#lost papers

No job interview, ‘cause they had a single day they were hiring.

No job, obviously.

Stuff dragged out and tossed everywhere.

Stuff put away but in a way that will have to be redone.

Stuff broken, bent, and generally mucked up from my frantic search.

Paper stuff, some ancient, drenched in sweat because I was having to do most of it a house with not only no cooling, but windows you can’t open, in a heat wave.

Two days of not working on things I needed to work on (ex. The plumbing) and ignoring the animals (poor Ryoga seems upset)

A crushing sense of failure and missed opportunity. Suppose this was my last chance for anything?

Obliterated hopes, as I’d foolishly imagined getting this job was likely.

Nights without sleep as I fretted over the problem and stewed in a self directed rage.

An obsession to find that damn card already!!

**sigh**

I know where I kept the card and remember exactly where the stains are on it from the clip in the lid of the metal lock box lid. ** I went right to get it and….it wasn’t there!

The card wasn’t in the box, or any of the other boxes we ever kept important papers. Or any of my wallets or purses, and I went through every one I ever owned. Or any drawer. Or chests, jewelry boxes, decorative tins, or the storage containers where I’ve stashed tons of personal stuff or papers I want to preserve.

I looked everywhere I could think of, sometimes even three times, sorting through the same dang papers in hopes I’d just missed it.

So…Did I accidentally get it in with the papers around Mom’s estate I let my brother take to his house? Is it just somewhere I missed here? Do I risk annoying them by asking them to search for it? Do I keep looking? Do I go through the same boxes or whatever a fourth time??

I mean, it doesn’t matter now. It’s too late for this job, and honestly I can’t remember the last time anyone ever needed to see it. TBH, I’m not sure anyone has. I memorized it as a teen, and I think I’ve only ever needed the number not the card. Besides, if I stop looking for it I might just stumble across it before I need it again…assuming I actually ever need it again.

But DAMN, now that I know it is missing I can’t let go of finding it!

pure, spiteful anger consumes me

as i search through the empty papers

trying to find a single memory 

But they’re gone

All the memories gone

the pain, the sadness, the hope

the tears, the knowledge

gone

torn out by a knowing hand

ignorant though, innocent- I think

but i have my doubts

why did it do this deed

and when and where did it happen

I’m so lost and so angry

Trying to act in a way that honors God

but i can only fool others

Deep inside I grieve I cry

not knowing how to bear this

I turn to my God but my anger acts

as a barrier allowing no peace 

or grace to pass through

on the tile floor I kneel

holding the sorrows in my hands

Me: It's at ### Can't-Find-The-Friggin-Paper Place

Hayley: XD for like two seconds I was trying to read that as a street name.

Looking back in time

seeing what was said

it stops everything inside

There would be moments where,

all it wanted was that message

that story, the tale, inside scoop

all of the random review

It just wanted

And I'm STILL not officially registered for this damn Health Science class!

I've been going to the class, doing the work, taking the tests, and following this whole process to go about special late registration...but a decision has not been made by Enrollment Management yet. Wanna know why? They can't find my paperwork. Of course, I made copies, so I'm covered. But still wth! Did yall really lose my stuff?? They won't say it, but I have a feeling they did. Anyway, I'm heading back to Vice Provost to see of anything has been decided yet cuz he made a copy of my copies to give to them again.