Dec 3, 2025
All I can see is a Hole in the Stars
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All I can see is a Hole in the Stars
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you don't have to worry, I'm your leader
I grieve for the girl with ambition
The one with the world at her feet, everything at her grasp
I grieve for the love she gave away like picked flowers, freely and without caution
I mourn for her conviction, lost with passing of time and broken promises.
I envy the women that didn't get lost, the ones that stuck to their guns and fought for their truth
I once thought my spirit was vast, but somehow fear pulled at my ancles so I locked that light away in a jar
It lives atop the pantry, next to the sugar and spice
Always dreaming of something nice.
Grief does come in waves. It's 3:17 AM, and I'm up rereading the comments under Lee's obituary. I discovered his fiancée was pregnant with their second child when he passed, so that widened the already-massive wound I've been nursing since springtime. A baby boy and a baby girl. Wow. We didn't talk enough in his last days for me to understand why he'd chosen this woman to be the mother of his kids. I can't help but wonder if he was running from something. Were they good together? Why would he leave his babies when he wanted to be a dad so badly? God. I want to talk to his mom, his sisters, his best friend from the days when we were together. But it's not my place. This time last year I was writing him a letter for the holidays which I don't think he ever received. And three months later, he ended it all. Why? It's the fact that I can never know...that makes the hurt go on and on--a desert of hurt, and a sporadic breeze to shift the sands ever so slightly, so I can feel the same pain differently.
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Doodler redraw! Old one below
I beat the Ender Dragon tonight.
I beat it alone without the person who gave me Minecraft when I was 17.
I beat it alone without the friends who I scheduled a time to fight it with.
I beat it alone with no podcast, no additional noise, no podcast or music playing.
But it didn’t feel all that lonely because somehow a bunch of pixels spoke to me through time and space in lines of code and music.
Thank you Minecraft. My first game.
I’ll play again tomorrow obviously, but I needed to honor this moment somehow and I have a sneaking suspicion this blog is gonna be pretty quiet for a bit :)