#lunatics rambles

So as I have mentioned previously when summer started my last year of high school is fast Approaching among other things that come with the whole leaving school and a whole pile of responsibilities bombarding me suddenly and you might say lunatic you’ve said this on like three separate occasions yes that is very true because it’s been on my mind for hot minute and it has me in a cycle of trying to get it right I apologize if it has gotten annoying, truly no fault if you think so I understand.

I wanted to give you all a heads up that 1 of three things might happen either I keep posting more sparingly ,I delete this blog and move on to live my life or I leave without deleting my account

Im still not entirely sure which im going to end up doing but i think its not the first time I’ve said this but I don’t wanna go and leave like a father going to get milk so a little heads up…again 😅

On another note the reason for the deletion option is that I might leave the fandom or take a prolonged hiatus of course I’ve loved Nevermore for a long time,longer than I have really loved any other fictional series but I would be lying if I said I want growing a bit exhausted so yes if ya liked my stuff feel free to save it also full permission to use if for pfps to (wow that was random)

I’m still going to keep posting for a bit cause I’m still finding a little joy in doodling these gays (af) but If I stop or suddenly or yall get hit with the error 404 well you’ll know why

Again sorry if it gets repetitive anytime a say something remotely similar to this, it’s just making a decision has been really hard for me at least so that’s why I started taking brakes so frequently because it was kinda making feel not so good metal health wise and also cause I’d be lying if it didn’t have a tiny bit of sentimental value but anyway that doesn’t matter to y’all so I’ll silence my tongue

And hey have a good one hydrate thank you and se ya next time

This is a bit heavy so if you’re not in a place to read this don’t, take care of yourself.

It’s been on my mind lately how hard it is for me able to express my queerness

Anytime I try to talk about it and say something in my family regarding this the unique ways people experience life in all its wonderfull color I am meet with the words “ oh it’s just a face” “ you’ll grow out of it” “it’s there problem” “well hell is hot” “that’s not natural” “God doesn’t like that” “I’m not gonna be there for you when your wrong” “your doing something horrible” “your going down a path I can’t save you from” “your on your own” “your going to suffer” “your being corrupted by evil” “that’s disgusting” “go read the bible” “go to church” “look for god”

Throwing bibble verses at me like I’m some sort of vile beast that needs to be cleansed.

It’s hurts to hear that from the people you though loved you the most. The worst part is they looked me in the eyes and said that with this look of “I know this is the truth” and I think that broke something in me

It makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me or that I shouldn’t be here , that I don’t belong

It’s made worse by the fact that when it comes to me being a person on the spectrum people always say “oh well you don’t look like your autistic” “oh your just pretending” “don’t be ridiculous” “your normal stop saying all that bullshit” “you don’t know what your talking about”

And because my problems ( my place in the spectrum) aren’t “visible” because somehow the way I look makes it impossible for me to have a disability like I don’t have anxiety and panic attacks because of sensory overload like I don’t count for anything or amount to anything

I feel a horrible sense of dread anytime I go outside , I’m scared of all the things I can’t predict, I can’t be aware of things other people can be aware of , I can’t speak the same way other people can,I can’t process things like other people can , I can’t learn like others can , I don’t work like others do and I am so tired of being treated like I’m nothing

I’m so tired so tired of being told over and over and over again that I’m fine all because they can’t see my problems

They act like it’s a new thing another thing people bitch about, made worse by the fact that I was diagnosed officially by a specialist at 15 and people act like suddenly I’m not normal like suddenly I am less than them, less than human.

The look at me like I’m some sort of alien creature that needs to be studied or put away.

Just because I got diagnosed late doesn’t mean I’ve haven been like this my whole life yet still I get told “oh you where a normal kid” “your never acted like anything was wrong with you” “are you sure about that” this coming from a person that was bearly there for me or not at all when I was growing up

Or they treat me like a child, like I can’t do anything on my own like I can’t amount to anything in my life yet here I am an honor student a creative individual and a person a human being expressing themselves

I am a human being why is that so hard to see

For the longest time I have felt so alone

And I don’t want anyone like me or not to feel like that, that’s why I always try to be as nice as I can why I always chose to be kind

because to be better you need to chose better

If you have ever experience any of this you are not alone your are a human being that deserves love, community, compassion, kindness and all the good things in life

FML 🥲

… WHY AND HOW DOES A FISH BURP ?