Apr 9, 2017
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Earlier tonight I had a strange feeling flowing through me. Borne of basic existential thoughts and fueled by deepening introspective thoughts, I sure felt weird. It was a confused ball of overlapping emotion; I wanted to cry and cheer and jump off a building and high-five the next person I saw. I felt hopeless and warm and lonely and loved. Everything was blurry and transparent and solid and concrete. Nothing made complete sense.
The only thing is now it’s gone. I blame math.
It’s weird to think about something that you felt but being unable to recreate it, or barely even remember it. Now I can remember only some of the things I thought about, but they’re merely summaries; outlines to a forgotten speech in a darkened auditorium. It’s like having a movie on in the background and then suddenly looking up and catching the fade-to-black before the credits appear. What happened to all of that emotion? Were you feeling things you weren’t even aware of? Should you just start the movie over? Will that remind you of your emotions? (The movie plays over and over; eventually you forget to feel altogether. Those same chemicals in your brain get tired of visiting the same neurons so they just stay home for the day.)
Things bend and twist and break and melt and grow and die and freeze and happen. The best we can hope to do is to perceive and respond, perceive and respond. You are your responses, your movements, or lack of them. I don’t know where I was going with this.
It’s just that sometimes (many times) I feel lost in the constant sea of ideas, connections, emotions, everythings.
Things are spinning, spinning, spinning.