#livefromtheden

I am in shock. And so fucking grateful for all the people around me that helped make this happen for me.

A large part of my dysphoria comes from a lot of my formative really fucking up my concept of what is and isn't attractive, my self image, and self esteem.

I knew going into my transition that I was never going to be the tiny 90's model the young girl inside of me so desperately wanted to be.

What I hadn't really accounted for is how entrenched that image of myself as a 5 foot nothing girl was informing my sense of self-worth.

At some point during my transition, my feeling good about the changes became less about what I am gaining and instead on what I don't have.

Between stress, disorders, and the state of the world. I let my mental patterns slip back into defining myself by what I am not. By how I am not woman enough.

The thing is... I don't even want to be that image I am comparing myself to! So yes, dysphoria, you are fucking correct. I am not a 5ft 100 lbs patriarchal/ white supremacy standard of what is fuckable.

For once, and from now on, I am going to talk about what I am. What I am is a god damn warrior woman. I am 5'8" 195 lbs with 42.5% muscle mass, and 20% body fat mass.

I can bench my body weight. I can squat and deadlift well over it. I run an under 7 minute mile and have a 46" vertical jump.

I have the body of a professional athlete, and I use it to practice Hung Gar Kung fu and have literally broken people's bones by blocking their attacks.

And I do it all while looking like this:

Am I the hottest woman in existence? Of course not. But what I am is pretty damn good for coming out of a 33 year old 300 lbs man.

What I am is a self-made woman who uses that strength and knowledge to better her community. What I am is so much more than I am not.

My hair wrapped up neatly in a drying towel. My fuzzy bath robe hanging open over my exposed leg.