#love and...love

But I’m just so fascinated by the whole concept of John and love. He grew up with parents who not only loved each other, but were also open about expressing that all the time. (And not just in were death/apocalypse related circumstances. Not that I’m pointing fingers at anyone in particular...)

Counter that with Dean. Up until s12, the only person Dean had ever said the words “I love you” to was his mother when he was four years old. He never said them to anyone after he lost her. In fact, it wasn’t until she returned in s12 and he got to confront her about his childhood, that he said the words again, in one of the most powerful scenes of the entire series. (God the “I hate you. And I love you,” scene still makes me feel so many things.)

There is no way John Winchester ever told Dean he loved him after Mary died. Dean grew up never hearing those words, never getting to feel that unconditional parental love. John’s love and attention came with stipulations attached. Dean had to prove his worth, to do what he was told, and follow orders, and maybe then he could garner John’s approval. But I doubt there was anything Dean could have done to squeeze any love or affection from his father. John was more of a drill sergeant than a parent. Expressions of love weren’t something he had left in him to give, not even to his sons. 

(Sidenote, I do think John loved his sons, in his own messed up way, but he was so completely consumed by his holy crusade to find yellow eyes that they just weren’t his primary focus. The times he does come through for them, breaking through Azazel’s possession, selling his soul to save Dean (though big caveat on that one) are big “heroic” moments were he can sacrifice himself and save the day. If there was a bullet aimed at one of his sons, John would jump in front of it and take the hit every time. But if you told John that someone someday would point a gun at one of his sons, and the only way to protect them was to be there for them everyday, and love them and care for them as a father should, I really don’t think he would have done it. He still would have left to do his thing.)

Anyway, it’s just interesting that they’re exploring John and what love means to him so early in the series, and that they’re showing the contrast between the love John experienced – his parents telling each other, and how easily he and Millie can say ‘I love you’ to each other – and how he eventually raises his kids, who never experience the affirmation the same way, and are subsequently super fucked up about the whole ‘love’ thing (especially Dean). 

Remember, keep your heart and mind open. Whatever happens -- because I trust in Berens -- should usher in a new era of character progression...destroying things in order to build them up again, so that they can become more durable, resilient, strong. 

PR isn’t showrunning but Dabb tweeted these lyrics to Keep Me In Your Heart by Warren Zevon —

Shadows are falling and I'm running out of breath Keep me in your heart for a while If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less Keep me in your heart for a while

When you get up in the morning and you see that crazy sun Keep me in your heart for a while

There's a train leaving nightly called, "When all is said and done" Keep me in your heart for a while

Sometimes when you're doing simple things around the house Maybe you'll think of me and smile You know I'm tied to you like the buttons on your blouse Keep me in your heart for a while

Hold me in your thoughts, take me to your dreams Touch me as I fall into view And when the winter comes, keep the fires lit And I will be right next you Engine drivers headed north to Pleasant Street Keep me in your heart for a while These wheels keep turning but they're running out of steam Keep me in your heart for a while

KEEP ME IN YOUR HEART.

Yeah, so, hold me, friends: tonight is going to be emotional.

You can really tell how much spare time I’ve has this week considering I went through all the episodes transcripts to find every instant someone has said “I love/loved you” and wow. It was certainly interesting. So here’s the list I put together undated to include all of season 12.

Note, this is every instant someone has said “I love/loved you” to the actual person, not to a third person.

I also decided to break this down into seasons and to see what kind of love we’re talking about. All under the cut:

It always comes down to what Bobby’s wife said to Dean doesn’t it?

“I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say you've never been in love. He’s my husband. My job is to bring him peace, not pain.”

Yes, all of this. Exactly. Honestly, it’s been so frustrating to keep hearing the word unrequited thrown around so much lately. What about this dynamic has ever seemed unrequited? I’ve done this before but I’ve been really annoyed about it lately so should we make a list?

What about Dean feeling so personally betrayed by Cas in The Man Who Would Be King? Or Sam and Bobby walking on eggshells around Dean and taking care to very delicately approach bringing up the possibility of Cas doing something shady because they knew how hard Dean was going to take it? They knew it would be different for him than it would be for both of them.

Or how about Dean keeping Cas’ trenchcoat, and not only keeping it - he could have stashed it at Bobby’s or left it in the trunk of the Impala - but no he kept it with him, moved it from car to car. And this isn’t a last-minute development that they decided to throw into 7x17 when Cas returned, we see glimpses of the coat in other episodes before this, a consistent reminder that Dean’s carrying it around with him. That losing Cas is weighing on him.

How about Dean wondering why he could usually get over things but for some reason with Cas he couldn’t and he just didn’t know why. 

For that matter...do you think there is anybody else that Dean would forgive for hurting Sam? For betraying him? Sure Dean is mad at Cas but more than anything he wanted to fix things. Despite everything, he needed Cas to be a part of his life. 

How about that time Dean spent a year in purgatory looking for Cas, praying to him every night? In Dean’s mind, Sam is out there alone doing God knows what trying to get him back. I mean Sam didn’t, he’d let Dean go, but Dean assumed he was still looking. And yet Dean didn’t go back to Sam even though he could. He stayed for a year looking for Cas. Because he needed to. He needed him. Purgatory was pure remember? Dean had clarity there. He understood his wants, needs, and emotions.

Or you know just that one little thing about how Dean changed his own memories of what happened when he got separated from Cas because the thought of failing Cas was less painful than the idea that Cas would choose to stay in purgatory instead of leaving with him.

“We need you. I need you.” You know all about this one, I don’t need to say more.

The angels knowing exactly what would hurt Dean, knowing how much he cared about Cas and using that against him: 

“The very touch of you corrupts. When Castiel first laid a hand on you in hell he was lost!” 

“I know you’re hoping Castiel will return to you. I only wish that he felt the same way.”

Miriam: Bieber in there he can do almost anything. Dean: Anything? (and for the first time since Cas died we see Dean experience a moment of hope...and then...) Miriam: Oh sweetie, almost anything. Castiel he’s dead, all the way dead, because of you.

Dean staring wistfully at Cas through a Gas n Sip window for god knows how long. Actually you know what, that whole episode. 

Cas being Dean’s Colette. That’s not subtext. You can argue with the execution, but the parallel was spelled out. And actually for that matter in Chuck’s drafts or alternate futures/ timelines or whatever that he was showing Sam, Dean was the one who was broken after losing Cas to the Mark of Cain, Dean was the one who had to bury him in Ma’lak box. Dean was the one who had to stop him. So I mean not only was Cas Dean’s Colette, but Dean was Cas’ Colette too.

Dean reacting very differently than Sam to Cas’ decision to say yes to Lucifer. Dean’s worry. Dean desperately calling out to Cas over and over again to try reach him and get him to eject Lucifer. Dean resisting Amara for Cas. Lucifer and Amara being very surprised by this. Amara using Cas to try to get to Dean. 

Dean’s very different reactions to all things Cas in s12. This one would need it’s own post, but let’s just say there was a lot of focus on Dean and Cas in s12 and most of it was on how intensely Dean felt for Cas. 

Dean made him a Led Zeppelin mixtape. And then proceeded to get mad at himself for letting Cas use it to come into his room and play him. Which isn’t exactly what happened (though it sort of is) but that’s exactly what went down from Dean’s perspective, and that kind of move would only work if Dean truly cared about Cas. Going into someone’s room and playing on their feelings for you by using a romantic gift they gave you, only works if that person has feelings for you that can be played with.

12x23. Sam having to pull Dean away from Cas at the rift because Dean was intent on chasing after Cas. Dean falling to his knees by Cas’ body unable and unwilling to think about anything else and leaving Sam to face the nephilim. Sam knowing better than to even try to move Dean.

Widower arc. I would elaborate but do I need to?

And finally all of their arc in s15. No part of that was one sided. 

I actually can’t believe we have to keep having this conversation. Before it seemed like we kept having to somehow “prove” there was a romantic element to Dean and Cas’ relationship. Now that they have explicitly stated in canon that there is, the conversation seems to have shifted to how it’s one sided. Look I’m as frustrated as anyone that Dean didn’t get to say anything, but we never considered their relationship one sided before. That’s certainly not what I saw in the show.  Dude pines after his totes str8 bro friend who’s not into him is not a story I would have had any interest in. Looking at that long list above does it seem like it was one sided?

Whatever Cas felt for Dean, Dean felt it too. This has never seemed like a one sided narrative. Like you said just because the last page of the story was ripped out/wasn’t written (ie whatever you think went down) it doesn’t invalidate years upon years of consistent relationship building and emotional growth. Their story is incomplete not erased.

Don’t mind me, just thinking about last season’s finale when Jack told Cas “I know you’re here because you love me, and I want to love you back. It’s just I can’t.”

And Cas responded by saying “You can’t yet.”

Cas died never having once heard that he was loved, and yet that didn’t stop him from always giving it fully. The angel with too much heart, as one of his angel brothers called him. How was it that Ben Edlund put it? “There’s a crack in Cas, the crack through which amazing things come.”

Of all those amazing things, it turns out in the end it all came down to love. Everything Cas did, he did for love. Love for humanity, for his friend Sam, for his son Jack and ultimately the all consuming love he felt for Dean. 

Which makes it that much more heartbreaking that he never got to hear someone express their love back to him. That being said, I’m sure he knew Jack loved him - it’s part of the reason being there for Jack helped him feel less adrift in the world, and gave him a purpose. It gave him a role in their family and made him feel like he belonged. Jack and Cas have seen each other as father and son from before Jack was even born, and apart from that short period of time when Jack lost himself, there’s always been unconditional love on both sides there.

That brings us back to Dean. I think Cas knew that Dean loved him, I mean after everything they’d been through, how could he not? Remember the whole mixtape incident when Dean got mad because “he came into my room and he played me?” That could have only worked if Cas knew there was a certain level of love and trust between them. The whole mixtape exchange was about as honest as they could be with each other in that moment, which made it equal parts cathartic and frustrating. 

The thing is, Cas felt a different kind of love for Dean. The kind of love he didn’t think he was allowed to feel - angels aren’t supposed to love humans that way, remember? Even if he ignored that, he wasn’t exactly an ordinary angel anyway, it’s not like Dean would ever feel the same way. It’s not like he felt that kind of love for Cas, right?

(Cas hasn’t been privy to Dean’s perspective for the past 12 years like we have. He hasn’t seen the things we’ve seen.)

And yet despite all that, in his final act, Cas decided that it didn’t matter. His fears about his love not being reciprocated, that the Empty taunted him with, shame, rejection, none of it mattered. Cas could love enough for the both of them - Dean taught him how. 

Cas’ run on the show may have ended like it started, saving Dean Winchester, but Cas most certainly did not end up the same being that he was when he started. You see all those years ago he saved Dean for duty. This time he did it for and with love. 

I mean I honestly don’t think this is the end, exactly because of what you said. Cas believes his feelings are unrequited but we’ve seen over and over again that that’s not true. Dean falls apart without Cas. We saw how far into the darkness he went in 13x05 - until he got Cas back. Then it was all sunshine and cowboys.

This season when Dean and Cas had their big domestic dispute, it wasn’t just about Cas’ feelings it was about Dean’s too. They finally had that conversation they’ve been dancing around for years, with Dean’s biggest problem being that Cas would always leave, Dean felt he didn’t care about him enough to stick around. Cas on the other hand felt Dean never wanted him around because he didn’t ask him to stay. 

2 things. 

1) Are those really the kinds of feelings you have about your friend? If you want your friend to hang out, you just tell them. There’s no overwrought melodrama about “why isn’t he asking me to stay by his side and walk the earth with him forevermore?” or “why does he always leave me? All I want is to share all my life with him always?”

2) They both wanted the exact same thing - to be together. Cas wanted Dean to ask him to stay, and Dean wanted Cas to want to stay. This is the level of miscommunication and dumbassery we’re talking about. They were both so terrified that the other didn’t feel the same way, that they couldn’t bear to even talk about it.

But Cas has just changed the rules of this game they’ve been carefully playing for years. He stopped worrying about Dean’s reaction or what Dean felt and just spoke his truth. He understood what he needed to do. It was beautiful and honest and it unlocked the key to his happiness. 

Their story isn’t just about how Cas feels about Dean. It’s how they feel about each other, how they understand and fit into each other's lives and feelings in a way neither of them quite expected, and up until now neither of them really understood it either. Cas finally has. And now Dean needs to. 

Cas admitting his feelings for Dean is what made him truly happy. That’s not where Dean’s at. Dean’s the furthest thing from happy - the episode is called despair after all. Dean needs to make his own journey towards acceptance and honesty, and I do believe we’ll see him do that over these last two episodes. I have no proof or inside information or anything, but it is what I believe. 

Also, you mention the mixtape, which is always worth remembering any time you start to doubt Dean’s feelings for Cas - in fact just go watch 12x19 if you want a quick reminder about how in love that idiot is. The mixtape wasn’t just a random addition, it was a Led Zeppelin mixtape. When Dean recounted the story of what made Mary fall for John earlier in the season, a story he’d likely thought about so many times he had all the details memorized, what he mentions is:

 “He was cute and he knew the words to every Zeppelin song”

So of course then Dean spends the season obsessing about all things Cas and makes him a Zeppelin mixtape.