#lottiewrites

In. Out. In. Out. Her metronomic breath slowly steamed up her glasses as she sat watching the lights of the city move below her, the silence punctuated by the faint sirens of police cars as they patrolled the night. It was not unusual for Carla to sit alone under the stars with the world passing by her with nothing but the condensation of her breath to block her view, like a tide moving in and out from the edge of her glasses, a heartbeat’s delay after her breath. Some nights it seemed as though the lights came to life and danced for Carla; intense, intricate displays that only she could see, sometimes she would’ve sworn she could hold the lights as they danced whilst others she felt captivated by them, unable to do anything but watch as they played. Tonight their performance was accompanied by the buzzing of Carla’s phone as it sat ringing on the passenger seat of her car: noticable, but insubstantial and ethereal, it seemed to break the dance into small acts between buzzes.

Carla couldn’t clear her thoughts, even with the eclectic performance of the lights to distract her from them; some of them were painful pangs of self-doubt, some were her worries about Leah, and others were just a word - Freak. The word she had been tormented with that day, that had sunk its claws into her subconscious, determined to hold on until the bitter end - “What kind of freak doesn’t like sex?” - even its context attacked at her being, not allowing her to express herself without being outcast and dehumanised. Somehow sex was what made people human, it was this overarching and defining thing that she simply was never concerned with. She stopped and thought about Leah, who by now would have surely heard the news about her that had spread like a plague, she thought about how the two of them were so happy together without that, and scared herself with thoughts of how Leah might have just been waiting for her, expecting something, anything, more.

Unable to clear her head, Carla moved to pick up the phone as it rang for the eighth time, hesitating for a moment when she saw that it was Leah calling as if to prepare herself for the worst. With a swipe she picked up, nervous but ready.

“Carla! Thank god you picked up, I had no idea if you were alright!”

“Leah, I’m fine. I was just having some time to myself, it’s been a bit of a day today”

“I’ve heard, and bef-”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know how to explain to you how I felt. I didn’t want to risk the dynamic duo being broken apart by something I don’t even understand about myself.”

“Carla it’s okay, we don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but it’s late and I know you aren’t home. Come by mine if you want to talk, or just sit, I’ll make the hot chocolate.”

Carla was at a loss, Leah had never directly offered to make the hot chocolate for the

two of them; she usually set up whatever it was the pair were currently binge-watching. Leah wasn’t wrong though, it was getting late and the cold of night had begun to set in through Carla’s jacket whilst she lay on her car. A short journey would have her at Leah’s apartment, where the two of them could just enjoy some quiet company, something both of them found comfort in.

“I’ll be round in 10, but I might need more than a mug of hot chocolate to heat up and settle down”

“Slice of toast, slightly burnt, as usual?”

“With butter this time though, not in the mood for something too dry”

“It’ll be ready when you get here, which is…”

“Ten minutes, if I take the scenic route.”