#lostloveone

I can’t get my head around what happen to mom, there was never any signs she was having troubles, unless she held them from us. I try to think if there were signs from that Saturday, but I can hardly remember the last time I saw her face. It was that Tuesday she passed away, last text we were chatting about store closing and looking forward to the sales. I wish, like dad says, someone was there to help her even if the outcome was the same. I can’t get that day out of my head, the call from dad, the drive out home, the door being locked, the image, the coldness, and the moment my world crashed again. 

I seriously am thinking of selling my house and everything and leaving, I can’t do this death deal anymore. I struggle to realize mom isn’t here, she isn’t a call away, she isn’t there to go out and roam. Everything my family has done for me since that moment doesn’t seem enough to help me move on a little bit. I keep getting these moments where it feels my heart is dropping or something has left it. My head and heart are going crazy, it sucks that it’s been two weeks since she passed and the world never stopped, life kept going, we all were working, the “what if” keep running in my head, I sit at the grave every day, talk to her and cry, I can’t stop working, I can’t just rewind time to be there for her, I always told her I was there if she ever needed help and that day I couldn’t of done anything.