#lunew

“Dad?” Taemin asks from the backseat, playing with the strap of the seatbelt and not looking up, even when Jinki peers through the rearview mirror to get a look at him. He’s been unnaturally quiet the whole ride home – Taemin isn’t known for being a chatterbox exactly, but even when Jinki had asked him if he wanted to get McDonalds for dinner (if they promised not to tell Luna), Taemin had only nodded.

Jinki’s going to get him chicken nuggets anyways, and he hopes they still have those toys Taemin likes in his happy meal. Maybe that will make him feel better.

“What is it, kiddo?” he asks, and looks away from Taemin so that he can drive safely, merging lanes. When the stoplight turns red, Jinki brake and takes the opportunity to turn around and properly look at his son.

Taemin has managed to kick off his nice shoes, settling them in the seat beside him, and one of his socks has a hole around the big toe that Taemin keeps prodding his toe through. Jinki hadn’t been able to find socks to match the rest of Taemin’s nice clothes, and Luna had been busy at school, setting up for meet the teacher night; it’s her first year as a full-fledged teacher, and she wants to impress everyone, wants everyone to see that she can do it. Jinki’s proud of her, but he’s also a little lost when it comes to taking care of Taemin by himself.

Taemin pulls his feet up onto the seat, folding his legs up in front of him. Jinki may not know everything, but he’s pretty sure that’s not a great sign.

“Taemin? You wanna talk about it?” he asks, voice more gentle now.

“Am I a mistake?” Taemin asks, and Jinki freezes. He stares at Taemin for a long moment, speechless, not sure how to answer that. Behind him, a car honks, and Jinki has to spin around and drive, but he has half an eye on Taemin through the rear-view mirror now, and Taemin is looking miserably out the window.

Jinki takes a long moment to find his voice. “Where did you hear that from?” he asks. “Why would you think that?”

“One of the kids at school,” Taemin says, not looking at Jinki. “While you were talking to my teacher. It was after we visited Mommy.”

Jinki bites his lip. He wants to be angry, but he can’t just get furious in front of Taemin. Instead, he takes a few deep breaths. “And why did they say that?”

Taemin shrugs. “I dunno, cuz he was mean,” Taemin says. “Said his parents said it. Said they said I was a mistake because Mommy’s so young.”

Jinki inhales a sharp breath, jaw tightening, fingers clenching on the wheel until his knuckles are white and his fingers hurt.

“Of course you’re not a mistake,” Jinki lies.

He wishes it were true. Taemin is one of the greatest things in his life, but he can’t say that if he were able to go back and do it all again, he would.

He had met Luna at a back-to-school party off campus. She was there with her friend Sulli, who had been in Jinki’s music theory class in the spring. They had hit it off first thing; Luna was a little younger, had just turned 18 and was only just starting her first year, but she was sweet.

She was going into the education program, and Jinki being a music education major, had spent hours talking to her about everything.

They’d made out that night, tipsy and giggling into each others mouths, Jinki a little clumsy with his hands and Luna shushing him and then giggling into his mouth in turn. They hadn’t done anything else, not that night – Sulli had come to find Luna only to find her and Jinki curled up on a couch watching a late-night game show on a fuzzy satellite TV.

And Jinki had assumed that that was it. It was a good night.

And then classes had started up, and Luna had slid into the seat beside him in his afternoon education course and smiles at him, pretty and sweet, asked, “You remember me, right?”

They became friends, easily. Luna had a nice laugh and she liked Jinki’s smile. She sang sometimes to herself and blushed when Jinki told her she had a pretty voice, pushed gently at him and murmured, “Not as good as you. Sing for me!”

They became friends and then they became more. Jinki didn’t have time for a relationship and Luna didn’t want one, but kissing was nice, and Luna’s bed seemed somehow more comfortable than the one in the boy’s dorms. Jinki wasn’t sure when it had become more. From kissing to touching to fooling around.

They’d go to the movies and end up in Luna’s bed, laughing and kissing. They’d study in the library and leave early because Jinki’s hand had been sliding up her thigh under the table. They’d go to a party and end up together at the end of the night, Jinki pressing kisses to Luna’s throat, her chest, fingers gentle around her hips.

When Jinki slipped between her legs, pressing kisses to spots that made her gasp and arch, and when he slid inside her, holding her close and petting her hair as they rocked together, it was because it felt good, felt nice, not because they were in love.

He did love her – she was his best friend, his whole world. But any mention of them dating met with laughter from both of them, because they both knew that kind of love wasn’t romantic, no matter how real it was.

And then Jinki had ruined their lives. Or maybe they both had, because when Luna didn’t show up to class and he went to find her, she was sitting on the edge of her bed, shaking and holding the pregnancy test in her lap. She wasn’t crying. But she was trembling with it, shoulders shaking, and when Jinki touched her now, she fell into his arms and shuddered against him.

“I’m only 18, Jinki. I can’t do this. We can’t do this.”

And Jinki has had nothing to offer her except, “I’m right here. I’m right here, whatever. I’m not leaving you. I’m not abandoning you.”

They got married before she started showing.

Luna smiled in her wedding pictures, even if her parents didn’t, and Jinki held her close because he still loved her. And he was alright with spending his whole life with his best friend, even if he didn’t love her, not like that.

Taemin was born months later, and he loved him too. Jinki and Luna both slowed down, taking half semesters so that they could work and take care of Taemin too. Late nights and early mornings were common, and Jinki learned to get by on too little sleep and too little food and not enough hours in the day still for everything he had to do.

But Taemin would fall asleep to the sound of the piano and to Luna’s singing, and Luna would read him books and Taemin liked to point at the pictures and make up his own stories to go with him. Jinki loved him.

Jinki still loves him. He always will.

“Listen to me, buddy,” he says, pulling into the McDonald’s parking lot and parking so that he can turn around and look at Taemin, still kicking his feet in the back seat. “Your mom and I love you very much. You know that, right?”

Taemin nods a little. “Yeah,” he says, but he only sounds half convinced.

“Tae,” Jinki says, and he reaches into the back seat to tickle Taemin. “You’re my whole world. You and mommy. And I love you both more than anything else in the whole universe, okay?”

Taemin giggles. “Forever and ever?”

“Forever and ever,” Jinki promises.

Taemin smiles, shy but pleased. “Daddy, can I play in the play place if I eat my whole happy meal?”

Luna used to always come pick Taemin up though once her shift ended.

Once Taemin got to be a toddler and started having his own opinions and stuff, Jinki would ask, “Do you want Mommy to come get you, or do you want to stay with Daddy?”

And a lot of the time, Taemin would say, “Stay with Daddy!” and it always made Jinki’s heart so warm, and he would always be so happy whenever Taemin would want to stay with him. 

Lots of times, the other faculty members will buy Taemin little treats from the snack bar if Jinki approves, and the second they would give it to him, Taemin would light up and run right up to Jinki and just,

“Daddy! Look what I got!” 

And Jinki would either kneel down or pick Taemin up, and Taemin would take a bite and then hold it out for Jinki and just, “Daddy, you have some.”

And Jinki would take a bite and then ask, “What do you say, Taemin?”

And Taemin would hurry back to whoever gave it to him and just, “Thank you!” and then go running back to Jinki giggling.

And Taemin was just the cutest little thing. Everyone loved him.

Jinki isn’t actually allowed to bring Taemin to class, though, for obvious reasons. There was one incident, however, when Taemin was four. His preschool was closed for the day very last minute, and Luna had already left for work. No one could watch Taemin, and so Jinki had to call the principal literally right before he had to leave to get to school on time, and he got permission to bring Taemin in for the day.

Jinki pretty much just had Taemin sit at his desk the whole day and color, but after maybe the first period ends, Taemin slides down from Jinki’s chair and goes up to him with the biggest pout on his face as his next class comes in.

“Daddy, I wanna play school, too,” Taemin tells him.

“You wanna play school?” Jinki asks, and he bends over to pick Taemin up and bring him back to the desk. “Okay, you can play school. Here, sit at Daddy’s desk and take notes, okay? Then you’ll be like a real student.”

“Daddy, I want to be the teacher,” Taemin says.

Many of Jinki’s students laugh at that.

“Well, you have to be a student before you can be a teacher,” Jinki tells him carefully, hoping to avoid a tantrum. “If you be a good student today, Daddy will play school with you when we get home, and you can be the teacher.”

“But I wanna be the teacher now,” Taemin says.

“Right now you have to be a student,” Jinki says sternly. After a long moment of the two of them staring at each other, Taemin slouches.

“Okay,” Taemin mumbles. 

Jinki gives him a piece of paper and pencil so he can “take notes,” but halfway through Jinki’s lesson, Taemin’s little hand shoots in the air. When Jinki notices him, he asks him what’s wrong, but Taemin shakes his head and motions for Jinki to come over to him. Jinki sighs and goes over, and he bends down when Taemin says he has to tell him a secret.

Taemin cups his little hands around Jinki’s ear and whispers loudly, “Daddy, I can’t read.”

Jinki laughs, but he pats one of Taemin’s cheeks and kisses the other before saying, “That’s okay, baby. We’re only playing, remember?”

Taemin pouts, but he stays at the desk when Jinki tells him he has to go back to teaching.