#lorichoi

Although it was years ago when she passed away, I still recall the that morning as if it had just happened yesterday. The memory was still fresh and clear in my mind, with every detail exact and vivid.

It was the middle of July when we received the news that my mother was sick. I remember my father took her to visit a doctor early one morning, leaving my brother, Aiden, and I in the care of our Uncle Brendan and Auntie Rachel. I was seven at the time and thought nothing of my parents' sudden leave. Neither did my brother. I didn't realize how that one morning would be the beginning of our lives turning upside down.

It was a little past noon when my parents returned to pick us up. However, when they arrived, they told us to go play with our cousins while they spoke to my aunt and uncle. There was something off about my parents though. Although they had soft smiles on their faces at the sight of me and my older brother, I remember my father's eyes being red and wet as if he had spent a long time crying or fighting back tears. My mother's smile had lost its brightness it usually held while the expression in her eyes show exhaustion and weakness. These emotions were so unfamiliar to me as a child; but looking back at it now, my ignorance back then probably saved my parents a lot of heartache. How were they supposed to tell their children that their mother - the one who gave birth to them, nurtured them, and loved them with all of her being - will no longer be part of this world in a matter of a few months? 

Life was a cruel thing. It was nothing for a child at the age of seven to understand. By the time two months had passed, my mother was gone.

On the morning she passed away, my brother and I weren't allowed to see her in fear that the sight of my mother would hurt us too much. Although I had no clue on what was going on at the time, it seemed like my brother did seeing that not once did he let go of my hand as we watched the many people go back and forth inside our home. It wasn't until later that night when my father and I were finally alone when I asked the dreaded question, "Where's mama?"

That night was the first and only time I have ever seen my father breakdown.

Her funeral was a week or so later. Our families from both sides along with close family friends came to pay their respects and to murmur their last goodbyes to my mother. It was a beautiful service thanks to help of my mom's best friends. They made sure that flowers were set everywhere around the chapel, especially marigolds - my mother's favorite. Of course, music was played between prayers thanks to the accompaniment of a family friend of my parents who was more than willing to provide it without cost. Overall, I think my mom would have been pleased with how it turned out.

By this time, I understood my mother wasn't coming back. But although I understood, it didn't keep my soft sobs and hiccups from escaping my throat as I helplessly watched as they began to lower my mother's casket into the lush ground. I felt a grip tighten over my small hand only to see that it was Aiden finally letting out sobs of his own - aching for this reality to only be a bad dream like I did. As I quietly looked around, I noticed that even my father had tears brimming in his eyes though he forced himself to keep himself together for the sake of me and my brother. At this realization, I only felt my cries suddenly wail louder. The last thing I remember from that day was my father holding me tightly as I screamed out for my mom to come back to us. None of us were ready to let her go.

She was only thirty-one years old when she died. It was all too soon.

That day was a little over fifteen years ago and here I am standing in the very spot my mother was laid to rest. A soft smile crossed my lips as I noticed that the grave was cleaner than it should be, allowing me to believe that maybe my brother or father had visited sometime in the week before I did. Holding the small bouquet of marigolds in my arms, I rested on my knees and sat against the cold grass - feeling a slight dampness from its morning dew slightly growing against the denim legs of my jeans. Carefully unwrapping the bouquet and placing it into the water filled cone that was pinned into the ground, I fixed the flowers quietly as if trying to arrange them to her liking.

"Hi mom..." I murmured quietly under my breath, feeling a bit silly speaking those words out loud when she wasn't physically there to hear me. Though with nobody around to actually hear me, it made speaking out in the open to her grave a bit easier. "It's been a while, right? I'm sorry I haven't been able to visit you..."

I drew my hands away from the flowers and rested them on my lap, biting my lower lip in thought before continuing. "A lot of things happened since the last time I spoke to you. I don't know where to begin.... It's my birthday today." I mentioned with a small laugh. "I'm twenty-three now, though I sure you remember. You were always the one who was able to keep track of birthdays unlike dad. You know how he is with dates." I feel my throat tighten slightly as I spoke to her, causing me to clear it so I could continue.

"Dad and Aiden are fine. Dad is still working hard and Aiden is still being as stubborn as ever." I laughed. "He still won't find someone to settle down with, but you probably knew that too... They both visit you more often than I do so I'm sure you know how they are doing... They miss you a lot though. I miss you too..."

Tears begin to brim my eyes while regret began to burn in my chest at this realization. Was I really too busy with my own life to not have time to visit my own mother? I sniffed slightly as I felt my face grow hot against the contrasting cold air. A small smile reappeared on my lips.

"Mom, did you know that I'm getting married?" I asked, growing a bit excited at bring able to tell my mother the good news. My smile turned a bit brighter. "You're probably wondering who it is, right? Remember that boy who loved next door to us? Marcus? I'm going to be marrying him, mama. Real soon. Maybe I'll bring him next time so you can see how much he's grown too... You would be so proud of us, mom."

It was then my tears finally begin to fall, the warm liquid streaming down my cheeks as my nimble fingers played with the engagement ring that rested on my left hand. 

"I wish you here..." I whispered, afraid that if I spoke any louder that my voice would crack from the strain. "I wish you were here to see my wedding, mom... I wish you were here to hug me like you used to... To smile and laugh like how I remember you. Am I being too selfish as a daughter to ask for such a thing?"