I’m one of those folks that grew up in a multiracial home and was a mixed kid that’s extremely white-passing. It led to a lot of complications with my self-identity, especially given how others outside my home would treat me when I didn’t ‘act’ white like when I spoke Spanish or talked about traditions that were taught to me. This treatment also led me to hide my interests in the cultures I was growing up in, disconnecting, and ‘blending in’ with what was expected of me.
For a time, I even began to doubt if I was ‘really’ mixed and if I had any right to claim that I was. People would argue with me about my heritage only because of how pale I am. Now, don’t get me wrong, I fully understand my white-passing status gives me privileges, but it also erases parts of my identity.
For example, my name is clearly Not Basic White American(tm) and has led to prejudices that have lost me job opportunities to even moments of ‘oh, you’re not who I was expecting’. My name is always being mispronounced even after correction level of Not Basic(tm). I’m mixed with a mixed name, but people erase it once they see me.
Last year, however, I finally got a DNA test to hopefully put my qualms to rest. I was lost and wanted something to validate my struggles with my identity and try to reconnect with what was lost. Some familial lies ended up being revealed (another story entirely tho) but I was indeed mixed. My lineage could be narrowed down to mostly European and Native American.
So there I was, seeing my truth with physical evidence proving I wasn’t a liar or just trying to be ‘special’. But even so, I still had the struggle of if I even have a right to claim to be mixed because of how I look. I went searching and found that I wasn’t alone in these struggles among other mixed folks. I found other Indigenous folks that spoke about how it didn’t matter what I looked like, that so long as I carried the blood, it was my history/culture, too. (There were even discussions on blood quantum and how harmful that ideal can be)
And even though I have some answers, I still have many more questions. I’m on my journey of learning and reconnecting, but I at least have some pointers on where to go from here now.
To anyone else in a similar situation, know that you aren’t alone. I hope you find the answers you’re looking for.
