#lopti

At the moment my patron deities are

-The Morrigu

-Orcus (Etruscan version of Hades)

-Lopti

-Persephone

-Ananse

-Venus

-Morpheus

-Annnd Apollon

Lopti Returns!  Man - I am SO quirky.  ANYWAY!  Check out my new consulting gig with Color Street and see how you can get EPIC, beautiful nails within 5 minutes.  These things are SO worth bragging about.  Watch the video here, and shop here!  You won’t be disappointed. 

Soooo, after urging from multiple followers (and some persistent urging from SOMEONE *ehem*JJ*ehem*), I decided to give Patreon a go.  This is all new to me, soooo, forgive me if it’s a bit weird for the time being.  Hahah. It will be tweaked as need be as time passes on!  :D  But for the time being, you can see it HERE: https://www.patreon.com/Lopti

Can I vent here?  I never know where to vent, because I’m not one of those people who posts everything on facebook for all of her friends and family to see.  So... instead, I’m going to vent on Tumblr, to a bunch of people I hardly know. Lol.  A friendly warning - if you don’t want to read a long, sad, pathetic post, skip on by this one.

I hate what this brain aneurysm has done to me.  It has effected SO MUCH MORE than anyone seems to understand, and sometimes, it just hurts to even think about.  No one understands me anymore.  No one gets what I’m going through.  And while some people try, it just feels like people assume that just because I look “OK” means I’m perfectly fine. 

I’m depressed.  Can you tell?  Lol.  But how could I not be?  My entire world was turned upside down in less than a second.  I’m exhausted now.  All the time.  When I get home from working 6 hours, all I can do is lay down for a ridiculously long time, because I have literally spent every bit of energy I have to spend.  I have things I want to do.  I HATE being stuck in the house all the time.  But what else can I do, when I literally feel too worn out to get off the couch most evenings?  :( 

And then there are the things that I have to give up.  I can no longer have children of my own.  Why?  Because the increased blood-flow during pregnancy frequently kills women with aneurysms.  I could literally bleed to death internally.  There are other, smaller things I have to give up too.  Like, I’ll never be able to ride a roller coaster again.  Or see scary movies.  Or drink alcohol.  Or go skydiving (a long time bucket list goal of mine).  Or drink caffeine (and I LOVE coffee). Etc.  There are so many things.  I’m only 26.  I can’t help but feel like this is just unfair.  Normal people don’t have to deal with these things at my age.  And it honestly makes you feel really alone.

My emotions are permanently damaged.  Like, sometimes I cry for no reason, and other times I can’t feel anything when I really should.  And did I mention that I can’t sleep without taking medication anymore?  Apparently the place in my brain that tells you to sleep got damaged, and now I... just don’t sleep!  Without a pill, that is.  A very strong pill, that causes a million side effects.  Yay meds...

I stutter now.  Like... a lot.  I get hung up on simple words.  I forget things CONSTANTLY.  My hands shake all day.  And sometimes, I think I’m still in shock.  The last 4 months don’t feel real.  Will they ever?  I don’t know.  But when I think about it too long, I feel like passing out. 

AND... there’s still a 30% chance that they’ll have to do a full craniotomy.  Yes, that’s right - opening up my entire skull to get into the center of the brain and clip the aneurysm.  And there’s a high chance I will develop MORE aneurysms.  So this isn’t a one time event to worry about.  Nooo, this is the rest of my life that we’re talking about.  And the worst thing is... people don’t get it.  They expect me to be the me they used to know.  Sadly, that girl isn’t me anymore.  I have brain damage.  I’m messed up.  I want things to be normal again, but they never will. 

My boss doesn’t get it.  I had to fight with my doctor to even be allowed to work 30 hours a week, because I wanted to feel like I had something of importance left in my life.  He reluctantly agreed to let me work the 30 hours... but my boss is ticked at me because I can’t be full time yet.  I honestly think I would literally fall over if I had to stay any longer than I do currently.  But they hold it over my head, like I’m not a good employee anymore, just because I leave two hours before everyone else.  I didn’t ask for this.  And the people who make silly remarks, like, “Oh, I WISH I could work your hours!” need to think about what I had to live through to need those hours.  And those people who keep saying things like, “Oh, you’ll be back to normal in no time!” need to realize that while I will get ‘better’, I will never be 'normal’ again.  This is a life long event.  My life expectancy has been shortened.  I will never be able to do normal, basic human things.  

For those of you who didn’t know, I suffered a nearly fatal Brain Aneurysm rupture early on this year.  I have been posting about it a little on my facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/Lopti.somelikeitblue?ref=hl), but I thought I should let you all know as well!  I was in ICU for 14 days and in the hospital a total of 16 days.  While I’m doing MUCH better than expected, I’m still not back to normal, which can be frustrating.  But I’m starting to get back to my old self, slowly.

When I got to the hospital, they told me I only had three hours to live.  Not only that, they also told me I only had about a 20% chance to recover.  Thanks to God and amazing surgeons, I overcame all the odds and have been slowly regaining strength ever since.  But since it is also a stroke, I have some odd neurological issues that I have to deal with on a daily basis.  Some of those may never get better... but we’re all hoping for the best!

I just want everyone to know how IMPORTANT it is to get checked for aneurysms, especially if someone else in your family has had one.  About 60% of people whose aneurysms rupture die, and a large portion of those remaining are paralyzed forever.  It’s a miracle that I can still be independent to some extent.  The problem with aneurysms is... most don’t have any symptoms until they rupture.  Which is why it is critical to catch them before they rupture!

Hello ladies (and gentlemen who are into fabulous fingernails)!!!  You are all invited to attend my online Jamberry party on the 12th!  I’ve recently become obsessed with Jamberry nail wraps.  Why, you ask?  Well, for starters, they are pretty, with so many options, but there's so much more.  They've helped me overcome my lifelong habit of nail biting, they are easy to use, smell free, AND they help strengthen your nails, so you can grow them longer!  ^_^ 

Anyway!   Over the weekend, I plan to make a video of how to apply them, so check back for that if you're not sure about this whole process.  Otherwise, go right ahead and RSVP to the party, and we'll have a good time come the 12th!