#lovelymess

It’s like you’re screaming, but no one can hear. You almost feel ashamed that someone can be that important, that without them, you feel nothing. No one will ever understand how much that hurts. You feel hopeless, like nothing can save you. And when it’s over and it’s gone, you almost wish that you could have all the bad stuff back so you can have the good.

Is there a limit to how much you can love somebody? No matter how much I hurt him or get hurt by him, I find myself far from hating him, actually hoping that those wounds will scar, like burns… Because then you can never forget me. - Kamijou Hiroki (Junjou Romantica)

I can’t really tell if I’ve finally made it to the point of calling you my friend. It’s been two years since we’ve broke up but we’ve fought for this friendship everyday. My heart doesn’t skip a beat when I say you’re name. I don’t get nervous anymore when my family brings you up. It’s easier to talk about our past with others without feeling that sensation in my chest that slowly gravitates to my whole body. Most of all the peace that I feel with you now is different from the peace I felt with you then. But every time you compliment me I still blush on the inside. Every time you call me by my real name instead of my nickname it throws me slightly off balance. Whenever somethings wrong and you open up again, it feels like we’re still connected. I don’t know what any of that means. I’m not sure because in some moments, I could swear I’m still in love with you. But outside of those moments, I’m just happy that you’re still here and that we’re still us. I’m grateful that I’m able to say, I kept you in my life without breaking you...and without you breaking me. So is this my being grateful or is it something more?

I hate that I messed things up...again