#lossofson

Everything happens for a reason they say. Your death doesn't make sense but maybe there are some things surrounding your death that did happen for a reason.

The above picture is the last picture I took of you before you went to the hospital. It was one whole week before I had to take you in. This was Wednesday, March 22nd. This was a day that felt like it happened for a reason.

You met your brand new baby cousin Harlow. Then we rushed over to the dance studio to get Riley there in time for her Musical Theatre class and then Daddy was going to take you both home so I could stay for tap. But daddy had to take an important client call in the car with someone in another part of the world and that meeting ran WAY longer than he expected. So you and Riley hung out. You got to play with Paige (putting that hat on your head) you got to see Elise and Piper and you got in your snuggles with Miss Kelly.

Miss Jussara is the only person you’ve ever actually reached for when we’ve gone to the studio and like actually tried to get away from me when she came out of class. 

But Miss Kelly I knew you trusted. I could hand you to her and you would just instantly snuggle up with her no fight at all. Like she was family. You didn’t like most people but you had your ways of letting us know you were uncomfortable. With Miss Kelly you didn’t hide away in my shoulder as we approached her and you didn’t cling to me when I would pass you to her. You were comfortable with Miss Kelly. We also got to see her when we’d pick up Riley from school so you knew she was cool. Miss Cat was there, Miss Amanda was there, so many people - Miss Lucy was there telling me how Gabriella didn’t walk until she was about 21 months and look at her now she’s an incredible competitive dancer. Momma felt hope. We had time between Riley’s class and my class so we ran into Miss Jussara’s competitive ballet class and watched their ballet line rehearse their Alice in Wonderland ballet performance. You actually seemed really interested. You were in my lap so I couldn’t see your face but I could see you turn your head and watch where people were going and you seemed very relaxed.  

Daddy felt bad the meeting went as long as it did because Miss Kelly stayed late just to watch you so I could stay in class and Daddy could take his call. I told her she could have pulled me out of class but she didn’t want to. I wonder now if all of that was so you had a chance to be with people who you didn’t loved you since you were born. One last cuddle with Miss Kelly, one last class with Miss Jussara. One last (or in some cases first) hello to Riley’s friends.

Something that bothered me a lot was the day I brought you into the hospital. Everything happened so quickly. within a matter of minutes you were on a table with like 12 people in the room (specialists, doctors, nurses, “learners” in their respective fields) They were all pinning you down because somehow even with your limited amount of oxygen you were fighting like crazy. You did not want those IV’s you did not want that mask. They were blown away because they said for what your oxygen percentage was at they were surprised you were as conscious and responsive as you were. But that’s the thing right? you were fighting it for so long and we never knew. But I hate that the last time you saw my face you were fighting against so many people and all mommy was doing was holding your hand looking at you with fear.

When Mommy was out with Miss Amanda and friends.  Miss Amanda echoed some of Mommy’s feelings. Basically it was a difficult road to get you here, and we already lost a pregnancy before you why give us someone who would be destined to die before he was two? But also echoed the thought that we’d rather have two years with you than none at all.

But another thing she said took a bit longer to hit me but it’s been brewing over the weekend. How happy she was to hear we saw you open your eyes and move a bit the night the Bishop came. We were all hoping for a miracle and that this was the sign it was. But it was also the calm before the storm. Which something in my heart kept telling me. But when you opened your eyes again that evening and they put you in my arms so Daddy and I could talk to you and look you in the face we were so happy to see you after a week and a half of you unconscious. Miss Amanda said at least we got to do that before you went, she was happy the Bishop came to see you and we got to see your eyes one more time.

I had been mad actually that I got that much and nothing more. But over the weekend what Miss Amanda said sat with me. It wasn’t the miracle we wanted and I will never understand why you weren’t worth that miracle. People of different faiths across the city were praying for your recovery. You were anointed twice. The line “if love could have saved you, you would have never died” feels so true so I can’t understand.

But thinking about her words I realized we did get a miracle. The last time you saw my face Daddy was right next to me. And our faces were full of so much joy and gratitude and hope and love. Tearfully happy. and you were in my arms. You were safe and as comfortable as they could make you.  So I can sleep a little easier knowing that the last time you saw me was not standing helplessly while scary people poked and prodded at you but holding you in my arms talking and singing and smiling with Daddy right there. 

Mommy lied that I couldn’t find any twenty one pilots songs that help... sure maybe there isn’t a whole song but they just released their MTV Unplugged show so I sadly put it on and suddenly words started speaking to me again.

One that spoke to me was House of Gold. Tyler wrote the song for his mom. Things he would love to be able to give her. But where it hit me too was as I heard it come on I started singing it but the words coming out of my mouth turned into cries. When I caught my breath for a minute it was in time to hear him say the line. “I'll put you on the map, I’ll cure you of disease”. Our family has had a lot of fights with health or personal lives etc since you’ve been born. Mommy has some things I need to get tested that are likely not anything to worry about but could be something to worry about. So I’m anxious to get the test done to know that it isn’t something because our family can’t handle more grief. We’ve lost a few people over the last year, cancer has clutched on to someone in our family. And Msgr. reminding me that we have a direct line to God now in our family came back into my head with this song. Anyways it brought a lot of emotions because I wanted my son to be able to sing it with. I had learned it on ukulele and just loved the idea of a son loving his mother so much he’d do whatever he could to take care of his mom but then I began to wonder if I caught my breath and heard that line on purpose.

Today as I was sitting here writing this I was listening to my music and on came the intro commentary for House of Gold where Tyler shares that this is what he’d love to give his mom in life. The song didn’t play just the his intro. I felt like you were letting me know you were here for me.

Weirdly enough, I was at the doctors office yesterday. That’s a whole other story but one thing I said was that I was sure my blood pressure was up based on how I was feeling I was super puffy and feeling very much like I did when you were born. When you were born we were stuck in the hospital for 4 days because we couldn't get mommy’s blood pressure under control. 

Yesterday the doctor checked expecting it to be high from the stress of the last nearly month now and the anxiety I had going into the office in the first place.

It was low instead. Like really low. When you came into this world my heart swelled up with so much love my body couldn’t handle it. When you left this world my heart shattered and a part of me died.

House of Gold Twenty One Pilots

She asked me son when I grow old, Will you buy me a house of gold? And when your father turns to stone, will you take care of me? She asked me son when I grow old will you buy me a house of gold and when your father turns to stone, will you take care of me? I will make you queen of everything you see, I’ll put you on the map, I'll cure you of disease. Let’s say we up and left this town  and turned our future upside down We’ll make believe that you and me lived ever after happily