Aug 16, 2025
deleting entire paragraphs with tears in my eyes because one of the last scenes of this fic was the first one i wrote, but the characters went and fucking developed and now the dynamics are all wrong
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deleting entire paragraphs with tears in my eyes because one of the last scenes of this fic was the first one i wrote, but the characters went and fucking developed and now the dynamics are all wrong
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I mean, it really does feel that way sometimes (lolsob). On the bright side, sending out email inquiries to potential venues for my fall book tour makes a great distraction from everything else.
(Psst, nature nerds--you can find out more about the book here.)
Well … 🫠
periodically it hits me that I won graduate school and I have to go sit with that for a while. like, yes, I finished, I got the doctorate, but I was never in any actual doubt that I was going to finish the degree, just concern over how long it would take. I was -- like I think most graduate students are, especially in the humanities -- in some pretty serious doubt that I would be able to get a job in academia, let alone a tenure track job. (I applied to a couple of alt-ac jobs in university admin and was looking seriously at government jobs, but only applied for one internship I didn't get.) and yet! I won graduate school! I got a tenure track job! in a department that I like a lot, even if it's in a location that I am uuuuuhhhhhhh still less than enthused about. in the humanities! as an ancient historian! there aren't exactly a lot of jobs for ancient historians out there! (I know, I applied to like 95% of them last cycle, and the only ones I didn't apply to were at public universities in Texas or Florida or at private highly religious institutions, those were my red lines.)
it's actually genuinely shocking that I got a job doing the thing I spent the last sixteen years of my life (counting my undergrad) training to do. getting a TT job in academia is a little like playing pro sports or making it in Hollywood or becoming a prima ballerina, just way less glamorous. like, do I want to stay in this town? not particularly. will I still want to be in academia after a year-two-three-five in this position? possibly not! but I still get to put "assistant professor" on my CV and like. I won graduate school.
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that thing when you've been REAL fuckin' stressed for a week and counting and are doing your best to fix the issue bit by bit, and then in the ONE place you were doing a good job of said fixing, a technically-harmless thing that complicates your life in more of the exact SPECIFIC way you were already real fuckin' stressed about happens.
wah
i was feeling really frazzled and unable to focus toward the end of august (god has it really been that long. yes it has.) so i let mysef start a pointless little WIP the entire point of which was to write a threesome of three extremely minor characters from a work unrelated to anything else I'd been going on with
and i wrote some setup and it was juicy and i was like yeah more setup yeah this is developing
and i'm finally to the threesome and i can't make myself work on it in the very few scant hours i have of free time this week because idk i'm just Too Into It i guess
yeah this thing is also 75k long and i *just* got to the point. i feel like if i ever publish anything at all it will be like, 5k in excerpts, the rest is just entirely self-gratification i guess, but christ almighty
75k and i am almost about to write the threesome and
wait it's not even the threesome it is the breakthrough proxy-fucking scene that sets up the threesome, i'm not even to the threesome yet
christ why am i like this
me, after getting 8 hours of sleep for one (1) night: my skin is clear, my crops watered, my depression cured! I can do anything! \o/
also me: *learns absolutely nothing from this*