#lollyke

I Thought I’d Hear You Calling – Rated T

He didn’t understand why people couldn’t just get it through their head that just because he was partially deaf, doesn’t mean he was helpless. He didn’t need a babysitter. He didn’t need a hearing aid. He didn’t need a handler… but he – maybe – needed his boyfriend to help him not walk into traffic during rants.

(2/?) . No, she goes around, cheering up people who looked slightly down, whether there was a failed test or a runaway dog at cause. She goes to them and talks to them and at the end of the talk they smile again and give her a hug and I think she’s the most hugged person in school. And every few weeks she comes to me, and she tries to make me open up and make me talk to her. Yet I never do, I never let her work her magic. Because at the end of the day what she does is an illusion

(3/?)and at the end of the day, I’m also just acting. Putting up a make-believe, an illusion of happiness and no worries. But if she ever finds out the full extent of why I’m so silent ad why I try to slip away, it’d break her. Because hugs don’t help in every case and I don’t want to take this away from her. So I just tell her that I’m fine and then she offers me a hug. And of course I take it and for a second it feels good. But afterwards I feel so guilty.

(4/?).Or at least, I used to feel so guilty, for lying to this girl, who honestly means nothing but the best, and for making her believe I’m perfectly fine. But lately I’ve noticed some other shadows moving through our corridors , smiling as they pass her, but slipping away when she turns the corner. They’re like me, they straighten their back when she tells them it’ll be alright and slump down again when she isn’t looking.

(5/5) They too put on the pretence of happiness in her presence, because they too don’t want to let her down. I don’t think anyone wants to tell her that she can’t solve the pain of the earth with a simple hug. That soothing isn’t the same as healing and that, though she is most certainly helping, this won’t solve the emptiness in our chests. In a way she’s putting up a make-believe for no one but herself and we’re all playing along.

I love this so much because the words are incredibly beautiful, but out of a need to share my own personal growth and learning through therapy recently, I wanted to respond.

I don’t think the girl is wrong in trying to give a hug and a few kind words to cheer all those people up, and I don’t think that she can’t solve everything by doing so. In fact... she can solve everything. That’s the thing.

In therapy, you learn that there are thoughts in your mind sometimes that take over everything, consume every tiny last thought in your head until all you can think and believe is the negative, until the world feels like nothing more than bleak emptiness and pain and torment, until you hate yourself and think there’s nothing more to life for.

But you know what? Those are just voices, bad voices that destroy your mood and take control even though they aren’t true. Learning and growing is fighting those thoughts and combating them with those small kindnesses and hugs, even just for yourself. 

It’s not guaranteed to save anyone. It’s not guaranteed to save your life. Maybe, for some, for many, it’s not enough on it’s own, but you know what... it’s kept me alive for months. 

Changing your thought patterns is the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do, but that girl... she’s trying, probably because she never wants anyone to hurt the way she once might have done.

The reason I know that, is because I’m that girl.

I couldn’t protect my own mind... so I tried to protect everyone else’s, and I’m only now learning how to protect my own.

When I Come Back – Rated G

“When I come back, I’m going to marry you.”

It was such a simple sentence. A sentence that sent his heart racing. A sentence that left him whining.

“Then come back soon.”

He was almost tempted to tell his fiancé to forget the flowers and to marry him now.

(I struggled so hard on this one XD)

Five Days and Counting – Rated G

It had been five days, ten hours and twenty-three minutes since he last seen his fiancé.

Five days, ten hours and twenty-three minutes too long.

Five days, ten hours and twenty-four minutes.

Packages Made of Paper – Rated T

He can’t remember exactly when the first paper crane arrived, but he knew exactly how many he had by the end of the first year and all the other years that followed.

Each crane came in a perfect little box with nothing more than his fan mail address and the most adorable little flower hand drawn onto the box. Each crane was perfectly made and on a different type of paper each time.

By the time he was twenty-seven, he had received seven-hundred and forty-three.

And when seven-hundred and forty-four arrived, he finally got something to work with.

The normally empty box that housed his newest paper crane also had a return address.

A return address in a place called Hasetsu in Japan.