#long..

i dont think i will ever own a snake due to many reasons but when you imagine me i hope you imagine a snake with me. preferably leisurely crawling over my shoulders.

i thought i saw a ghost but it was just my hair..

i think my dad getting sick was what changed it for me.. because i became hyper aware of having to accept the role i play in the life i live now and i had to leave that behind me or i wouldn’t be able to function or help anyone sense being so immersed in being held up by being that ‘ciel’ part of me was no longer working. id have moments of protecting my siblings and holding that person to me as a reminder almost like a weapon to the reality of it too. alot of kinning for me especially when it comes to ciel was putting that older sibling form into a person so i could see someone or something when i looked in the mirror but when it all went down and i really started to watch my baby siblings no longer be able to be protected by what was happening, it fell through and ciel stopped having the power to be there anymore because he wasnt strong enough. so it became me having to put that part of me behind and accept i wasnt able to protect my siblings from all the trauma of my dad being sick and them being in the other room when he shot himself. i couldn’t control anything anymore and that put me in such deep shit because i saw ciel as being able to control everything and that gave him power to me but then it suddenly wasnt so that entire year of my dad being sick was me having to put that mask down and accept i have to be stronger than ciel and that its time in my life i can no longer stand beside that image of him because i passed it. its weird

ughhhh this college registration thing is really... eugh