#lostandoverwhelmed

the autistic experience is saying ‘i feel sick’ about nearly everything but you don’t mean sick like nausea no it’s like you’ve suddenly become too big to stuff yourself inside your skin any longer and your eyes aren’t focusing properly and you’re leaking out of your ears and your fingertips are buzzing and you’re waaaaaay too warm but you’re definitely not going to throw up it’s not that type of sick even though you do feel a bit dizzy and you also feel out of breath but really you just don’t have space anywhere in between your ears right now or the ability to shape the correct words to explain to other people what’s happening and you don’t want to be a bother anyway and so instead you say that ‘i just feel sick’.

I can’t be who I want to be because I am who I am.

I am not my thoughts. so then what am i?

when you realise someone telling you to ‘do your best’ means trying as hard as your current capacity and environment will allow you to in that moment, and does not mean literally exhausting yourself mentally and/or physically to do the task to the best standard you can possibly make it no matter the cost to your time, health and well being …

How do people know the things they know about themselves? My sense of ‘self’ feels murky and restless, constantly shifting, battered about like seaweed in the waves of a ferocious world. I don’t understand how people settle on the land of themselves, build the hills they live upon, and feel content doing settling down there. Knowing that a different version of themselves could exist that they might be stifling unwittingly. And then seeing how they don’t seem to mind because they feel happy with who they are. With what they are. I’m so envious of that. Do we just get to choose who we are? (I am surely over complicating things.) I just can’t seem to pin myself down. And I want to know how others pin their ‘myself’ down, so that I might have a chance of doing so too.