyes are, you turn to look at him fully. See the face of the man that used to be everything to you, to remember all the joys he brought you and the pain caused by his mistakes and yours. He looks as though he hasn't changed much when he first transferred into your class. Messy black hair that frames the silhouette of his face, jade green eyes you always said were your lucky clover leaves, soft, warm skin that used to be your dreams almost every night for four years. It's all in the past now, Dan Heng has already moved on and so should you.

"I'm sorry, I was too immature back then."

Dan Heng's gaze never leaves you either, glimpsing through your eyes like they are his entire youth. Trying to ingrain his mind with the image of your smile, not as bright as it used to be anymore, but accepting and forgiving nonetheless. As if time has forged and molded you during the one year and nine days that he stopped being by your side, you look more mature now. Not the overly excitable, loving idiot that fell asleep on him at the library, the one that handmade, hand wrote every single gift and letter to him, the one that never stopped looking out for him after he disappointed and pushed you away.

It was snowing like this on your first date too. Him in a sweater you made and you wrapped up in an overly large jacket, hands-in-hands browsing through the streets of Okhema. Teenage Dan Heng would reach out to wipe the snow sticking to your hair but the present him can't do that anymore. Things have changed and you two are not the same anymore.

This is Carmitis and not Okhema, he's wearing a sweater too but not made by you, you're wearing a ridiculously large coat too but not his, not hand-in-hand strolling on the streets but sat at a bench at someone else's private property.

When you two broke up, it was also snowing like this too.

"Even so, I hurt you deeply and I know you didn't allow yourself to move on properly. I… never see you at any class' reunion nor any celebrations at all."

"I can say the same to you. You left 'cause you thought I felt uncomfortable around you, did you not?" Dan Heng's eyes widened, bullseye. Well, you only know this because you would have done the same if the roles were reversed.

"You weren't?"

"Of course no! Okay maybe a bit, but not anymore. I went after you because I wanted to talk, I'm tired of isolating myself and being a selfish jerk to everyone around."

He furrows his brows slightly at your remark "Don't say that, I'm sure they would be understanding of your situation."

"I guess. But even so, their forgiveness doesn't mean I wasn't a horrible person to them." You get up from the bench, subtly motioning for him to come back inside. The others may get worried if they see you two disappearing for so long.

"Let's head back first, before Stelle and Caelus blow up the speakers with their atrocious playlist."

You take a few steps away from the bench yet Dan Heng remains still, standing over the same spot as though pondering something. "Dan Heng?" You turn around to call out to him. "Is it your turn to be uncomfortable with me or…?"

"No no, it's not that. I was just thinking… maybe I should return that sweater to you." He doesn't have to specify but you already know he's talking about the one you made when you confessed to him— third of December.

"It feels wrong keeping such a precious gift after how things end up. You put a lot of effort into that after all."

Truthfully, Dan Heng would keep it if he could. It is the proof of you and him, a testament of history, along with the stash of your hand-written letters with ink already fading through the work of time. He knows you put a lot of care into making that sweater and perhaps he enjoys the thought that he was your Heather, the one to receive your affection and love. But now that it's not true anymore, it would be unfair to hold on to a gift not meant for him any longer.

You look at him with wide eyes before chucking out a small laugh. "Gosh, do you take me for the kind to make my exes return all my gifts?"

"That's not what I meant."Dan Heng deadpans, unamused by your attempt to light up the atmosphere.

"Alright seriously though. Keep it. I gifted it to you so it's yours. Maybe we can look back at it and laugh at our silly teenage selves in the future."

"Also I ate all of the Xiaolongbaos you gifted me so I can't return anything to you." You give him a silly grin along with a mischievous wink, your trademark high school emote. Dan Heng stands there baffled but not unwelcome, he gets to keep one of his favorite things in the world after all. It hurts him to be reminded of your bright smile when you shyly handed the gift box to him, what hurts more is the fact that he knows one thing very well: That smile won't be his to adore anymore.

When the two of you return to the party, Dan Heng is immediately pulled into the karaoke circle with March. Stelle and Caelus are hitting the dance floor like it's their last night before going into the HSS. He turns back to look at you before you nod and urge him to join them. Cipher is already out cold, Hyacine and Castorice are chatting over something while enjoying the concert. Meanwhile, the real actual concert singer is leaning back against the couch, a satisfied smile on his face. Seems like everyone is having a whale of a time.

"So, things went well?" Phainon approaches you first, reaching out to wipe the snow off of your hair and taking your (his) coat to hang on the hook. "Yeah, we talked it out."

You lower your head, taking your boots off. Eyes a bit dry from the sheer cold of the winter wind.

"Good to hear that. What's better to hear would be that it's okay to cry a bit too you know."

Phainon and his creepy ability to read you like a book. Of course he would see through it. You are foolish for thinking you could get past him. Perhaps on cue, tears begin to form at your eyes, brimming at the edge of your lower eyelids. You swear you weren't this sentimental talking to Dan Heng earlier.

This talk could have saved your failing relationship but it was a year and nine days too late. You wish you had heard those words earlier, back when you were dead drunk after a college party and realized you couldn't call him because he wasn't in Amphoreus, back when you had to cry yourself to sleep after celebrating Christmas with him via a video call, back when you looked at your past messages and decided you couldn't take it anymore.

Emotions just kind of broke the dams today. This is the second time you've cried which is probably like two months of uni pressure combined. You wipe your tears away with the back of your hand, blinking to clear the blurriness.

"I know, but I think I've cried enough for today. What do you say about sneaking into the kitchen and stealing the desserts?" Upon your suggestion, light sparkles up Phainon's eyes and he beams at you like the teenage version of him back then. But it's not that he hasn't changed since high school, he has changed a lot actually. But the only thing that remains untouched by the passage of time is his feelings.

"Like back then?

"Yeah, just like back then."

© lynnerra | All Rights Reserved. Please do not plagiarize my works, or feed them to AI under any circumstances. Repost and translation of my works on other platforms without my authorization are not permitted.

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