cambridgeshire, january 2025

(I wanted to try to write one of those gothic posts that people keep making, so this is all based on my experience haha. All respects to Daniel Lavery (formerly Mallory Ortberg of the Toast)

These Harsh Winters Have Shaped Our Souls In A Way Those Soft Tourists Could Never Hope To Understand

They Dredged The Lake For A Lost Kayaker And Found Four Bodies Wearing Concrete Shoes Instead

Careful Looking Up At Night - The Sight Of the Milky Way Can Induce A Deep Existential Crisis

We’ll Have To Wait For The Snow To Melt To Recover The Bodies

There Are Only Two Seasons: Nine Months Of Winter And Three Months Of Road Construction

In The Summer The Water Is So Cold It’ll Kill You; In The Winter The Air Is So Cold It’ll Kill You; The People Are So Cold They’d Kill You Anytime

The Video Store Remains

Keep Active - Don’t Stay Still For Even A Minute, Lest You Start To Feel An Emotion

How Is It That Bears Hibernate But We Must Experience Every Waking Day

The Lake Has Claimed Another Victim. The Mountain Has Claimed Another Victim. The Highway Has Claimed Another Victim.

Well The Roadside Motel Blew Up On Account Of The Meth Lab

Best Not To Go Hiking Alone In The Desolation, They Say Those That Do Never Come Back Quite Right

Sometimes The Eerie Howl Of The Coyotes Is All You Can Hear, Echoing Endlessly In Your Eardrums. Join Them. Join Them. Run Slavering Through The Forest And Live Forever

The Family What Built This Log Cabin All Died Tragic Deaths But What A Cute Museum It Makes

Maybe There’s A Reason The Native Americans Didn’t Live Here Full-Time

The Almighty Snowplow Shall Decide Your Fate

Are Those Avalanche Cannons, Gunshots, Or Did The Denny’s Explode Again

Death At The Ski Resort

The Finest Meal To Be Had Is The Steak At Sizzler’s, Unless You’re Too Good For It

Brisk 10 Mile Hikes Are The Only Therapy Anyone Needs In This Town

Look Ma I Found A Machete!

The Lake Doesn’t Have A Monster, Silly; It Has A Layer Of Perfectly Preserved Corpses Floating In The Freezing Depths, And Isn’t That Scarier?

Wildfire Will Take Us All, One Day

- leaving the theater after watching a movie

- looking up from reading a book and realizing where you are

- any place that’s open 24 hours (bonus: going to said place in the early hours and hearing both “good evening” and “good morning”)

- playgrounds at night

- arriving for an early morning flight and seeing a deserted airport with most of the shops closed

- dead malls with decor that hasn’t changed since the 90s

- motels of any kind

- stopping at a gas station at night in the middle of nowhere while on a road trip

- grocery stores in small towns

- places meant for children’s birthday parties (especially if you went there as a kid and are now older)

Germany loves to make entire buildings blurry.

In Nigeria, a car follows you around everywhere ("the follow car", you know.)

Bitches be like “I know a place” and then take you here.

check to make sure all of your headlight bulbs are working before you depart from your starting location. not only are broken headlights against the law, you could potentially be blindly stumbling into some dangerous territory. the more area you can see, the better. the last thing you want is to be stuck on their land.

do not let your eyes linger on the wheat fields. some have reported a sudden drop in temperature in their car. some have spoken of a tugging sensation coming from the fields. some have claimed they saw the devil himself grinning back. you do not want to find out what lurks within the wheat fields.

if you happen to come across a hitchhiker, check for wounds or anything out of the ordinary on their person. if their eyes reflect your headlights, drive faster. do not stop under any circumstances. do not slow down until you are absolutely sure they cannot catch up to you. they are not human.

do not slow down or stop to marvel at the cottage in the forest. do not go inside or get out of your car. you will not return unscathed.

if you see yellow eyes watching you from the corn, continue on. they are just the ravens.

if you see red eyes watching you from the corn, continue on. they are just the crows.

if you see green eyes watching you from the corn, get out of there as fast as you possibly can. they will follow you. they will hunt you down.

objects in your side mirrors indeed seem closer than they look. don't glance over too often, though. they come nearer with every look.

the creatures in the woods are rumored to attack pickup trucks more often than any other type of automobile. make sure all of your windows are shut and your truck bed is empty and uncovered if you drive one. you wouldn't want to ferry one of them home without knowing.

do not stare at the empty, broken-down cars on the side of the road. they do not welcome the gazes of strangers. it is best if you only say a quick prayer for them and drive on. you do not want to be next.

the radio may spit out some inaudible blubber occasionally. white noise may come through for a few seconds before reverting back to what you were listening to. just convince yourself you're driving through a spot with patchy satellite signal. don't mind what they're saying through the static. ignorance is bliss.

some travelers claim they often hear shrieking while they are driving. contrary to popular belief, they do not want to hurt you. they are just playing tricks on you. just don't slow down. just don't stop.

whatever you do, don't fall asleep. pull into a rest stop, at least. do not fall asleep on the side of the road. you may not wake up again.

the witching hour does not apply when you're on the road. they roam after sunset. they are bloodthirsty. stay aware of your surroundings.

that stain on the grass over there was definitely from a deer. don't think too much about it.

right?

not everything that you can see is real.

not everything that is real you can see.

- You wake up in the morning, the windows are open. You don’t remember opening them last night

- Outside it’s windy. The leaves rustle, birds screech, buildings bend to touch the ground, you don’t look the horses in the eye as their hair that is not hair whips around you.

- The horses are restless. the dogs are staring at the windmills. You tell them to come inside as you close the blinds. It’s better if you don’t look.

- There’s a moose in the field at school. At least they tell you its a moose as they send a maintenance worker out to chase it away. The maintenance workers are expendable.

- You saddle the horses. They’re antsy for a ride. You avoid their eyes, ignore the sharp teeth and cloven hooves. Your cousin says they’re horses but you don’t believe her.

- There’s something outside your window. You tell yourself its a moose. It stands taller than the house and scrapes claws against the brick, but it’s only a moose.

- There is nothing but grass and rocks everywhere. The cows chew the rocks and stare endlessly to the sun. Their horns are covered in blood. 

- At night there are coyotes and mountain lions, you tell yourself the horses will keep them away. You hear screeching from the fields at night. when you walk outside there’s a mound of flesh in the pasture. You move the horses to a new field.

- It is winter and the land is white. The fields are white. The driveway is white. There is red in the pasture. It is not blood, they are eyes. You walk to your car and don’t stare too long. They don’t like being seen.

- It is summer and the ground is made of hot gravel. Your tires melt and you are forced to stay home. You hear shuffling from the living room, you don’t turn around. This is their time and you are not meant to be here.