Honestly though? I’m terrified.

It’s scary once you find someone who actually cares about you.

It’s scary to be a part of something healthy.

I’m so use to toxic,

but I’m so glad I found you.

Today has been a great day so far.

I am incredibly sleep deprived and my head has decided to attempt to kill me off with this headache, but I’m still kicking today’s ass bish.

Let’s hope this continues to just flow as well as it has been.———————————————————————————————————

Hope you are having

and continue to have

a wonderful day.

If you’re reading this.

I couldn’t sleep much last night. I think I slept for about 2 hours, give or take. Unfortunately this isn’t foreign to me lately.

I cannot tell you the last time I slept soundly throughout the night.

Nightmares. God Damn Nightmares.

For the most part I can handle them. I’m used to them. I expect them now. I have at least one per night.

Usually they are filled with horrific scenes of my late father’s illness throughout the years. Sometimes they are plagued by this “Shadow Man”, appeared one night and hasn’t left since, torturing people that I love while I’m unable to do anything but watch helplessly.

The intensity has increased lately though. Even though I know they are coming and I’m aware of what they usually are - I’m still waking up with tears down my face, a feeling of paralysis and occasionally I’ll try to scream out for help and no sound will come out due to how afraid I have been left.

It’s aggravating. I just want to rest. I just want to enjoy just a single night of sleep.

Sorry for all of the jumbled ranting. Just had to get that off my chest. It’s been weighing me down for close to two weeks now.

Once this Coronavirus crisis ends I’ll be able to get into a doctor and start up therapy again.

I tried to go without meds and therapy.

Obviously it’s not working.

You laid there,

soundlessly asleep.

I sat awake silently

begging the universe for peace.

All I wanted was to watch the fireworks

With you.

Left with strangers.

Blame me being upset on alcohol.

“I’m not that into fireworks anymore.”

Conquered a fear tonight.

Alone.

Sat in the same spot - alonezs

Watched the fireworks.

Alone.

I hate everything right now.

Acting okay isn’t working anymore.

Sitting here with my dog.

Listening to Stairway to Heaven.

It’s cold within this room,

Oh hi,

Haven’t slept at all.

8hr. shift is calling my name.

What is my life.

At least I’ll be able to eventually nap super hard.

Silver linings people. Silver linings.