#lyftedthoughtsseries

All my life I have allowed myself to be ruled by others. Mentally, emotionally, physically, sexually.

It is why the fearless spirit of love and connection, that at times barely flickers, is merely a glimmer of what it once was.

I should clarify that this is not my daily existence. I have had moments of victory. Of pulling myself up by the "bootstraps of my vagina." I have lead and helped others in these precious moments.

But that is when I attract the filth and grime and vacuum that wants to suck up my air. Snuff me out. Harness me. Lovers. Friends. Family.

Never all. But there have been. For the ones I choose, I sure do pick them.

They tore away at me. Used me. Made me feel inadequate or stupid until I finally believed it.

I am a work in progress. I am attempting to reclaim the lost parts of me. The undiscovered parts of me.

This is a reclamation of self/identity, existence and movement through art, healing, creation/creativity and action.

My partner who I haven’t seen in over a week and half came over. He lost it during foreplay in the shower. All he could do was apologize. This isn’t the first time I have encountered these situations. A young me use to think it was my fault - what did I do to lose the mood? Am I not attractive enough? Not sexy enough? Truth be told, those thoughts do pop up when it happens. 

But now I am at a place where I understand - I have a high sex drive. I am not abnormal for it. My partners, male or female - may not match that. There is nothing wrong with me. I can take a deep breath, place my frustrations of ‘not getting nookie tonight’ honestly and let them know “it we’ll be okay.” That I don’t judge them or shame them because of it. 

...And then go rub one out after they fall asleep or go back home.

“...And men aren’t the only ones who are disconnected from the complex system underlying their desire. Many women, even those with raging libidos, don’t often look beyond the superficial aspects of their desire. When Glickman works with a couple struggling to manage mismatched libidos, he presents them with a straightforward—yet surprisingly illuminating—question: “What is it that you’re trying to get out of sex?”

We spend so much time thinking of sex as an inherently desirable experience—something where more is self-evidently better—that few of us truly think about what, exactly, we’re getting out of it. Pleasure and orgasmic release is an essential part of the experience, to be sure, but it’s also readily available through masturbation. For many of us, the pursuit of sex is about something deeper: a desire to feel close to a partner, a validation of our desirability, a distraction from stress.”