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Don't ever forget how fortunate you are or blessed that all your children are healthy, happy, and here with you. Unfortunately for parents to like me this is the only way I'll ever get to see my daughter play with her big brother. I love you Connor.
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Today my long awaited bundle of hope, my joy, my sunshine...my baby....was called away and grew it’s wings before joining us in the world. I never understood the pain of miscarriage until I felt it for myself.. I didn’t know how much I could love and grieve for someone I had not met yet. So much pain, both emotional and physical. I feel a bit broken to be honest. I feel angry. In my time I have encountered women who use drugs and birth addicted babies, and just continue on using and abusing their children, but get to keep, and ultimately know their babies. I will not be gifted that luxury. I did everything right. I did not smoke, I did not drink, I took not a single drug, was even relucant when it came to something is insignificant as a Tylenol and suffered through the discomfort in order to keep my baby safe. I made sure to take my vitamins each and every day, organic, Vegan vitamins even. I have totes filling my home with supplies and items that I bought for our baby. We worked so very hard to plan for this pregnancy and keep everything perfect. But in the end, none of it mattered. We shared our hapiness with the world, I have a baby registry and a baby shower had been planned. We had chosen fairy godmothers (in leui of godparents since we arent religious)...and now, instead of singing my baby to sleep tonight, I am cleaning blood soaked panties and sheets, wiping hot salty tears from my raw, swollen cheeks, holding what feels to be an empty void in my midsection. Nothing a single person says makes me feel better. I guess my hopes in sharing this is that, at least maybe one woman out there may find some comfort in knowing she isnt alone. That it’s okay to cry and stay in bed. It’s okay to not look your best. I couldn’t find it within me to care about anything today, not one single thing. I haven’t run a comb through my hair and I’m wearing the same clothes I wore into the ER yesterday. I can’t find the strength to even remove the hospital bracelet yet because I keep falling asleep on tear soaked pillows and waking up thinking maybe it was all a dream, that damn hospital bracelet is my ticket back to reality right now. Very few times in my life have I known such a pain. I don’t even know where to go from here.
