#littlegearsofmissus

one: the letter

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bill skarsgard x female!reader summary: Imagine her pain when the person who changed her views on the word "love" became the reason why she closed her heart in the first place. word count: approximately 1.3k warnings and notes: angst. no mentions of "y/n". english is not my first language. this is my first time posting a fic here on tumblr so please be gentle.🥹 also if i miss anything that should be on the warnings i am so sorry and could you please point it out? thank you! divider by: @saradika-graphics

Sherlock Holmes once said that "love is a dangerous disadvantage." I agree with him. For years I believed and held onto what he said because, as my life turned out, it's true. I don't know if something's wrong with me or if it is just a lack of luck that men usually come and go in my life. In which it is like a restaurant; people will come because they need something from you but will eventually leave because they finally got what they wanted. The one difference is that I never saw their shadow again or even a single strand of their hair. They just...leave. No concise explanation was given, never even bothering to look back. The only thing they leave is a mark, a painful slap of truth and reality that the things you thought would last will soon fade.

Since then, I have become afraid. With just the thought of loving someone, fear quickly found its home inside me. I guess putting up a façade and pretending you don't care is better than falling in love. At least I have the time for myself and my family. I get to hang out with my friends anytime I want without worrying that someone is waiting for me to come home. In other words, I have my freedom.

But change is inevitable.

I can still remember the night we first met. The night when my beliefs were washed out and down, it went into the drain. It was late winter when it happened. I went to the department store with my mom to help her pick out some things for her new home. While she chose whether to buy the blender first or the electric mixer, I wandered off to the clothes section to check out if they have new arrivals.

And little did I know, I was the one being checked out.

Believe it or not, I tried to do my best to ignore you. I kept telling myself not to look your way because if I did, I knew it would all be gone. The days of making smiles and suppressing feelings will be over. As I scanned for a new shirt to buy, I also pretended that I didn't notice you were already staring at me. But damn, it was hard to do. I could feel the heaviness of your stares like daggers on my back, making it almost possible for me to give up on this secret game of catch.

I was about to leave to go find my mother and also to escape that situation when someone accidentally bumped into me. It was a pretty hard hit. I can tell because I slightly lost my balance and made the mistake of looking at you. And from that moment on I knew I had lost the game.

But instead of finding you standing somewhere, you're already making your way towards me. And yet, there I was, frozen in place as your eyes never left mine. Another thing I won't ever forget about that night was how captivating your eyes were. The way its stunning, viridian color stands out and highlights the rest of your face and how it is so deep I'm afraid I will get lost in it and might never come back.

One may think it's supposed to be the other way around. But I can't help myself. The dam I built was falling apart, and the water was my feelings gushing out. There's no stopping it. Especially when you stood right in front of me and I never realized how tall you were until that exact moment. You didn't say a word, at least not yet, and picked up something from the floor. "I believe you dropped this," you said, trying to give me my phone. I didn't know I dropped it because I was so distracted by you.

I looked down and took it as our hands slightly touched in the process. How your skin felt gave shivers down my spine and brought redness to my cheeks. I slipped my phone into my back pocket and avoided looking at you in an attempt to hide my blush. "Thanks," was all I could manage to speak out, and I did what a normal person should do in this kind of situation: I smiled. And for the first time, it felt genuine.

"You're welcome," you replied, the little corners of your mouth tugging into a smile. Silence took over for a few seconds. I saw the way your eyes flickered away from mine, then to my lips before you looked down. You opened your mouth but closed it as you struggled to find the right words to say.

In all honesty, it's kind of adorable to see you so flustered at that time. To ease it, I tried to start a little conversation between us, but if it weren't for my mom frantically calling for me, I would've at least known your name. So, I hurriedly grabbed a shirt from the rack and walked past you, nearly forgetting to say 'goodbye.' I was already halfway to her when I looked back at where you were, but you were already gone.

After that night, it was always you that I could think of. You never failed to baffle me and never ceased to mystify me. You've become the owner of my thoughts and a part of my mind I cannot just simply erase. That's when I realized that falling in love with a stranger is possible. Did you know how hard it was for me? I didn't completely know you, not even your name, yet here I am eating the words I've said before.

The more time ticked by, the more part of me got anxious to see you again. Everywhere I went, I was hoping for you to show up.

And you did.

I was fixing my car in the garage back home when yours broke down not too far away from my place. So, when you came to me for help, I was completely taken aback to see you standing before me. You, on the other hand, well, your looks suggested that you had the same reaction. Your mouth was agape but quickly broke into a smile, the same damn smile that made me change my perspective on life.

It was honestly a simple meeting, and I guess you could say it's one of the most cliché things ever. I just never thought that it would bloom into something beautiful, something I'll always hold dear and treasure deeply. Every moment, flaws and all, even the smallest things, I learned to appreciate and love.

Sadly, even the most beautiful flowers will wither as time forgets their once pleasing visage.

We both drifted away from each other; the love and music that once filled our shared house switched into tension and loud, heated arguments. As afflictive as it sounds, you decided that it's for the best if we call it all off.

Other people have said that if you truly love someone, you must fight for it. And that's what I did. But you can't win a losing fight. To see you give up on what we had, and to hear you say everything will be okay. You'll eventually find someone who will treat you better than I did and won't throw you away just like that.

I really wanted it to be okay. But to hear those words from the person who I would hold the world upon my shoulders for completely destroyed me.

Your sudden abandonment led me to believe that our relationship was just a fantasy I created. Doubts clouded my mind, and fear made a home inside me once again.

It took me an intoxicated night and an accident before it finally dawned on me

Sherlock Holmes was damn right.

part two here.

three: linger

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bill skarsgard x female!reader summary: Imagine her pain when the person who changed her views on the word "love" became the reason why she closed her heart in the first place. word count: approximately 1.2k warnings and notes: reader is smoking ciggies here sorry. i don't condone smoking just to be clear and as cliche as it sounds, smoking is bad and it's not cool. it can ruin lives. anyway i can't think of anymore warnings aside from more angst. no use of "y/n". again, english is not my first language so i'm really sorry about any mistakes i've made. feel free to point anything i missed though. happy reading! x divider by: @/saradika-graphics

She sat on the bed and faced the window where she looked up to the sky just in time to see the clouds clearing out, as if it was giving the half-moon a chance to luster.

She placed a cigarette between her lips, grabbed the lighter sitting on the bedside table and lit it. She took a deep breath and exhaled the smoke, feeling more relaxed now. She switched the lamp off and gazed back to the sky once again. The moon moved a little bit higher, but it never faltered to cast a shine over her dark bedroom and illuminate her features.

It's 2:26 in the morning. Only the ticking of the clock, her breathing and her heartbeat could be heard. She kept taking a drag, the smoke swirling around in the air for a while before it completely disappeared, leaving only its lingering redolent smell. But that was the least of her worries right now.

At 2:38, she disposed of the cigarette and went to the balcony where the cold breeze greeted her.

At 2:50, she heard the bedroom door open and close. Feet padding against the wooden floor only for it to stop for a second before it resumed walking. The door that connects the bedroom to the balcony creaks lightly. Then, she felt somebody's presence behind her, just out of her reach. She didn't need to turn around to see who it was because she already knew.

A pair of hands grabbed her by the waist and pulled her close against him. His soft, plump lips planted a longing kiss on her shoulder and moved up to her neck as she closed her eyes and hummed in contention. It's nice to feel his warmth embrace her once again. Oh, how she missed this.

Intimate moments rarely come between them as their work consumes both of their times. But when they do have it, they make sure to savor every moment and every second.

"Why are you still awake? It's too late, hon," he spoke softly.

"I'm just having trouble sleeping. That's all."

He let go and spun her around so that she was facing him. He brushed off the fallen strands of her hair and tucked it behind her ear. Then, he placed both of his hands on her cheeks before leaning in to kiss her forehead, down to her nose, and finally her lips.

Although their kiss was only for a moment. He pulled apart, their faces away from each other. His thumb brushed lightly on her lower lip as she wondered why he stopped. She tried to catch his gaze but to no avail.

"You're smoking again," he said without looking directly at her. But when he did, instead of anger, his eyes showed concern and worry, an exact opposite of what she expected.

She moved away from his grip and walked towards the railings of the balcony as he waited patiently to explain herself.

"I never really stopped," she admitted.

"But you promised— "

"And I'm sorry if it doesn't mean a thing. You don't know how hard it is to stop something you're accustomed to doing." Even though she was on the verge of crying in front of him, she still composed herself and wiped the tears that threatened to fall down. "Or in other words," she continued, "something that I'm addicted to."

"I'm sorry."

"No, don't. I should be the one apologizing."

He's lost, but she went farthest. The more silence engulfs them, the more anxious she gets. She did make a promise but it's just empty words for her. How selfish of her to think that it's only herself she's meant to destroy but the truth was she's destroying him too. And now she couldn't help but to let guilt eat her alive.

He held out his hand for her to take and said, "Come on, let's go inside."

But when she tried to reach it, everything faded black.

And then she woke up.

--

You're hanging out with somebody new

Yet here I am, still haunted by the ghost of you.

She closed her notebook and set it down on the table. Then, she grabbed her mug and drank the coffee, feeling the warm liquid trickle down her throat. When she was finished, she stood up and went to the kitchen only to find Ross standing by the sink, his eyes closed while pinching the bridge of his nose.

"You're up early."

"No shit, Sherlock," he spoke with a gruff voice, which earned a chuckle from her.

"Move," she said, trying to push him out of the way but he won't budge. "Ross, move or I'll punch your throat."

"Yeah, as if you're able to even reach my neck," he grumbled as he turned off the stove. She heard him say that and slapped his arm in return.

"Why are you so mean?"

"Why did you threaten me with violence?" He said and poured the hot water in his cup to make himself a cup of coffee. After that, he sat at the breakfast table where she laid out a plate of bacon, eggs, and bread in front of him. "Sweet," he chuckled before digging in.

"Jesus, Ross. You're such a pig. Take it down a notch, will ya?"

He was about to throw her a clever comeback but was cut-off when his energetic five-year-old son came rushing through the kitchen door.

"Why are you awake already, young man?" she asked as she went to pick him up.

"Uncle Tristan said he's going to take me to the shop today!"

She hummed an answer, and as if on cue, Tristan ran in, panting and slightly red due to being out of breath, but the blue blotch on his plaid shirt is unmistakably noticeable. "That little prankster thought it'd be funny to pour paint on me before running away."

Ross snorted and almost choked on his drink. While she let out a gasp, she then snapped her head to the child she has on her hips.

"Jack..."

The child pouted and gave her the best puppy eyes he could pull off. Jack looked back to his uncle who's still standing by the door with his arms crossed against his chest.

"I'm sorry, Uncle Tristan. Please don't leave me here later when you go to the shop. It won't happen again."

Tristan, who seem content with his nephew's apology, smiled. He tried to fight it back though. He tried to be stern with him because kids need to learn and they are like little sponges that absorb everything around them. But he was once again defeated by cuteness.

"All is forgiven, Sir Jack." Tristan curtsied which made the boy giggle. "I better get going. I'll see you all later." The rest of them bid their farewells in unison.

"Right-o," she said as she walked towards Ross to give him Jack. "I should go as well." She looked at her gold wristwatch to check the time and to her slight surprise, it truly is time for her to leave.

"I will go back later this afternoon to fetch Jack and we'll have a little day out before he starts school on Monday," she told Ross who only gave her a small hum of acknowledgement as he was busy feeding said child.

"Bye guys! I love you both!"

Once she's outside their house where she parked her car, she hops inside and off she goes to her friend's cafe just a few miles out.

part four here.

something to keep in mind before continuing.

❝The last time I felt your weight on my chest, you said "We didn't get it right, but love, we did our best"❞ - all things end by hozier

bill skarsgard x fem!reader ⤹ synopsis: Imagine her pain when the person who changed her views on the word "love" became the reason why she closed her heart in the first place. ⤹ warnings and notes: minors dni. heavy angst. mentions of or implied sex/smut. both characters are smoking. swear words are not censored. written in third person pov. no use of "y/n" until later chapters. english is not my first language. if i missed any trigger warnings, please let me know.

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divider by: @/saradika-graphics

part one: the letter

part two: blues

part three: linger

part four: fate

part five: hiraeth

˗ˏˋ ☆ ―

four: fate

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bill skarsgard x female!reader summary: Imagine her pain when the person who changed her views on the word "love" became the reason why she closed her heart in the first place. word count: approximately 1.3k warnings and notes: no warnings, just more sadness... i'm really good at this lol. also we're approaching the finale and i haven't wrote anything yet heh. happy reading! ps. i just organized my blog yesterday and im so proud of it. y'all are welcome to drop by and have a quick look around :D divider by: @/saradika-graphics

His mind was still reeling from the dream he had last night. It was like a deep wound that opened up. Still fresh and throbbing from pain, the memories consumed his entire being. No matter, he thought. Today he will drive and spend the rest of it with his friends. He will try. He will drink and make the most of it. He will try. He will try to forget.

But will he ever though? And does he even want to?

He shook his head in annoyance. Questions unanswered lingering in every corner of his brain. He was in desperate need of a distraction and he will make sure to get that in Phoenix.

Dark grey clouds soon blanketed the sky above. A couple of hours in and there was nothing but endless road ahead of him. Not soon after though the first drops of rain had started falling down. He turned on the windshield wiper of his car so he can get a clear view outside and that's when it really started to pour down.

"Perfect." He thought.

After another couple of hours of driving he decided that he had had enough for now. He pulled up in front of the first cafe he saw and went inside immediately to avoid getting wet. The shopkeeper's bell rang and one of the baristas greeted him with a smile as he walked towards the counter to order himself a cup of coffee and something to eat.

He sat in one of the corner booths at the far end of the cafe away from the rest of the customers. He took a deep breath as he zoned out, staring at one of the paintings that was hanging on the wall.

"It's called the 'Wilderness Trail."

He almost jumped out of his seat. "I'm sorry?"

"That painting you were staring at," Melissa, one of the baristas said. "It's called the 'Wilderness Trail' and it was gifted by the owner's closest friend. I believe this is from Bob Ross' show."

"Ah, I see." He nodded in understanding. "It looks pretty."

She smiled and thanked him in return before giving him his food and drink. "I tried calling your name by the way to let you know that your order was ready but you seemed out of it."

He looked down at his hands and laughed nervously. "Yeah, sorry about that."

"No, no. It was alright. Anyway, I won't take much of your time. Give us a holler if you need anything."

"Thank you."

It has gotten really dark outside as if the whole world was swallowed by a giant. It made perfect sense, as compared to most days, it was a tad quiet at the cafe. There was a couple sitting face to face in one corner and a student whose nose was buried in a textbook in another. Positioned at the table in between them was a writer busy typing away, seemingly lost in the little world they're creating. Soft music plays on the speakers which, when combined with the bright and warm decorations, created the ambience which the patrons enjoy.

He took a sip from his coffee but it dribbled a little bit to his chin and onto his shirt. He wiped his mouth with a napkin from the table and stood to clean himself in the bathroom.

A familiar red car had parked outside. The bell above the door rang as the person walked inside the cafe. Melissa, already knowing who the person was, greeted them with a smile.

And with their favourite drink.

"You are a lifesaver, my darling." She took a sip from her cup before continuing, "have you seen Fate? She said she'll be in today."

Melissa nodded her head. "Yes, she's just in the office."

"Perfect, I'll go there then. See you in a bit."

She walked away completely unaware that the person who she loved once upon a time was just on the other side of that same building. Bill sat down on his chair and resumed his drink and pastry. He sent another message to Landon to let him know that he'll wait this rain out for a while before he starts driving again. And that he's not far out from where they wanted to meet.

Once the rain had finally settled, he took it as his cue to leave but not before saying thank you to the staff. Once he was out, he walked over to his car. At the same time he was unlocking the door another car was pulling up next to him. The little boy came out first squealing with absolute delight and began jumping in the puddles. He was followed by an adult man who looked exasperated. Bill was sure he heard the man, who he assumed was the boy's father, whisper something along the lines of "please be careful or she's gonna kill me."

Bill chuckled as he got inside his car, instantly remembering his younger brothers when they were the same age as the kid he saw just now. He thought he should probably call them once he meets up with Valter but for now he put on his seatbelt and pushed the button to start the car.

He could also still hear the kid outside yelling and as he looked up to adjust the rearview mirror that's when he saw her.

Did time stand still or had he become paralyzed in his car seat? One thing he knows for sure, it felt like his chest was going to explode with how much his heart was pounding against it as soon as he laid eyes on her.

Her. Who used to be his. Now he's nothing but a sad memory for her. A regret. Bill winced at the bitter thoughts forming in his head; all the years he spent wallowing in grief for the pain he caused her had crashed into him like a bullet train. He watched her years ago as her entire world crumbled, and the look on her face would forever be seared into his brain. Nothing in this world can make him forget that.

Or at least that's what he thought because right now the universe has found a way to double his agony; some sick twisted joke unraveling in front of him. Now he's watching her— no, them; the kid from moments ago and the man he was with. He watched them be the picture-perfect family...

And it seems like she finally got her wish.

Consumed by guilt and despair, he wanted to march down where she was and just talk to her. But what is he even going to say? He's sorry? That he made a mistake? Is she even going to want him back? More uncertainties raced in his mind as he debated whether or not he'll do it. But the urge to approach and to hear her voice once again is getting stronger by the minute. And he's running out of time.

Kid in her arms, she waved goodbye to her friend and strolled to her car, the man following close enough behind them. "Fuck it," Bill thought, his heart still beating wildly as he pushed his car door open. He swallowed his nervousness and almost broke into a sprint just to catch up with her. He knows deep down this is against his better judgement but all logic and common sense went out the window the moment he saw her. There is no going back now and he cannot bear to lose her again.

"Y/N!"

She turned around, her beautiful smile still etched on her face. Bill was now standing in front of her, silently praying that she doesn't push him away. This is it. If he's being honest, he wished he could have met her on any other circumstance but the opportunity had arised and he figured in for a penny, in for a pound. A beat passed. And then...

"Hi, Bill," she said. "It's good to see you again."