1 year, 1 thousand lessons
i think many times we all underestimate ourselves. we exclaim to god, the universe, whatever you believe in: “i have been through so much already, i could not handle it if ____ happened, i would just have to die”. and then it happens. and life is real. and you’re in the middle of a spiritual, emotional, mental and physical warfare with yourself that cannot be halted by logic. everything that once made sense no longer does.
well, what the fuck??
in the last year i experienced:
- rape
- severe relapse
- overdose
- theft from someone i loved
- best friend committed suicide
- loss of friends
- realization that no mater what i change my addiction WILL follow me
- withdrawing from school due to mental health
- 88 pounds at one point
- missing holidays due to being high and not well
it is overwhelmingly easy for the brain to only tap into these experiences. suffocating. it sometimes does not allow you to remember and meditate on the fact that you
- sought therapy
- become a better person
- removed myself from toxic living situations that forced me to face the facts about myself and how and why I need to change instead of other people
- withdrew from drugs and alcohol and got sober in my own home without rehab or halfway which i have never done
- got back into a regular for of work and achieve a normal work schedule
- learned that it is OKAY to stay in and not have to go out drinking and partying all the time in order to have fun and at the same rate that it is OKAY to have fun with your friends and just because you’re and addict does not mean you have to never go anywhere or have any fun.
- gone through traumas that ultimately will help me to help others in the future even if it means that it hurts right now
this year has not been easy, but neither has any other year. the severity of the trauma always differs. but in my eyes, to be a woman.. is to get it the fuck together, get to therapy, and work through your past,present and future.
i hope that you all feel inspired to open the small black box you keep locked away. being vulnerable is not easy. being human is not easy. having feelings is not easy. and in a world gone mad, why obsess about being sane?
