#lovelyscribblings

there is nothing more heartbreaking

then laying in your bed at night

thinking, i can't get up in the morning

but you do

you always do.

and you realize there is nothing you can do

about the constant repetition we're stuck in

of love, hate, happiness, grief

but waking up

to a broken heart

feels like your day is over before it even began.

how do i cope

with this feeling of having so little

and still getting up every single day

and moving on?

when the little things are no longer enough to keep you going?

that is where i am

just a few inches off rock bottom

close enough that i hit it every time i stumble even a little

and every time it's harder climbing, scraping, dragging myself up

because i already know what's going to happen.

i will just fall back down again.

my happiness is always so tainted

joy does not exist

for me anymore.

pure, simple joy.

i became insatiable

after the one thing i wanted more than anything was taken away from me

and the love of my life

chose someone else.

see, they always leave.

and they are lucky.

one by one

everything good begins to leave?

what happens when

your world becomes

so much smaller

and every window

you've built for yourself

to get out of those four walls

have been nailed shut?

because not only

was your love and your heart

stolen away from you

but your trust

your safety

your life

and even thought the buildup was slow

your world vanishing was fast

because someone made you feel

like less then a person.

they took the choice away

the free will

which was our only gift

from a world that cursed us from the beginning.

i used to think

that this box was of my own making

but really, is it?

someone or something has been forcing my hand

brick after brick

separating me from everyone

and my choice, my joy, my innocence

joining them on the side i can't reach

and now that my world

has been whittled down to this tiny windowless room

my eyes strain and hurt

for light in the inky black.

it only comes in little flashes

that leave far too soon.

they have never seen me for the person i am

and i am paying the price

because now i don't even know who i am

who is screaming and pounding on the bricks

"please, give me my life back."

they glance at the noise

and turn away.

"you can't keep going this way"

"you need help"

cause the haze only veils it

but it never really goes

i'm just making another problem

something else i can't get rid of

another ocean of mistakes

to drown myself in

when do i make sense of

"you've gone too far"

"you're just getting worse"

i hear the words

and i know

in every bone of my body that they're true

it pushes my hurt, and pain, and emptiness away to the next day

so today, for today

i feel nothing at all

(just light)

but not always

sometimes i just make it worse

and cry and cry and spill out

my seams ripping

from the strain of living

you know that moment

when all the water in the ocean

is being pulled backwards

quickly, unnaturally

because it's preparing

for an enormous wave?

i am being pulled back, pulled back

but never let go

never rushing forward

i am just there

in suspense

the dam never broken

cause even thought the water

spills over sometimes

the dam is afraid to let go

to let it all rush forward

cause it knows

i would destroy everything

there is too much

hidden behind the walls

the dam would have to break so hard

would have to crumble completely

to let it be free

and it

won't

do that.