#lullys rambles

ever since I wrote The Love That Remains, it was very important for me to have this specific moment turned into art. I’ve kept that thought in my mind, and after my artist for this year’s Big Bang commissioned an art from @kamidiox for Wake Me Up When September Ends, I knew what I had to do.

you know what’s the first thing that comes to my mind every time I think about the fact that I’m actually attending Nola?

it was august of 2016, right after Minncon, and Heather Karri and I were at the Minneapolis airport waiting for our flights. We were walking through the terminal and Heather was talking about how she was going to New Orleans convention, in october of 2017. we had already briefly talked about it on the car ride to the airport. And I remember being adamant about it. “I’m not going.” And that was it.

It’s not easy for me to go to a con. I don’t live anywhere near a convention place, I don’t even live in the US. I have to fly at least 10 hours to go to any convention. If you follow me since 2013/2014, you know the struggle it was to get to Chicon 2014, my first con. my passport was expired, I didn’t have a Visa. I had just started a new job, I had to borrow money from my mom to buy the ticket. “since that’s gonna be my only con, I wanna go gold!” I said back then. It wasn’t easy, a whole year of planning, but it paid off. My dream finally came true and I met the boys for the first time and that would be it. 

2 months later I was determined to go to another con. It couldn’t just end there. So I convinced Karri and in august of 2016 we went to Minncon. I knew at the time that it was really gonna be my last, I cried while talking to Jared during autos because I didn’t know if I’d ever see him again. I wanted to travel to other places, spend money on other things, so I was sure I wasn’t coming back for Nola. I wished Heather all the happiness but I was like no.

Funny thing, tomorrow night I get on a plane to New Orleans. How did this happen? I don’t know. I remember sitting at an italian restaurant in NYC (where I flew to after minncon to spend a few days) and Karri was messaging me saying she was thinking about going to Nola. And that I had to come too.

Fuck.

I knew that if Karri and Heather (and prob Allison by that point) were coming, how could I stay behind and watch it? By the time I arrived back home, I knew I was going even if I still hadn’t confirmed to them yet. I knew that 14 months from then, I’d be there.There was never really a choice. I wanted to be with my girls, wanted to see the boys again. Karri and I rushed to buy our tickets, silver was almost ending. I remember being at a barbecue, no wifi, buying tickets from my phone and praying for the creation website to work. it seemed like a lifetime away, more people joined us, the con was only in october of 2017, fucking 14 months away.

Now, it’s this week. I get to see my friends in less thn two days, a few years ago I didn’t even dream about meeting them in person and here we are, spending a few days at Nola together. it’s amazing to see what this show brought me, and I’m very thankful for it all.

this week I’ll be posting about the con and the trip altogether on my twitter, if you wanna follow me, it’s @j2loveeachother. 

two years ago, Jensen was singing to Jared, alone on stage, and he started to cry in the middle of the song because he was also hurting so much since Jared was in the hardest place of his life and he couldn’t be with him. He missed Jared so much, he almost lost him (as we know now for sure after reading Jared’s chapter). 

and now his boy is by his side, happy and alive, and he can sing with him and celebrate their life. He can hug him tight and sing in his ear “don’t you cry no more” 

let’s remember Jensen also had his own insecurities, he was also shy about singing in public until not too long ago, but he put himself out there and he graces us with his beautiful voice often. And now, he has managed to do the same to Jared. 

Jensen himself told us a while ago that Jared likes to play guitar, but he feels shy about doing it in public. Can you imagine how many times Jensen told Jared that he was good, that he should play for everyone. We already got a glimpse of Jared’s amazing singing voice when he recorded a song for Jason Manns’  Christmas album, but we had yet to see him playing. I can see them practicing it a lot of times, and Jensen asking him to do it. 

Now, he finally did it, and I love how Jensen keeps looking at Jared as he sings, silently telling him “I’m here, you’re doing good, it’s okay”. I’m sure Jared was so nervous, I imagine he tuned everyone else down, he focused only on Jensen so he could get through it. At some point, Jensen got up to take the focus off Jared a bit, to make him feel more relaxed. And after it was over, he made everyone stand up and applaud Jared, to show him how amazing he was. I’m completely sure Jared would never have done it if it Jensen wasn’t there. 

And it’s amazing how it’s a two way street. Something just came in my mind right now, at PCA’s 2013 (I think) when the boys went up the stage to present an award, and Jensen was so fucking nervous he couldn’t breathe while speaking, and Jared took over and finished for him, because he sensed Jensen was distressed. Now Jensen did the same for Jared.

God, I remember like it was yesterday. I was at work and word was that Jared had cancelled his appearance at Jib because he had an anxiety crisis, and then that tweet came from him. I couldn’t focus at work anymore. I remember going to bed that friday praying god, don’t let me wake up to the worst news please, please, please. Instead I woke up to Jensen singing Sweet Home Alabama and crying because of Jared. then it was radio silence for weeks, and jfc those were terrible weeks, no news from Jared at all, the fear of the worst. And now Jared’s chapter on that book, writing how close he really came from leaving this world. It makes me upset remembering it. 

And I think that Chester may be someone’s Jared. And that they lost him today. My heart aches because I honestly don’t know how would it be if I had gotten the news that something happened to Jared. Today at work after we got the news on Chester, my boss joked “Luciana (me) is upset even if she gets the news that Sam (she calls Jared “Sam”) tripped there in the US! If something happened to him she would miss work for a month!”

She has no idea how close it was. How I celebrate each of his birthdays way more now, how I was much more emotional the second time I met him than the first, because it was after we almost lost him. I’ve seen some people mocking him today on twitter because he had an anxiety attack while he was among the crowd yesterday giving autos, I hope you never have to go through that. And just because he’s a celebrity, it doesn’t mean he’s not allowed to be anxious. This fandom is lacking in sympathy.

anyway, I dont even know why I’m writing this, I’m just a bit upset I guess. Everytime we lose someone like this I think about Jared, and I send a little thank you up there that we still have him doing keg stands for us. 

Chester fans, I’m so sorry for your loss. 

then all of the sudden I remembered a particular scene on the last fic I wrote. Jared, who became a paraplegic in the beginning of the story, after going through a long road, finds enough courage to drive to Wendy’s by himself and have a simple burger, all on his own. and he feels so damn incredibly happy for being able to do something so simple as having a burger by himself, bc for him, it’s a huge achievement.