I am someone that likes to reminisce a lot. Lots of things fill me with nostalgia, and I love to indulge myself in feelings of nostalgia. There’s also plenty of times in which I wish I could go back in time and relive my years as a child. However, when I think about it...I realize that’s not really something I’d like to go back to. Yes, I had some good times as a child, but I kind of forced myself to forget some of the things that happened to me as a child so that I can look more fondly upon my childhood. The way I look at it, I’ve been bottling my emotions for years and my past memories pile up on each other, and I try to remember good things over bad things, so all of the bad things are at the very bottom of that bottle. I try not to look towards the bottom of this bottle to uncover things that have happened to me, but the truth is that I’ve been really wondering what’s wrong with me lately. It’s like, I have these good memories, but here I am now. Why am I such a sad person now? Why do I manage to get depressed even on my happiest of days? I haven’t really tried to understand why I am the way that I am. I’ve just let bad things happen to me. Maybe I feel like I deserve to have bad things happen to me. I certainly haven’t wanted to try and reach into my bottled up emotions to find out what’s wrong with me. Throughout the course of my life, I have met with three different counselors to try and find out what my psychological problems are. The last counselor I met with was when I was around the age of 15 or 16. With these counselors, things didn’t work out. I didn’t realize how against I was with the idea of digging up things from my past. When the counselors asked me questions, I answered, “I don’t know.” most of the time. I wasn’t willing to look inside myself to find what was wrong. Recently, this is something that’s really been weighing me down. I feel like I’m starting to get somewhere in life now, but I’ve still been really confused about certain things about myself, so I finally did it. By myself, I managed to remember things. I remembered every time my parents fought. I remembered staying up all night to wait for my mom to get home. I remembered feeling relief when my mom got home, and I was able to fall asleep while my dad would yell at her while she was in a state that I didn’t understand. I remembered all the things I was naive about. I remembered how much escapism was in my life as a child. I remembered the times when I tried to run away home (I would pack up my things, but I wasn’t able to even make it out the front door.) I remembered how afraid of my dad I was. I also remembered how many times I got my hopes up with my parents being together and separating and getting back together and separating again. My mom lied to me about a lot of things. I think this is how I developed trust issues, and I certainly have issues with girls because of my mom, especially since she’s been one of the only females in my life that I’ve known. I’ve also remembered other experiences I’ve had that explain why I’ve felt certain ways about certain things throughout my life. What I’m trying to say here though is that I feel like I understand myself a bit better now. Although, now that I can understand some of my problems, I don’t really know what to do with this information. The truth is that I’m a negative person and I’m depressed a lot. I think I’m just a mess of a human being. Even if I’ve identified why I’m a piece of trash, I don’t know how to stop being a piece of trash. It does feel like I’ve been making progress in recent years. I’m still in college. I’m close to finally getting my driver’s license. I may be able to work at my first job soon. Even with all that, I don’t feel proud of myself. I can’t help but look at other people and see how much better they’re doing than I am and how much better they are than me. Something I really need in my life is friendship, but it’s really hard to try and become friends with someone when I constantly feel unworthy of anyone’s friendship. Why would anyone waste their time with someone like me? I’m not a good person. What’s even worse is that I have no confidence so I can’t even pretend to be a good person. I don’t know how to gain confidence. I still don’t even really know how to communicate with people that well. Even if I could communicate, why would someone want to be associated with such a negative person? I can tell some good jokes sometimes, but I’m not consistent. Sometimes, I think I’m supposed to be alone. I think I function better when I’m alone. Some of the best times of my life were times that I spent by myself. So, with all this information, I can understand now why I’m messed up, I don’t believe there’s hope of me getting better, and I think being alone is where I’m supposed to be in life. Another thing I’ve learned now is that I would not like to go back to my childhood. Now I’m tired and starting to lose my train of thought. I’ll just stop typing now.
