This grief has hands and it’s clawing at my throat.
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This grief has hands and it’s clawing at my throat.

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to the ones who love(d) me
1. you were my first “kiss” and it means nothing to me. i have been cruel to you but you have never been anything that i have wanted. i miss playing in the snow with you. we were innocent then. two very different worlds have shaped us. i am sorry. it is years later and i’m glad i’ve seen the person that you’ve become. i like to think that little me would be proud. in another life we are still friends. good luck.
2. my first everything. my first nothing. you will always reside in some part of my heart and i do not know if i want you to leave or not. sometimes you make tiny appearances in my life and i am grateful for them. however horrible you were to me cannot change the way i see you. from you i learned heartache, i learned it could mean two things. i was too young to understand either of them. we were a match made in heaven and burned in hell, i’ll always wonder if it were the opposite we could have known something more. you’re a beautiful, arrogant asshole, and i wish you the best of luck.
3. a waste. i was broken. beyond anything but desperate repair and so were you. how something so passionate came from that i’ll never know. i don’t regret it, i don’t cherish it. it was something that happened, and that was all it was ever meant to be.
4. we only knew a sad excuse for love, but you were a better person when we had it. thank you for cradling my pieces while you were still gentle.
5. i wasn’t special until i left you, and then you couldn’t get rid of me. we were always in love with eachother but never at the same time and i think that is how it is supposed to be. i would fall in love with you any day if you asked me but i think our distance is peaceful. it is years later and we are friends now. it’s nicer this way, but sometimes you still know how to tug at my heart strings.
6. you and i had all of the wrong timing and i promise you there is a world where i still love you. i’m sorry that i was unable to give you the world, i’m sorry for the person that you’ve become as a result. i hope you figure your heart out, but until you do, i am glad we are no more.
7. i thought we were worthwhile and for a time you were everything i loved. but falling out of love brought out a different part of you and i’ll never be able to see anything but that.
8. i cannot believe half of the things that we did, but i never wanted to love you. i’m sorry for breaking your heart but once i realized you weren’t the adventure i saw the first time we talked, i couldn’t stop thinking about leaving. freedom tastes sweeter than anything you could give me, but i hope that you can heal. it is several years later and i understand what you did to me. i hope you rot in hell.
9. you and i aren’t ever going to say it out loud but, this is the simplest form of two people loving each other. i don’t think i’ve ever wanted anybody more than i want you. watch wes anderson films with me while we make out under the stars and talk about a future we’ll never have.
10. you and i love each other and it’s not the kind of love you find easily. soulmates aren’t always meant to be romantic. it’s been a long time now and we have seen every side of each other. i hope we can find our way back to the good sides, in case we don’t, i love you.
11. Im sorry for everything weve done, everything I did to you. Im sorry that I was your first and that I left two days after. I cant make myself happy, I cant make you happy.
12. this is where you fit on the timeline of romance, but you and i have been in and out of love for years. our cycles are the single most painful thing i’ve been through, and i love you still. if we ever find our way back to eachother, know that we won’t ever work, but that i’d give anything for it to be different.
13. Who could have seen this coming? neither of us can hardly believe it. i fall easy for boys like you, but this time you’ve fallen too. i think there is a universal balance here, both of us infinitely collapsing into one another. for the first time you are the only one on my mind, and it is so refreshing. you are broken. i am trying. it isnt perfect. it doesn’t have to be. just stay with me. it is later now, and i have realized that you were never going to be the last one on this list. my heart aches for you and i hurt over how broken you are. i hope to god that you find your way. when i hear that you are unwell i shatter. you will always shatter me, but i hope we both heal.
14. is a good number to end on, it is your lucky number and it is double mine. maybe that’s how fate works. right now we are learning how to love and i’m glad that we found each other again. you have grown so much and i am trying to grow into goodness for you. never in a million years did i think that i would move across the country for someone, but here we are. i love you.
I wouldn’t be surprised if God called me by your name considering the amount of times I’ve prayed your name over mine.
The Cost of Being With Me

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we’re holding hands, kissing, you’ve had me in your bed but what you don’t know is that there’s a boy seven hundred miles away from here and i’m stuck dreaming about him while it’s your hand that i’m holding and it’s him that i’m thinking of when you’re shoving your tongue down my throat and
i’ve been through six of you but it’s still his name on my lips and
maybe it’s because i can’t have him, or because he’s everything you don’t want until you realize it’s what you need but he’s the kind of boy that you don’t think you like until he’s become the only thing you like and i’m sorry but i’d rather it be his hand.
-none of you last, but it isn’t your fault
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