#looper 2012

“I missed a bunch of calls from him, and now he won’t pick up.” You clear your throat, trying to disguise the tremble in your voice. You couldn’t shake the feeling, the instinct. You didn’t know why, but you knew. Something was very very wrong.

“Should I be worried?” Joe asked. You could throw something. At him preferably.

You swallow your indignation. “I don’t know, Joe. I don’t— just let me know if you hear from him, okay?”

You don’t give him a moment to reply, ending the call, and moving to dial Seth again. Against your better judgement, you plead under your breath, manifesting hope into the quiet air. It could be nothing. Everything could be fine. Generally, missing a few calls from Seth wasn’t a big deal.

Seth, by nature, was a drama queen. Bothering you all the time about any thought that entered his head. He ran out of hair gel. Joe likes baseball. He tried papaya and wasn’t a fan. Is he doing his eyeliner right? He bought a bike. A girl at the Belle was making eyes at him, he was sure. He lost his coat. He made an extra silver today. He missed you. All equally urgent, by his standards at least.

You didn’t mind, didn’t mind you were the first person he wanted to tell, no matter how inconsequential. Maybe it was selfish, but it made you feel special, even if the attention he wanted was from girls at the Belle. He didn’t belong to you. But it had started to mean everything that you had this moment with him, this time and this space, when he chose over and over to look to you.

But these days, with the number of loops closing lately, you were nervous. Death felt like it was on the tip of every Looper’s tongue. Cooper and Red. If you could just get ahold of him, just hear his voice to soothe you. You’d let him coo about how worried you sound, and you’d tease that once Kansas City was behind you, he’d really have to get a new emergency contact.

“Indie?”

You look up, phone still in your hand, ringing into nowhere. There’s a shadow you notice now, in the room, moving slowly towards you. His voice is soft, and you aren’t frightened anymore.

“Seth, thank god.” You move to the wall, to the light switch, so you can see him, meet his eyes and feel the tension slough off your shoulders. He was okay. Everything was okay again. “Standing in the dark, you look like—”

The room lights up, a yellow glow bathing you both. You stare into his face, disbelief sticking to your tongue, the fear back upon you like some feral animal. His muddy green eyes stare back at you, but his hair is short, grey, his face wrinkled and weary. Seth, but thirty years older.

“—a ghost.” You whisper, your mind clouding with panic. He let his loop run.

He’s earnest, hands out, palms up passively. “I don’t mean to scare you.”

You feel like crying, looking at him, listening to him. You can’t think straight. 

“What’s happening?” Your voice trembles, and he grimaces softly.

“I’m so sorry. He is too, that’s why he didn’t come to you first.”

Deep breaths. You’ll have time to be overwhelmed later. You swallow hard, searching his face, turning critical. You’ve got to be smart about this, focused. “You remember this? You know where he is?” 

He nods. “I came to tell you. And I,” He pauses, looking over you slowly, as if memorizing you in this moment. You feel strangely vulnerable beneath his gaze. He shakes his head. “He’s at Joe’s, hiding under the floor.”

“Are you—is he safe?”

His face falls, solemn. “No. They have Joe; he’ll sell him out.”

You pocket your phone, moving your hand through your hair, looking away. Processing. Planning. You clear your throat. “Why would he do that? He’s Seth’s best friend.”

“They know things about him. He’s afraid.” Your putting your coat back on, gathering a few things, first aid, change of clothes, water etc, your ear still with future Seth. An anger burns in your face at his words.

“I don’t care if he’s afraid.” You breathe hard, meeting his eyes. “I would never do that to you.”

His smile is small, without the arrogance or the brim of a laugh that you’re used to with Seth. And yet.

“I know.” He says quietly.

He looks sad, watching you. He reaches up to pull at his ear, a nervous habit you’ve seen a million times before. Seth sitting in your apartment, chuckling about something stupid, pulling on that damn ear. Seth hovering behind you, making doubly sure you’d make your way home alright, before joining the boys at the bar. Seth staring at you, mouth dry, when you had him vet a new dress you’d bought for the Belle, navy and sleeveless. 

If he kept insisting you come along with him, you figured you might as well have something nice to wear. You remember laughing at his sheepish expression, before he remembered who he was talking to, and starts to banter normally again. Something gold flashes against the light as future Seth pulls on that ear, and your breath catches.

It’s stupid, and far from the priority, you know. But you can’t help it.

“You’re married?”

He freezes, looking at his own hand, at the ring slowly. His smile widens. “Yes. Eventually. Takes a while to be, worthy, ya know.”

“I’m happy for you.” You return a smile, holding back sudden tears. You hope that the life this Seth came from, was a happy one. You fantisize for a moment, imagining you might be a part of it. Feeling so strongly then, that you want to be apart of it. He looks over the ring, his expression far away.

You shake yourself lightly, collecting your thoughts, clearing your throat to get his attention again. Your eyes meet, and you nod, smile smaller but more genuine. “Time is of the essence.”

“Be safe.” He says, his expression falling slightly.

“Of course.”

He nods, his gaze searching your face. There’s an awkward silence, anxiety nipping at your heels, thinking desperately of your Seth. You had no idea what to do once you’d found him, but you knew it would be better once you were together again. But you don’t move at first. Maybe because you know, somehow, this man in front of you is also your Seth, and you can feel there’s something he wants to say.

He stalls, at a loss, it seems.

“Shit,” you mutter suddenly, “Are you going to be okay? Where will you go?”

He swallows, focuses. “I’ll find my way. You don’t have to worry about me. I’m smarter than I look.” He chuckles. “Promise.”

You laugh a little with him, a fragile hope welling up at the look on his face. Maybe everything would be okay. Eventually. 

“Just in case you need anything, remember I’m here. You remember my number?”

You turn to write it down quickly, but he reaches out, fingers brushing your wrist, stopping you. “I remember.”

Warmth floods your chest, a kind of embarrassment, shading your cheeks. His hands take ahold of yours, squeezing softly, his goodbye. You feel strangely choked up as he stands so close to you.

This was your third loop and it still didn’t help the monotony of your everyday situation. Just as you pull the body away, two men in a red convertible pull up next to you.

One of the men is floating a coin in his hand, a TK as they were called.

“Nice trick, bet it works on women pretty well.”

“I dunno, you tell me. Is it working?” He cocks a smirk up at you.

“Yeah, I’d say so. Could I get a lift? I’m off to see the Gat Man.”

The man with the ponytail and floating coin motions to the back of the car. You hop in behind him, your fingers touching the hair pulled back at the back of his neck.

“So, you two boys loopers too? Tough business, ain’t it?”

“It’s fine once you get used to it. You’re new, right?”

“Mmhm, yeah I am.”

The man in front of you touches your hand behind his seat, his fingers stroke it softly.

“Just stick with us, kid. We’ll take care of you.”

The mystery men drive you to an unknown location. Inside is the boss that you share, a weaselly man with greasy gray hair.

He scanned the men before bringing them into the office, a few loud smacks later and they came out. The man with the ponytail was holding his hand, his shoulder and hand bloody.

“Alright, Seth. You’ll be fine.” His friend reassures him. They look up when they feel your presence.

“Everything okay?”

“No, Seth got beat up pretty bad. The Gat Man seems to have taken out some of his anger on him. He didn’t do shit and he still got hurt.”

“Joe, it’s fine. I’ll be alright. Just lemme go to a doc.”

“I could help you if you want. I can sew pretty well and I’ve done stitches before.”

“Thanks toots. We loopers have to stick together.” The man’s friend, who you now know to be Joe, pats your shoulder as he leads you both back to the convertible.

———————————————————

You turn on the lights in your apartment as you lead Seth through the door. With your guidance, he sits down on your couch as you bust out your first aid kit.

The cut on his shoulder looked much worse than the wound on his hand so you decided to start there. He slowly took off his shirt and jacket, setting them down next to you.

Your faces were mere centimeters apart as you began to sanitize and clean the wound before sewing it shut.

He winces each time the needle went through, you could tell this was the first time he’d ever gotten stitches.

You made quick work of the wound on his hand before handing him back his shirt.

“There, all done.”

He smiles as he touches the bandage on his shoulder.

“Thanks a lot, really. Thank you.”

He smiled up at you as he finally let his hair down from the ponytail that it was in. You couldn’t help but blush as you looked at the reddish-brown strands of hair. His green eyes bore into you as you bit your lip.

“So uh...what now? What do you wanna do?”

He shrugs. “Dunno, we could fuck?”

Your head snaps to him as he decides to tempt you further by lighting and floating a nearby candle. You mentally curse yourself for being so gullible as you saunter towards him, locking the door behind you.

————————————————-

As you bask in the afterglow of the mind blowing sex you just had, you can’t help but smile fondly at the man who befriended you so easily. You could tell that he only had Joe to depend on, and even then you wouldn’t count on Joe as being the helpful type.

Life as a Looper was a very dog eat dog world, and you were just starting to get the hang of it.

“So that’s what sex with a TK is like. That was really fucking mind blowing.”

You laugh as you run your thumb over his arm that was wrapped around your waist.

“Well thanks, glad you enjoyed it. I did too. Did you see when the candles were floating? I didn’t even know I could do that.”

He smirks as he stares at the ceiling, falling onto his back.

“Does this mean that you’re a part of my loop now? If I get to have sex everyday until my contract is over, that’d be pretty sick.”

“Yeah I think so. I’m pretty pumped for that, I want you in my life.”

He sends you a wanton gaze as you nod.

“I want you in my life too.”

Neon lights danced enticingly on the walls. They cast hypnotic shadows on the floor and grazed over the crowd of partying people. A man watched in fear as he tried to worm his way through the crowd, eyeing a woman as she practically glided across the floor to get to him. In her hands was a shotgun, on her back was a sledgehammer, tied around her waist was a holster with knives and handguns. All these things were given to her by his company.

Marian Drysdale. M, to some, and to her enemies and employers… Bloody Mary.

She was taken into the Looper program nearly five years ago, and she hadn’t disappointed. She was a special case, someone with connections and someone who liked to chase down her targets rather than shoot someone who was tied up. It took time to convince them to let her do such a thing, of course, the mob wasn’t fond of letting people slip through their grasp, but when she performed well, she was put in the field.

2

“Eat shit, Maroni! You’re on my fucking list!” The man’s convertible car whizzed by her, the man flicking her off while smiling. She wasn’t worried about how she spoke to men like that, mostly because she knew she wouldn’t get in trouble, and if they tried to retaliate… she had her ways of stopping that.

She turned around, glaring at the man behind her.

“You too, Plainview, now get the fuck outta here before I knock you on your ass.” She spat, shoving her finger in the sniveling man’s face. He skirted along the wall, trying his best to get away from the aggressive woman, despite how much shorter she was compared to him.

“Marian!” She turned around, and the man she was harassing ran off in the other direction, huffing about how he couldn’t believe his friend left him. Marian could, she knew Maroni was a piece of shit who wasn’t worth anything. Coming down the sidewalk was a taller man with shoulder length brown hair. He wore a jean jacket over a button down shirt, which was a contrast to his usually more expensive wardrobe. Marian couldn’t help but smile.

“Oh, hey Seth.” She sighed. His eyes were focused on the fleeing man in the background, but he knew she’d explain sooner or later. Her hands were in her pockets now as her whole demeanor changed.

“What’s up?” She asked.

“Just felt like stopping by.” He answered, and she couldn’t help but fight the smile that was threatening to break. She tilted her head slightly in playful curiosity.

“That’s it?” She asked, knowing that he wasn’t just there to say hi. He smiled and looked down as he let out an airy laugh.

“I figured you’d wanna see my new bike.” There it was. She nodded enthusiastically, practically grabbing his hand in excitement.

Marian and Seth were a close duo. Their relationship could be attributed to the both of them being active field agents for the mob, but if they hadn’t bonded on that first mission, they wouldn’t be quite as close. As they strolled down the street, her holding onto his arm and resting her head on his shoulder, anyone would assume they were in a loving relationship.

Yet, they were, to date, not.

Seth was more of a free spirit (his words, not hers). He would go where he wanted and do what he wanted… until Joe was around. Marian had never seen someone change so quickly, and she noticed this change almost immediately. He wasn’t the same man she knew from their first mission, or from when they were just hanging out. He was interested in living fast and picking up whatever girl that was around. He leaned on Joe like he leaned on her, and despite what she might have felt for Seth, she knew that she was no different from his other friends. Marian didn’t believe in love, but she suspected that if it were real, it would be how she felt when she was alone with Seth.

Marian, on the other hand, was a nonchalant trust fund baby with family in the mafia she worked for. She acted like she didn’t have a care in the world, because why would she? She has every safety net she needs in life. Of course, Seth often played off of that part of her personality. He knew of the other sides of her, the more vulnerable ones, but she wasn’t one to show those often, not even to him. She wasn’t one to let her guard down - she could thank her parents for that - and even though she cared about Seth, she wouldn’t let him know that.

They approached the hovering vehicle and he could practically feel the excitement radiating off of her. She all but skipped toward the bike, taking long glances at it to get a good idea of what he bought. She noticed something off and she had to bring it up.

“How much did this cost?” She asked, which only made him laugh.

“A lot.” He answered as honestly as he could. She shook her head and stood up, brushing off her legs in the process.

“The start-up component’s a little off from the looks of it.”

“What does that mean?” He asked, his voice bordering on nervous. She looked him in the eye, and he felt weak all of a sudden. He liked to act cool and callous, but sometimes he couldn’t help but be reminded of why he really hung out with her. Neither of them would admit it, but they loved each other on a deeper level than either of them understood.

In two weeks time, this would become clear to Marian.

“It probably broke a while ago and some idiot tried to fix it and did a shitty job.” She explained, and he slowly nodded.

“So it’s broken?” She shook her head again.

“Not yet, but I’d take it easy with this thing for now. It could break down at any second.” She explained while crossing her arms. He nodded again and ran a hand across his mouth.

“Well, looks like I’m not going anywhere on this for a while.” He stated dryly. She looked around at the streets which were crowded with all sorts of people, and she knew some of them wouldn’t bat an eye at taking apart Seth’s bike for a few extra bucks. Hell, she was sure that’s how the start-up component got messed up in the first place.

“I don’t think you have much of a choice here, big guy. There’s some shady shit on this part of town and you brought it all this way already, might as well go a couple of extra blocks to get to my place.” She offered, which seemed to brighten his demeanor a bit. She fought the urge to playfully role her eyes, but she knew one way or another they were going to end up doing what he was thinking. It happened every other time he came over, so what’s the difference this time?

“You got a garage over there?” He asked as he climbed onto the bike.

“Seth, I think we both know that my place has more than just a garage.” She suggested, getting behind him on the obviously broken down bike and wrapping her arms around him. She wondered for a moment who swindled him and got him to buy what was obviously not a new bike. She gave it a year (if he took good care of it and kept people away) tops.

It took a few tries to get the bike moving, but when it started up she felt the familiar thrill she loved.

3

“Fuck…” She groaned as he rolled off of her and to the place beside her. She wasn’t surprised in the slightest that this happened, and a little part of her was happy it did. As she curled up next to him, resting her head on his chest, she couldn’t help but think about how she wanted more than just this. He was her best friend, and that was more than what she could have asked for, but deep down she knew she loved him.

His heart was breathing loudly in her ear, and she never wanted to let go of him. He was barely awake, but he could feel her hands tracing along his chest. He could feel as her fingers intertwined with his. He held her just a little bit closer, and although it hardly made a difference, they both noticed. He liked the way she felt when she was curled into his side like that, and her heart nearly burst at the gesture.

She wondered if this was truly what it was like to care deeply about another person. She never had the right kind of people in her life, they weren’t the kind to teach her these things about life. In fact, they did quite the opposite. Her family only taught her that people had ulterior motives and men wouldn’t stick around in your life unless they were related to you (and even then there was never a guarantee that they would). Seth was starting to prove them wrong, because despite every time he changed around other people, despite how many times he pretended not to care, he was still her best friend, and he still came back every time she was afraid he’d leave.

She wasn’t one to act like a man was the only thing in her life, she witnessed that kind of behavior first hand thanks to her mother, but she did fear that Seth would get bored one day and leave.

He was in her life, and that was more than she could ask for.

“Shit, what time is it?” He groaned, looking over at the clock on her nightstand.

“Almost five.” She answered, and he jumped up. “What’s up?” She continued as he pulled on his pants.

“I don’t have time to run home…” He muttered. She gave another confused glance as she grasped the blanket closer to her chest.

“Sorry, Mary, I gotta meet up with Joe.” He said as he searched the room for his shirt.

“If you look in the top drawer over there I have some of the clothes you left over here.” Marian told him, pointing at her dresser nonchalantly. He nodded and quickly marched over to the drawer, rummaging through it as he pulled out vaguely matching clothes, as well as a tie. He looks down at the items in his hands.

“That drawer was full-”

“You leave a lot behind…” She trailed off. He looked back at her with what she could only interpret as pity. She was upset, it wasn’t too obvious, but she was upset. She wanted to spend the rest of the night with him, but she didn’t like or get along with Joe very well.

She thought Joe was a selfish prick, one who had friends but didn’t really give a shit about them. They obviously butt heads a few times before, although she didn’t think Seth knew, and she only hoped he wouldn’t offer her to go with him. She would’ve wanted to, really, but she couldn’t stand the idea of having to be around Joe (and a different Seth at that).

“Is this good?” He asked, turning around to show the all black attire with a blue tie. His hair was a mess, and there was something off putting about the outfit. She glanced at her closet.

“You left a blazer here a couple weeks ago, too. It’s in the closet but it’s this weird silver color but if you want-”

“Oh, yeah. Yeah… sounds good.” He muttered as he pushed her clothes out of the way. He pulled out the larger coat and held it up, not bothering to look at her.

“That’s the one.” She answered, knowing he was asking her if that was what she was talking about. He took one glance at it before shrugging and pulling it off of the hanger.

“It’ll do… how do I look?” He asked turning around to face her, his arms out as if he was waiting to hug her. She pressed her lips into a thin line and grabbed a hair tie from her nightstand before getting up and making her way to his well-dressed form. She reached up, though he was so much taller than her, and brushed his hair back.

“I know you don’t like tying your hair back but,” she began as she pulled his hair into a ponytail. “Your hair looks like a rat’s nest right now and I doubt you wanna walk out like that.” She finished as she stepped away from him. He looked down at her with nothing but fondness in his eyes, yet she wouldn’t notice this.

“Thanks.” She smiled, fighting back the urge to say every thought that came to mind.

As she watched him walk out the door, she didn’t realize this would be the last time she saw Seth as he was. This would be the last time she could talk with him and enjoy his company, and it was the last time she would have the opportunity to tell him how she felt and have him respond.